


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Unchained χ

by ShieldEcho



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [11]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Humor, Nonbinary Character, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Self-Acceptance, Self-Insert, Self-Reflection, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 47,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24506569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShieldEcho/pseuds/ShieldEcho
Summary: Because why not. Contains somewhat of a self-insert character as is the nature of the game, several lukewarm takes on the mobile game industry, and tens of thousands of children willing to murder each other over House Point totals.
Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/197186
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. Mobile Game Tutorial

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be very heavily influenced my my own experiences and thought processes while playing the mobile game every single day for two straight years. Because the protagonist is the player's own avatar rather than a pre-written character, this is also going to be far more personal than any of my other dumb parodies have been thus far, to a point. Also it's based off of a game that many KH fans have actively avoided I think more than any other title so that'll be fun too. Basically this one's gonna be a bit weird.
> 
>  **Anyway here's some shit I stole from off the internet and various other places:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel and the Super Best Friendcast, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged, _Harry Potter, Naruto, Happy!, Airplane!,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Everyone's gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.~

**Pre-main menu video:** *are really just a bunch of confusing images of the gameplay. It's cool but there are a lot of 'em passing by way too quickly for me to comment on*

**Kingdom Hearts Unchained X title screen:** *bursts into song*  
 _Why is everyone in Daybreak Town whiiiiiiiiite?_

**Terms of Agreement:** Yeah just click accept, we know you're not gonna read this anyway.

**Migrate Data screen:** If you are playing this game for the first time, please select “New Game.” If you played this game before but suddenly the app was too large for your cheap five-gig tablet to handle, then I guess you can get your old character and stats back on the off-chance that you haven't deactivated your Facebook account yet. Meh, if you hit new game you get 300 free jewels so...

**Player:** Wait, jewels?

**Game:** Yeah, jewels! Jewels are the currency for everything in this game!

**Player:** And how do I get jewels?

**Game:** Well, you can always do a very slow grind of playing certain missions for the first time and the first time only, plus a required daily login for a minuscule amount at a time, and then just slowly save up for literal months before blowing it all on the like two slot spins I mean banners that make you feel lucky enough, or you can purchase a much larger amount of jewels by using money so you can get as many slot spins I mean banners as you want. Not munny, mind you, but IRL money. Believe me, that second method is way faster and easier, especially when you have random deals that in no way encourage gambling whatsoever—

**Player:** Hoooooooold on. Are you telling me...that I have to pay _real_ currency for _fake_ currency!?

**Game:** Uhh...

**Player:** I can't believe that such an established place of business would cheat their customers like this!

**Pat:** Games that use this kind of monetization, that have replaced gameplay with monetization, are rackets. They are fucking scams, and the people who make them are thieves. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You are scammers. And if you are a game developer who works on a game like this you don't have the right to complain, saying “I'm not a scammer!” _You made a fucking scam game._

**Woolie:** And even better, you did so by shitting on something that a lot of people care about.

**Pat:** You made a vehicle for _theft._

**ShieldEcho:Storybook:** This load time's gonna take a while so sit your ass down so we can entertain you or whatever. *opens up to reveal a single pop-up section depicting Kairi's grandmother talking to Kairi in Radiant Garden*

**Kairi:** Grandma, why is the Destiny Islands theme playing while we're in Radiant Garden?

**Kairi's grandmother:** Shut up and let me tell you the usual origin of Kingdom Hearts or whatever.

**Kairi:** Can it wait, I'm trying to pop a squat.

**Kairi’s grandmother:** I'll be quick. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was world peace and everyone lived in the light. Everyone loved the light, even albino people and those who couldn’t look at the light too long without getting blinding headaches.

**Kairi:** Okay I'm done shitting on the ground in public.

**Kairi's grandmother:** Good for you, never liked that Ansem the Wise fellow anyway. Then people began to fight over it, because they wanted to own chunks of the light, like how people fight over oxygen which will probably be a very real problem in the not-too-distant future. And darkness was born in their hearts and not from their fucking shadows or the night if there was any night. The darkness spread, swallowing the light as well as many people’s hearts. It covered everything, and the world they were on exploded. But small fragments of the light still survived, embedded into the hearts of children.

**Kairi:** THIS IS MY HAPPY FACE. SOAK IT IN.

**Kairi's grandmother:** Somehow surviving the explosion of their planet, the children used these fragments to rebuild their planet, like how those few surviving children in the first Pokémon movie were able to repopulate the world through the power of their tears or some other bullshit.

**Kairi:** Why're we getting depressing Chain of Memories music now that you're talking about the _good_ things that are happening.

**Kairi's grandmother:** I don't know, I didn't pick the soundtrack. That planet…is the one we’re living on right now! WHAT A TWIST!

**Kairi:** This is absolutely fascinati—OH GOD WE'RE BEING CRUSHED.

**Kairi's grandmother:** It's _fine_ —mmph!

**Book:** *flips back to being a textbook on what looks like Heartless and the Keyblade that happens to have random pop-up sections for no reason* Stick your head up your own ass, see what you find. Oh and here's the usual stain glass pedestal for you to make your choices on how your game's gonna play out. Shit's about to get real.

**Kingdom Hearts Unchained X title card:** Wanna listen to a pretty sick rendition of Dearly Beloved while you wait for this shit to load? Thought you might. Good thing it's catchy or else you'd be really annoyed by how long this is taking, huh?

~Three hours later...~

**Create-a-character screen:** The name! Give me the wretched name!

**Karkaroff:** BARTY CROUCH!

**Rita Skeeter:** Gasp!

**Karkaroff:** _Junior._

**Create-a-character screen:** No but really though.

**ShieldEcho:** ...So despite being white myself I decided to create a black girl because this is technically an MMO and I'm one of those insane people who _wants_ to see people who are different than me get some representation. Don't know if this is the correct way to go about it but I want to do what very, _very_ little I can. Aaaand I'm gonna name her Noriko, always liked that name.

**Create-a-character screen:** ...Create your fucking character already.

**Noriko:** Okay, female, darkest skin color you currently have...erm, the Cosmic Amber clothing set for now I guess, I don't like _any_ of these hairstyles so let's go with Chignon Bun because why not, uh, I'm a ginger now, and I'll take the green eyes because I like the shape of them the best.

**Create-a-character screen:** Begin with this avatar? Your avatar's gender and appearance can be changed later.

**Noriko:** ...Wow, that's actually really cool of you, thanks! *wakes up on stain glass choice time* Fucking _love_ this music...

**Insignias of a unicorn, a cobra, a leopard, a fox, and a bear:** *rise up*

**Narration text:** PICK ONE ALREADY SO WE CAN FUCKING START THIS SHIT.

**Noriko:** I'm thinking, I'm thinking! Erm...Always liked Vulpix and Ninetails, let's go with Vulpes, fuck it, why not, I am legit in the dark about how I accidentally picked the most important union. Okay, that's done...Why is the floor all evil now—OH SHIT. *is enveloped in darkness*

**Narration text:** It's _fine,_ look at your shiny new Keyblade you just got! And this particular one's one of light so you won't get anyone yelling at you for giving into the darkness. It's called Starlight, ain't it perdy?

**Noriko:** ...It kind of is, I like its simplicity. *makes it light up and drive away the darkness* Whoa, I can kill things already? And I move by tapping the screen, hoo boy, my tablet's gonna have _so_ much finger grease on it... *kills some Heartless and picks up some shinys* ...I just killed some Heartless. But isn't this supposed to be a prequel from like five million years ago or whatever? Aren't those not supposed to be created yet? Or did someone else create them in this timeline and once this universe collapses the next one has to wait for Ansem the Wise to do the dumb thing of recreating them? But if that's the case then why do we get all these medals and outfits depicting people who won't even be born or created for thousands of years? Do versions of these people exist in this universe and that's why we vaguely know about them? Or is this all because of the Master of Masters's Keyblade being passed down in the future so that he could use the eye to write the Book of Prophecies and thus crate data versions of everything...Oooh, treasure. Yeah, thinking about the logistics of this makes my brain hurt, I'm just gonna kill things. *kills things* EXP is called Lux this time, huh? Okay, I'm sure that won't be important later. And now for a victory happy dance. *ignores the in-game music and hums the Final Fantasy victory fanfare in her head instead* I have no idea what most of these items do but they look vaguely important maybe.

**Small talking cat thing:** 'Sup.

**Noriko:** GAH.

**Small talking cat thing:** Oh shut up, it's fine. Anyway, nice job on killing those horrible monsters—PUT THE KEYBLADE DOWN I'M ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.

**Noriko:** *looks distressed*

**Small talking cat thing:** You look a little confused.

**Noriko:** That is _not_ the emotion I was trying to convey.

**Small talking cat thing:** Well you only have a few stock faces in this game. But guess what? You and anyone else who is able to access Google Play and only the Amazon app store _years_ down the line is now able to become a Keyblade Wielder. Everyone's special now, meaning no one is! Hooray!

**Noriko:** Way to make me feel good inside...

**Small talking cat thing:** Kill every thing in sight because a talking cat told you to.

**Noriko:** This seems like not the sane thing to do.

**Small talking cat thing:** You'll be saving the universe!

**Noriko:** ...Fuck you for appealing to my saving-people-thing.

**Small talking cat thing:** Every Keyblade wielder's got some variation of it we think maybe. But yeah, Keyblade only effective weapon against the Heartless, you've known this for over fifteen years now, I doubt you need this tutorial. Anyway, the leader of your faction, presumably, asked me to look after a certain Keyblade wielder...EVERYONE WHO SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT. _EVERY. SINGLE. ONE._ I'm Chirithy, and honestly even if you weren't the player character everyone gets a Chirithy anyway so this doesn't really make you that much more special.

**Noriko:** What, you know Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu or something?

**Chirithy:** Why'd I get stuck with a fucking weeb. Anyway, you and your Starlight just started existing so you both suck. Start doing some quests and maybe you'll start to suck less. Do this by collecting faces of people who haven't been born yet and sticking them to your Keyblade. There are three different kinds: Strength, speed, and magic, color coded by red, green, and blue. So as usual think Pokémon terms: Fire beats grass beats water beats fire, so strength beats speed beats magic beats strength. You won't really work that out 'till later though, so for now just walk through these babby missions and level up a little I guess, get used to this new fighting style on yet _another_ fucking platform, though at least this time it's on a system most people own...

**Noriko:** Okay, time to check out this new menu system...that I can't actually look at because I'm forced to go to quests, poop. Hey cool, I can invite “friends” on missions with me even if I haven't joined a party yet, that's neat. Can't wait to learn that it's just borrowing a medal and nothing else...

**Game:** And now we're forcing you to spend jewels so you can buy medals!

**Noriko:** Balls. Least this new Mickey one I got looks pretty tough even if it'll turn out to be one of the weakest ones you can have. *equips it because she's forced to* Can't wait to make my own fucking decisions for my own damn self! *completes another murder mission*

**Vulpes leader (fuck it, it's Ava):** *comes through one of the Lanes Between* You're beginning to suck less. This is a good sign. Now you've done well against the Shadows and weak babby Heartless, but what about that Darkside right behind you?

**Noriko:** Oh dear.

**Master Ava:** LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ALL HAVE LIGHTER SKIN THAN YOU!

**Noriko:** Yeah, since I had the luxury of choosing, those who didn't choose similarly are far more noticeable.

**Master Ava:** I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS SERIES RAN ON FRIENDSHIP.

**Noriko:** How 'bout that.

**“Friends”:** We've basically taken it out for you! Deal the finishing blow and take all the credit!

**Noriko:** Now _that_ I can do! *kills Darkside* KABLAMS!

**Darkside:** *explodes instead of sending a heart up to the sky like usual – wait, no, it was a pureblood, never mind*

**Master Ava:** Yeah, so there are five of us total with radically different views on how best to protect the universe from destruction, if they even want to do that. I'm putting you all on an active witch hunt in addition to trying to not die and murder everything in your path. Have fun distrusting all of the friends I just forced you to make! *leaves through a Lane Between*

**Noriko:** Well that was fun—wait, where'd everybody go?

**Chirithy:** It's just me now. And I don't really know how old everyone is or if they have families that are worried about them — I know at least one person has a sibling for like the first time in this series — but never mind that now, just do all our dirty work for us and everything'll work itself out in the end.

**Noriko:** I don't trust you. I trust you so not at all.

**Chirithy:** WHO WANTS TO GO THROUGH A BUNCH OF DISNEY MOVIES WE'RE MASQUERADING AS OTHER PLANETS.

**Noriko:** CURSES, MY ONE WEAKNESS! *creates her own Lane Between and opes the way to the Dwarf Woodlands* ...Oh good.

**Regina—I mean Grimhilde—I mean the Evil Queen:** *walks up to the Magic Mirror* Evidently I have to summon your spirit from a different dimension. Which actually makes some amount of sense, really.

**Mirror:** Indeed. So what do you want to know?

**Evil Queen:** Eh, the usual.

**Mirror:** Well Snow White just hit puberty, meaning she is of childbearing and thus marriageable age, so that means she's hotter than you now I guess.

**Evil Queen:** …Well shit.

**Snow White:** Thankfully only these musical notes appear above my head so you don't actually have to hear me sing.

**Charming:** Yes but then you can't hear _me_ sing.

**Snow White:** Pity, your voice is actually kind of tolerable.

**Charming:** I AM TAKING MY HAT OFF!

**Snow White:** Gasp! That's inappropriate, you're practically naked and there's a lady in the castle! *runs into the castle*

**Charming:** But it's back on though.

**Snow White:** Oh, okay, I guess I can watch you from the door.

**Evil Queen:** ...I look entirely non-threatening in this chibi form. *closes windows in disgust*

**Noriko:** Okay, am I allowed to kill things now? I'm gonna kill things now. *kills things*

**Dwarf Woodlands title card:** *doesn't manifest itself till the next quest*

**Noriko:** Damn it, I'm automatically killing Shadows so I won't get any credit, this sucks.

**Doc:** The fuck're you supposed to be and why is a giant key now a standard weapon.

**Noriko:** Just some random...teenager? I think? And I don't know, it just kind of is now.

**Doc:** Huh. Neat. Anyway, those preachers — erm, creatures — have been nothing but stubble — uh, trouble.

**Noriko:** Do you have a speaking problem?

**Doc:** Evidently. I'm a croc — I mean I'm Doc. Well, both things are technically true, I guess. My friends and I all fuck while drinking wine — _work down in the mine,_ wow, that one was weird. We were doin' fine until those evil monsters showed up.

**Noriko:** Mm-hmm, then what?

**Doc:** Well we all ran away but it looks like I was the only one to make it out. I'm quite fine with the idea of their violent deaths — _so_ worried that they might not have made it out! But who can I _possibly_ call upon to help, it's so frustrating not knowing how to deal with this new threat—

**Noriko:** Jesus, fine, I'll help you, you passive aggressive bitchlord.

**Doc:** Well golly gee, that swirl is gel — sure is swell!

**Noriko:** Hrg.

**Doc:** So I'm just gonna stand around while you progress through this planet, yay — 'kay? *walks off*

**Noriko:** *murders everything in her path to catch up*

**Doc:** Mime's through the fair — Mine is through there. Murder shit for us, would ya?

**Noriko:** ...Escort mission right off the bat, huh?

**Doc:** Actually, I kind of just stand around whenever I'm actually in a mission with ya, and the monsters don't bother me none.

**Noriko:** Oh, okay, that's infinitely better.

**Doc:** I sure feel safe with you here.

**Noriko:** Even though you would've been safe anyway, got it. Heh, I just noticed the trees have evil glowing eyes, that's a cool detail.

**Doc:** Jiminy Crickets!

**Noriko:** And now I loathe you even more and I don't know why.

**Doc:** So now we got monsters fucking up our mouse — house, I don't care what they do to the mouse but they can't hurt our house!

**Noriko:** This is my sad face.

**Doc:** Random woman person, do the thing!

**Noriko:** So this is how it is, huh. Now you get a nice look at my frowny face. Or my determination face but I'm choosing to interpret it as my frowny face. *kills everything* Fuck.

**Doc:** You sure showed him!

**Noriko:** Yeah but I didn't kill one of them on the first turn. And it was pretty strong so I have a feeling I'm going to be replaying this mission a lot, at least until I get way better medals and then come back...

**Doc:** It's _fine,_ at least the house is okay. I'm gonna take a leak — take a peak inside to see if anyone's home, will you keep the yard clear while I do that?

**Noriko:** You're lucky you're asking nicely... *continues to murder everything*

**Chirithy:** Hey, just popping in. You seem to be getting used to things nicely! That short guy looked kind of freaked out though. I don't know if he's just worried about his friends or if your propensity to repeat missions in order to level up and try to collect and complete shit means you're taking too long. Either way, you know you'll get more interesting shit if you just go through the story missions like a normal person, right? You can always come back later—

**Noriko:** DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB.

**Chirithy:** ...That's literally what I'm here for though...

**Doc:** So there's no one inside the cottage but there's shit down in the mine. I actually hate to ask this of you but I'm a lazy piece of garbage — I have no fighting skills.

**Noriko:** Okay now I'm getting annoyed. Mainly as there's another Large Body up ahead and I think I've proven I can't take them out in one turn yet.

**Doc:** I'd sure be grateful though.

**Noriko:** Whatever. *murders Large Body* Damn it, gonna have to come back again...

**Doc:** Yeah but I can make love in a mine now though — look for my friends in the mine now though. The fuck was I thinking with that first one, no one's ever made love in a mine. That's a fact. And to think I thought my buds were back at work, there's nothin' but monsters in here!

**Noriko:** This murdering shit's starting to get a little fun. Kinda worried what that says about me—HOLY SHIT.

**Behemoth:** *suddenly appears through a Dark Corridor*

**Noriko:** ...GOOD THING I CAN USE OTHER PEOPLE'S MEDALS FOR THIS SHIT. *barely manages to scrape through a win through the power of medals, friendship, and the enemy somehow being stunned for a turn* Well at least I'm leveling up pretty rapidly at this rate.

**Doc:** They should be in here somewhere...

**Noriko:** Hang on, Doc, I need to check some things out. *had unlocked the avatar board for Victorian Spring outfit and Wavy Bob hair* ...Oh yeah, I like this way better. Think I'll change my hair color as well... *dyes it grey and heads back into the quest* ...Happy's right there, why can't I interact with him. * _finally_ manages to kill off a Large Body in a reasonable amount of time*

**Doc:** YO HAPPY, WHUT UP, BITCH!

**Happy:** Hey, you look concerned for some reason.

**Doc:** _...Probably because we're surrounded by monsters?!_

**Happy:** You getting your words confused again?

**Doc:** I...I can't even...

**Happy:** Well let me know when you can even, 'cause the mine cart's broken down, should probably do something about that.

**Doc:** ...Boy do I wish you were a flying blue unicorn instead of this fuck. Where are the rest, though?

**Happy:** ...Who cares?

**Doc:** Good point — We have to find them. Hey, random person—

**Noriko:** JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO FIND ALL SEVEN OF YOU FUCKERS—

**Doc:** Thanks for the assist, you can go now!

**Noriko:** …

**Happy:** Indeed, please leave.

**Doc:** Get fucked — Good luck. *leaves with Happy*

**Noriko:** ...What the fuck just happened.

**Chirithy:** I don't know but I say we leave the planet now, I'm sure you're getting bored even though we haven't even come close to seeing the Evil Queen yet. Wanna go to Wonderland?

**Noriko:** Once I'm done maxing out everything I can do here, I need to replay a couple missions.

**Chirithy:** ...Sure, fine, whatever, just open the Lane Between first so you don't fuck it up.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *goes to Wonderland and falls down the rabbit hole* Hoo boy, this world's always _such_ a treat...Wait, this isn't the Bizarre Room! Is this the actual room for the movie? Nice, now I won't hate myself while playing this, this is actually pretty sweet! *kills everything and tries to open the tiny door*

**Doorknob:** Yeah that's not gonna work.

**Noriko:** I thought not.

**Doorknob:** You should think about losing some weight.

**Noriko:** Actually, for once, I think the female character designs look pretty okay, as if they might possibly eat on occasion and don't _all_ conveniently have “fast metabolism.” This theory will vary based on costume choice.

**Doorknob:** I think it's implied that I think you're gonna cry no matter what gender you present yourself as.

**Noriko:** And I am too lazy to check!

**Doorknob:** Hey go find Alice or something.

**Noriko:** M'kay.

**Doorknob:** Where is she, you ask?

**Noriko:** I actually haven't been speaking this whole time, but sure.

**Doorknob:** Why, on the other side, naturally.

**Noriko:** Okay, just let me squeeze through—

**Doorknob:** Stop trying to open me, fatass! Go drink that Shrinking Solution that just spontaneously appeared on that table over there...Wait, you have a giant key that can open me up and possibly make me bigger! Even though it's been pointed downward directly at me this whole time, I only just noticed it! Well that makes everything infinitely easier and you don't seem like a complete and utter dumbass; surely you'll try the smart thing and open me with that immediately—

**Soldier Heartless:** Don't call me Shirley. *steals Shrinking Solution*

**Doorknob:** ...Well poop.

**Noriko:** No worries, I got this. *murders all Heartless that suddenly pop up and takes the Shrinking Solution back* Kablamzo! *downs it in one* Hey, look at me! I'm a tiny little weird thingy!

**Doorknob:** Oh, just like in real life.

**Noriko:** Oh...Why you gotta go there...

**Doorknob:** Well, now there's randomly a cookie in the table with the antidote in it. Probably works a little too well so how 'bout you go through me for now.

**Noriko:** M'kay — Ooh, cool forest.

**Chirithy:** And I'm here again. We got darkness all up in this bitch. Murder everything, will ya?

**Noriko:** Was planning on it, yes.

**Chirithy:** This world be fucked up.

**Noriko:** You're not unright.

**Chirithy:** Dude you're so tiny you can walk on leaves now.

**Noriko:** Cool. Hey, Alice.

**Alice:** Why, hello there. My name is Alice.

**Noriko:** Yes I know who you are.

**Alice:** Who might you be?

**Noriko:** Since I can't actually physically talk except when I can, just call me a friend.

**Alice:** Well at least you're upfront about things instead of talking in the vaguest manner possible, that would just be annoying. I don't suppose you've seen a white rabbit, have you?

**Noriko:** I kind of just got here.

**Alice:** Poop. Where'd he go?

**Noriko:** Over there.

**White Rabbit:** Hello, I'm over here now! *runs off*

**Alice:** BOOSH! HEY, GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! *chases after him*

**Noriko:** ...Welp, she solved her problem! Guess that's me out—

**Cheshire Cat:** Leaving so soon?

**Noriko:** Oh no not you.

**Cheshire Cat:** *appears, mouth and eyeballs first* I bet you like having things explained to you in a very clear and concise manner.

**Noriko:** It's like you know me!

**Cheshire Cat:** Well tough, you ain't gonna get any of that here.

**Noriko:** Fuck nuggets.

**Alice:** I'm back now! And apparently I'm as tall as you are despite me being seven-and-a-half and you being vaguely teenager-age-ish. Anyway, lost the White Rabbit again. Mind helping me out?

**Noriko:** Eh, got nothing better to do evidently; aside from murdering Heartless my mission statement is kind of unclear.

**Alice:** Oh hurrah! Except we're hopelessly lost now. Do you know where we started, at least?

**Noriko:** Nope! Let's go deeper!

**Alice:** Um...Can we not? It's slippery as shit on these leaves.

**Noriko:** How can you tell, you never move from that one spot.

**Alice:** Well at least we're not in the leaves anymore, thanks for that. Imma randomly go this way now, see ya.

**Noriko:** Okay, I'm just gonna meander around—

**Alice:** Are you following me? Whatever, the White Rabbit's got some weird-looking dudes in front of his house.

**Noriko:** What, you mean like everyone on this planet even discounting the Heartless?

**Alice:** Precisely!

**Noriko:** Hurg. *kills all the Heartless*

**Alice:** Okay, maybe that wasn't his house.

**Noriko:** THEN WHAT WAS I JUST FIGHTING FOR!

**Alice:** I'm gonna look somewhere else. BYEEE!

**Chirithy:** ...Wanna go somewhere else?

**Noriko:** _Please._ *goes to Agrabah*

**Aladdin and Abu:** *are running from people*

**Guard:** Stop, thief! *chases them*

**Aladdin:** Hey wow, my house is actually in this game, looking way better than it did in any of the base games. Here, Abu, have some bread, I know it has raisins in it which is why I'm giving it to you, I hate raisins.

**Abu:** *jumps up and down*

**Aladdin:** What's that? You think we should just kill the bread maker? Well now that you mention it, I'm thinking...Yeah. No more fucking raisins. Also we have such a great view, amirite?

**Some douchebag:** YO WE GOT MONSTERS UP IN THIS BITCH!

**Aladdin:** ...Hurg, fine. Good thing I have a sword in every adaptation except the SNES game even though I didn't have a sword in the movie at all except for maybe like two seconds of screen time near the end.

**Red Bandit:** I have all the moneys.

**Aladdin:** Could you not? *tries to fight it and fails epically*

**Abu:** *tries to fight it and disappears with it down a Dark Corridor*

**Aladdin:** ...WELP, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A GOAL FOR THIS SECTION. *collapses in agony*

**Title card:** Hey, did you know this was Agrabah?

**Noriko:** I did, actually, and I'm sure that the Kingdom Hearts franchise as a whole will in no way make me sick of this shit whatsoever. Hey Aladdin, wake your shit.

**Aladdin:** I am instantly better now. I would've been in real trouble if you hadn't helped me to my feet. I'm Aladdin. And you are?

**Noriko:** I can't talk.

**Aladdin:** Nameless weirdo it is. You're, uh, not from around here, are you?

**Noriko:** What makes you think that?

**Aladdin:** N-Nothing, you should probably leave though, the desert kind of sucks. Also monsters.

**Noriko:** Well it's literally my job description to kill them, so...

**Aladdin:** And now I'm going to take it upon myself to protect Agrabah. Which I could probably accomplish if I just applied to be a guard or something but I guess they won't take me because of my criminal record. Which is also probably why I never bothered trying to get a job because _every_ job looks at that...Anyway, you fuck off. *runs off*

**Noriko:** ...No.

**Chirithy:** Oh good, I was worried I'd have to guilt you into sticking around. The city isn't far from here. Let's go!

**Noriko:** Pfft, like you'd actually stick around or help in any way.

**Aladdin:** I thought I told you to fuck off!

**Noriko:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

**Aladdin:** I present to you the edge of my dick. Please fuck off from it.

**Noriko:** No.

**Aladdin:** Hey, actual justification for the streets being fucking empty: Everyone got scared and ran. Guards are still around, though. Mind asking them what's up for me? I'm kind of a wanted thief. Which, hey, I only steal what I can't afford. And that's everything. Had to pirate _Game of Thrones_ 'cause I can't sign up for HBO Now, _and_ I had to leech off a cafe's free wifi from a stolen computer to do it, it's the worst.

**Noriko:** HA, this was written before season eight. *murders things for a while* Fuck this, I need some new gear. *spends some jewels to get Paine, Evil Queen, and Beast medals* ...Something tells me I'm gonna be replacing a lot of these soon enough. *kills more things*

**Random guard on roof:** Fighting's _hard._ Try not to die horribly.

**Chirithy:** You are _not_ gonna be able to kill that Invisible for a while. I'd suggest giving up on completing everything at once until you get stronger.

**Noriko:** This is gonna really fuck with my completionist tendencies.

**Chirithy:** You think that's bad, just wait till you can't afford limited edition medals hidden behind slots or avatar boards, _and_ you'll never be able to get VIP shit.

**Pat:** I think the king of all disgusting microtransaction statements was like [several] years ago when John Riccitiello was talking to his investment group about the future of possible Battlefield microtransactions and price sensitivity, and he was talking about like — say you're three hours into a game of Battlefield and you have a good match and when you go to reload you're out of ammo for that match, so maybe we charge you fifty cents to reload. “The customer isn't price sensitive at that moment, so that's our chance to get them.” Like, these kinds of businessmen and investors are FUCKING SCUMBAGS! They are _disgusting!_

**Liam:** And we're gonna talk a lot more about them.

**Pat:** Boy are we!

**Woolie:** But modified versions of their ideas are already successful in the industry today, and that's why they will never go away.

**Pat:** Well, to an extent. The worse it gets, the more, I believe, attractive versions that are _not_ this will become.

**Noriko:** Which is a major part of why I'm just gonna fucking quit in about two years.

**Chirithy:** Add all that to the fact that you joined too late to get a free Aqua medal...

**Noriko:** Wait _WHAT?!_ FUCK! *murders more things in rage*

**Chirithy:** ...Dude you're gonna get her eventually anyway...

**Random Guard:** I hear strange noises coming from the storehouse. Probably a monster considering the city's fucking full of monsters.

**Noriko:** Mm-hmm.

**Random Guard:** What? You'll check it out?

**Noriko:** I didn't say that, I did _not_ fucking say that!

**Random Guard:** Well, if you insist, then you have my permission.

**Noriko:** Curse my forced status as a silent protagonist! *clears out the storehouse*

**Random Guard:** So it really was one of those monsters.

**Noriko:** Dude there were like five of them.

**Random Guard:** You did a great job. The invisible townspeople that you'll never see can rest easy now despite the fact that there are still monsters all over the fucking place.

**Noriko:** Great...

**Aladdin:** Hey! You're okay?! What a relief.

**Noriko:** Always the tone of surprise...

**Aladdin:** But what brings you here?

**Noriko:** It was literally the next quest I had to do.

**Aladdin:** Me? Well I heard the Red Bandit was in the desert. I'm just grabbing a few things for the road.

**Noriko:** The things you won't need 'cause I'll be the one doing all the work? Though I suppose water's a thing...

**Aladdin:** That monster and I have some unfinished business. What? You wanna come with me?

**Noriko:** Fucking... _no?!_

**Aladdin:** I appreciate it, but I can't let you do that.

**Noriko:** ... _Let_ me? I'm sorry, do you perceive that you have some sort of _control_ over my actions, person I've only just met!?

**Aladdin:** Of course, I can't really stop you either...

**Noriko:** Damn right you can't.

**Aladdin:** Just try not to get hurt, okay?

**Noriko:** This dialogue _better_ be the fucking same for all genders...

**Aladdin:** The desert is full of monsters. We better be careful.

**Noriko:** I can see that. Prick... *kills all of the things*

**Aladdin:** We're almost there. Hang on, Abu!

**Noriko:** Can't believe we're doing all this for a monkey...

**Aladdin:** Look at all these monsters...

**Noriko:** That I'm fighting for you, yes, I see them quite clearly.

**Aladdin:** There's gonna be trouble if they make it into the city. Let's take care of 'em now!

**Noriko:** ...Yes. Yes _I_ will. *kills even more of the things*

**Aladdin:** Well, that takes care of those bad guys!

**Noriko:** I hate your face.

**Aladdin:** Now let's get back to finding that Red Bandit.

**Noriko:** ...You know, for a guy who didn't want me involved in the first place, you sure don't seem to have a problem with making me do all the work for you.

**Aladdin:** The Red Bandit was spotted in this area that we're conveniently in because you started a new quest so we're in a different section of the desert now. He's a real tricky one. We can't let our guard down for a second. He's gotta be around here somewhere. You go find him, I'll just stand in one place and let the monsters never attack me.

**Noriko:** Got it. *kills the Heartless specifically called the Red Bandit*

**Aladdin:** That wasn't him. That wasn't the red monster I was after.

**Noriko:** ...Well at least I've been leveling up and getting strengthening medal things. Gotta just take what I can get...

**Aladdin:** Wonder where he could be...

**Noriko:** I'm sure I'll be back to find him for you eventually.

**Aladdin:** Anyway, thanks for the help, but I can take it from here.

**Noriko:** No you can't.

**Aladdin:** No I can't. I'll let you know if I'm ever in trouble, because somehow I can communicate across planets it's totally possible shut up. *leaves*

**Chirithy:** Seems your “friend” has things under control, so let's head back to Daybreak Town for more fetch quests!

**Noriko:** I am not a fan of this plan...Except I am a fan of the new Keyblade that's actually quite old, I can deal with this. *teleports back to Daybreak Town*

~Well that was long, annoying, and complicated. Also this first chapter was quite packed.~


	2. Mandatory Extended Fetch Quest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Black Lives Matter. Everyone try and do your best to keep yourselves safe and healthy out there:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, Pat Stares At, _Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ren and Stimpy,_ and anything ever owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~WELL I'M SURE THIS NEXT GIANT BATCH OF QUESTS WON'T BE ANNOYING AT ALL!~

**Shooting star:** *streaks across the sky during a rare occurrence when Daybreak Town's actually at night*

**Noriko:** The shit happened here and why are there multicolored blocks and balls everywhere.

**Moogle:** Fucked if I know but I'm not letting any of it go to waste, kupo! I'm gonna salvage and sell everything, kupo!

**Donald:** Aw phooey!

**Noriko:** ...No...

**Donald:** How did this happen?

**Noriko:** No fucking way...

**Goofy:** I don't know, Donald. It's like the whole thing just fell apart.

**Noriko:** WHAT TIME PERIOD IS THIS IN?! IS THIS PART OF THE DATA SHIT OR IS IT SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!? *walks up to them*

**Goofy:** *sees Noriko and the weapon she's carrying* Gawrsh! Is that what I think it is?

**Noriko:** Yes, I'm called a human, I know those are rare on your planet.

**Donald:** A Keyblade?!

**Noriko:** ...And you know about Keyblades. I are confuzzled.

**Gummi copters:** *suddenly appear*

**Noriko:** And now to murder more shit. You know, they don't aggro me until I actually get in their faces for the most part. They might not do anything if I just leave them alone, but I doubt anyone's tried that. TIME TO GO WITH THE CROWD AND MURDER THESE FREAKS OF NATURE BECAUSE THEY'RE DIFFERENT! *kills one in a cutscene and a red triangle flies out of its ass and into Goofy's pocket*

**Donald:** ...What the fuck just happened?

**Goofy:** Pfft, I don't fucking know. All I know is I now have a Gummi block.

**Donald:** Like the ones that are literally scattered all around us?

**Goofy:** The very same. And I think it's magnetically drawn to this random device I also have in my pocket. It does lend a new perspective on the Gummi Heartless, though; I always thought they were Shadows piloting mechs or something, but the Gummis themselves appear to be _actual_ Heartless. That's...That's kind of horrifying. But who cares, the more we beat up, the more Gummi blocks we get and the more they will automatically be drawn to my crotch. Thanks, random stranger whose name we will never ask for!

**Donald:** Never mind that, why does she have a Keyblade?

**Noriko:** Don't ask me, I just started the game and automatically got one.

**Donald:** I am somehow translating your non-speech into knowing about the masked figures in the robes and whoever this Chirithy freakazoid is. And yet I am still super confused. How come I've never heard of them before?

**Noriko:** HOW COME YOU'RE ALIVE WHEN THIS IS A SUPER EARLY PREQUEL.

**Goofy:** Donald. We are on a _different planet._ Shit's gonna be weird!

**Donald:** You just say that because every new place has its own customs and history and we should learn to respect them as long as no one gets hurt.

**Goofy:** That would be the humane thing to do, yes.

**Donald:** Good thing we're not humans, then!

**Goofy:** Huh boy. Anyway, random stranger, you may have noticed that our Gummi ship exploded on impact when we crash-landed here. Don't ask why we're still alive. And then a bunch of Heartless stole the Gummi blocks and fucked off to, conveniently, a bunch of planets you've already gone to. Mind spending Merlin knows how many quests on this one fetch quest?

**Donald:** Goofy. We just met this person. We don't know her name. Despite the Keyblade she could be a huge bitch who doesn't want to help anyone ever. _Why are we asking her to do anything for us._

**Goofy:** Because we're weak pathetic babies and she has a weapon that we've seen her kick ass with. Surprisingly, _we_ don't have any weapons right now for some reason.

**Donald:** I noticed that, yeah, that's weird.

**Goofy:** So? Wanna do a bunch of hard labor for us for no pay just because we told you to?

**Donald:** THESE AREN'T UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS AT ALL!

**Noriko:** Meh, I knew I was signing up for the long haul when I downloaded this game.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, thanks! Here's a random device for you to shove up your ass!

**Noriko:** Good thing I can equip pouches onto my outfit...

**Goofy:** We'll be right here tryin' to rebuild the ship with the parts we still have despite the fact that we're gonna randomly spread out so you can talk to us in certain areas.

**Noriko:** Hang on, gotta waste most of my jewels so I can look like Riku with Naminé hair. *wastes most of her jewels so she can look like Riku with Naminé hair* “So is ShieldEcho actually any good at this game?” No. But that's why I need the shiniest pretty dollies. 'Cause if I have the shiniest dollies, then everyone will _think_ I'm cool, even though I won't _be_ cool. *finally settles on grey for a hair color* Okay, back to murder... _Boy_ do I not like the defense the gummi copters are rockin', hope that's not a constant thing. *kills more* It's a constant thing, isn't it. Shit. *adds Mickey ears to her costume*

**Donald:** Uh oh! That one looks mean!

**Noriko:** Gummi Hammers are annoying, yes. *kills it like the rest and continues to murder everything in her path*

**Notification:** *pops up*

**Noriko:** ...Three different group invites? Whoa... *picks the one whose name sounds the coolest, but since I have no way of contacting any of my old party members after I quit, out of respect for everyone's privacy I won't be talking about them much, and never by name* Huh, I'm the third member of this group, nice. And of course I'm the only one with a non-light skinned avatar thus far, boy does that not surprise me. Fortunately that will change, and shortly.

**Donald:** We need a lot of blocks for our ship.

**Noriko:** ...Great... *hands them to Goofy because fuck Donald*

**Goofy:** Thanks! Wow, there's a lot here. Let's see if we can build anything functional...

**Donald:** STOP SHOVING SHIT UP MY ASS!

**Goofy:** Sorry, I don't know why the screen suddenly went to black like that! Nor do I like the implications of us saying that things aren't going according to keikakku...

**Donald:** I sense a plot to extend the story for arbitrary reasons coming up.

**Goofy:** You're just saying that because we built a car instead of a gummi ship.

**Donald:** I blame you. *starts taking the gummi car apart*

**Goofy:** Yo, random stranger, fetch us some more shit, will you?

**Noriko:** Well why the fuck not. *opens a Lane Between to the Dwarf Woodlands*

**Chirithy:** Y'all ready for this?

**Noriko:** Whatever.

**Chirithy:** Hang on, I found a bottle. No respect for the environment...

**Noriko:** How'd I get inside the dwarves' cabin.

**Doc:** This bottle's got paper in it. Apparently Sleepy's fucked himself over—I mean he's in dire need of our assistance. Hey could you save him for us? We don't really care that much.

**Noriko:** I have to do _everything_ around here...

**Chirithy:** I think you're lost.

**Noriko:** I'm not lost, I'm just stupid.

**Chirithy:** It's this way.

**Noriko:** Kinda figured that out from the fact that each quest is manufactured in such a way that I am pointed in a specific direction and nothing else.

**Sleepy:** I'm making it sound like this monster is more of an inconvenience than an actual threat.

**Grumpy:** Seriously, I think I could actually take him.

**Noriko:** *tiredly* I got this, you guys. *kills the Wibble Wobble* Hey, you guys okay?

**Grumpy:** No one asked you!

**Sleepy:** Yes we did. I specifically sent out a plea for help. Kinda with Noriko in mind, really, no one else likes us.

**Grumpy:** Why not? We have such amazing personalities! Now lead us outta this mess!

**Noriko:** I hate my life.

**Sleepy:** I wanna nap first.

**Grumpy:** For fuck's sake.

**Noriko:** I'm gonna kill everyone and then myself.

**Sleepy:** Zzzzz...

**Grumpy:** Not if I kill everyone and then myself first.

**Sleepy:** This isn't the way.

**Noriko:** I GO WHERE THE QUESTS FORCE ME TO GO.

**Grumpy:** Where'd all these monsters come from, anyway?

**Noriko:** The darkness in people's hearts. You know. _Negative emotions._

**Grumpy:** I don't follow.

**Noriko:** Of course you fucking don't.

**Sleepy:** I can't wait to sleep in my own bed.

**Noriko:** Wouldn't mind that either, frankly.

**Grumpy:** I hear rumblin' from thatta way!

**Noriko:** Well the target's over there but I _do_ like maxing out shit... *kills the Morning Star before she kills the Large Body she's supposed to* It's gonna be a long time before I can kill everything in one turn for half these levels...

**Doc:** Shit, you're back—I mean thank Merlin you're both safe!

**Grumpy:** I loathe you too.

**Doc:** Thanks for doing the cool thing for us so we didn't have to do anything once again! We're gonna get drunk with the others now.

**Sleepy:** I'm already drunk!

**Grumpy:** And I can never be drunk enough...

**Chirithy:** And you've also been collecting gummi blocks that whole time! Apparently! Go see Donald and Goofy again, see if you're done with their bullshit.

**Noriko:** I somehow doubt that. *goes back to Daybreak Town*

**Donald:** Yeah, more shit! But not engine shit, though. Probably should've realized that before we even built the car version.

**Goofy:** Don't worry, I have a convenient radar that can just find the shit we're looking for now. Go that way. You. Person. Do it.

**Noriko:** Wow. I did not see that coming. What a surprising turn of events.

**Moogle:** The warehouse isn't over here, kupo.

**Noriko:** Fuck off the edge of my dick, kupo.

**Moogle:** You don't have one of those, kupo.

**Noriko:** I can literally switch at any time, kupo.

**Moogle:** Fair enough, kupo.

**Five Wizard Heartless:** *suddenly swarm Noriko*

**Noriko:** Hmm, little tough at this point, but I think I might be up to the challenge—

**Star Shard:** *brings Mickey, who's wielding Star Seeker, which Mickey uses to get rid of all five Wizards in one blow*

**Mickey:** Balls, here too, huh?

**Noriko:** ...Okay, Jesus Christ, I don't know what's going on here.

**Mickey:** Doesn't matter, the point is your Keyblade proves that we're on the same side. I'm Mickey.

**Noriko:** Yes I know who you are.

**Mickey:** So I've never been to this planet before. You seen a giant anthropomorphic talking duck and dog around anywhere?

**Noriko:** Well—

**Mickey:** Their ship was destroyed?!

**Noriko:** HOW DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY. FUCK.

**Mickey:** Nice that you're helping them rebuild it, though.

**Noriko:** Well what else was I gonna do? _Not_ play the game? 'Cause in a couple of years I can easily see myself not doing exactly that...

**Mickey:** Oh, and Chip and Dale are here too.

**Noriko:** Oh good.

**Chip:** I'm gonna throw up.

**Dale:** And then I'll throw up due to the sensation of you throwing up.

**Chip:** Into your hair.

**Mickey:** Gross. Anyway, I gotta bounce. You two help Donald and Goofy, since you actually know what the fuck you're doing when it comes to gummi technology. Just follow this nice person who's doing everything for everyone completely of her own free will.

**Noriko:** You mean following the script?

**Mickey:** Oh shut up, you know you want to learn the lore.

**Noriko:** This is not untrue.

**Chip and Dale:** We're riding on your shoulders now.

**Noriko:** Huh boy. *runs off*

**Mickey:** DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

**Chip:** Don't forget to mainly focus on the gummi Heartless, even though you've been killing absolutely every single one you come across.

**Noriko:** Noted. *continues to murder indiscriminately*

**Moogle:** Kupopo! I've collected a bunch of shit off the street to sell for a premium, kupo!

**Noriko:** Oh good, you again.

**Moogle:** What, kupo? You're collecting them too, kupo?

**Noriko:** I never said that.

**Moogle:** I'm gonna kick your fucking ass, kupo!

**Noriko:** Whatever.

**Mickey:** Yo for real, thanks for doing all this stupid bullshit.

**Noriko:** Meh. Aaaaand you two built a boat this time.

**Goofy:** Sure did! A-hyuk!

**Chip:** I'm gonna kill everyone and then myself.

**Dale:** We've been saying that a lot lately.

**Chip:** Re-watching Omikron LPs'll do that to you.

**Dale:** The fuck do we keep torturing ourselves like that for.

**Chip:** I see a new compilation, I watch the new compilation.

**Dale:** That's true.

**Goofy:** You two wanna fix it for us since clearly we don't know what we're doing? Oh, hang on, I just noticed you were here! 'Sup, nerds?

**Donald:** Oh thank Merlin.

**Chip:** Don't worry, we'll fix all the mistakes you failures have made!

**Dale:** With _this_ project, mind, you'll have to sort through your shitty lives on your own.

**Chip:** Except we're still missing parts.

**Dale:** Hey. You. Plot-relevant character. Do things.

**Noriko:** You mean this thing I already did? *holds up part*

**Donald and Goofy:** Well that's convenient.

**Chip:** Yep! 'Cept she'll need to get more of 'em.

**Dale:** Boy do we like dragging out quests!

**Goofy:** She's gonna get sick of this and leave if we keep pushing her!

**Noriko:** Eh, lux levels me up, it's fine. For now. *goes to Agrabah*

**Chirithy:** Looks like we're conveniently in the right place once again, only to be immediately sidetracked by shit that's happening on the planets themselves.

**Guard B:** I'm peeing my shit over here. One of the guards went into the desert hours ago and he never came back. It's his shift, I can't keep this up forever!

**Noriko:** I'm sliding into frame!

**Guard B:** You'll look for him? Thanks. I'm counting on you to bring him back safely.

**Noriko:** I DIDN'T. SAY. ANYTHING. But fine, whatever, I'll do it. *goes out into the desert*

**Aladdin:** Hey, what's up?

**Noriko:** SAD FACE.

**Aladdin:** Well I heard the Red Bandit was back so I came out here to commit murder again. 'Snot him, though. I'm going back home, you have fun dehydrating and hallucinating about water out in the desert. *leaves*

**Noriko:** Aww, what a nice guy. *goes deeper into the desert*

**Guard A:** Where'd you come from?

**Noriko:** Agrabah, I've been looking for you. *kills Fat Bandit*

**Guard A:** I HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.

**Noriko:** There's a damp patch on your pants.

**Guard A:** I just s-spilled s-some water!

**Noriko:** Uh-huh.

**Guard A:** Look, I just ain't ever seen nothin' that big before! And I had to keep it away from the palace! Just the royalty, mind, not Agrabah itself, I don't give a shit about that or any of the people in it. Imma report back now.

**Noriko:** Suddenly I'm escorting you. Oh boy.

**Guard A:** The fuck're all these guys coming from?

**Noriko:** Welp, they're never gonna leave, I'll tell you that for free.

**Guard A:** Another Fat Bandit! Imma protect the royalty, you stay here and guard these worthless peasants!

**Noriko:** Suits me fine, this is the first time in a while I've actually _wanted_ to do something I've been ordered to do. *kills newest Fat Bandit*

**Red Bandit:** *appears*

**Noriko:** Cool, this'll save on quests, probably.

**Aladdin:** Not quite!

**Noriko:** Damn it!

**Aladdin:** I'm gonna kill this one myself because I want all the glory to myself. Wanna help me kill it?

**Noriko:** ...I'm confused.

**Aladdin:** Okey-dokey, let's get this show on the road!

**Noriko:** ...Fuck it, I don't even care anymore.

**Red Bandit:** *parries them and vanishes*

**Aladdin:** Fuck nuggets. Still no Abu. And now I have a sad.

**Noriko:** Oh noes.

**Aladdin:** My bestest friendly-friend...

**Noriko:** ...Fuggit. Want help?

**Aladdin:** YES.

**Noriko:** M'kay.

**Aladdin:** Except I have to do it alone, though.

**Noriko:** Fucking _what?_

**Aladdin:** Look, this isn't any prideful shit or whatever, but Abu wouldn't want you putting yourself in danger to save him.

**Noriko:** He was eating bread in front of starving children and only gave it up because _you_ guilted him into it. I think he'd be pretty cool with a stranger he doesn't even know fighting tooth and nail to save his life.

**Aladdin:** Well there's also the fact that I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

**Noriko:** Oh well that makes way more sense.

**Aladdin:** How's this, I'll call you if I need help, okay?

**Noriko:** You have absolutely no way to keep in touch with me, but sure. *sticks around for a while to kill more things*

**Aladdin:** Where could he have gone?

**Noriko:** You're still here?

**Guard A:** Hey, I heard you killed the big thing again. Buuut there's still a metric fuckton of smaller ones in and around the city. Thankfully the palace appears to be devoid of them, probably so the artists behind this game don't have to create new areas until Union, so you need to kill them in the places you've already visited.

**Noriko:** Urgh, fine. *kills more things*

**Guard A:** *stands and applauds* Congratulations, Shinji!

**Noriko:** Still can't believe they couldn't get “Fly Me To The Moon”...

**Guard A:** Don't worry, though, they'll be back. And in greater numbers.

**Noriko:** I am aware of this, yes.

**Guard B:** Hey I'm here now, too! Your sword's weird, teach me shit.

**Noriko:** No.

**Chirithy:** Yeah we're done here for now, let's go back to the stupid gummi side plot.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *goes back to Daybreak Town*

**Chip:** Yeah, you did stuff! Now go do more stuff.

**Noriko:** I hate all of you.

**Chip:** Hey, plus side, the others are also actually looking for shit. The joke was that we were making you do everything but the reality is that we're only making you do most of it.

**Noriko:** ...That does actually make me feel a little better.

**Dale:** Awesome, now keep at it so we can leave.

**Noriko:** I would be happy if you did that, yes.

**Goofy:** Hey, seriously, thanks for doing all this stupid bullshit for us.

**Noriko:** Hey, no problem, man. *gets all the shit*

**Donald and Goofy:** *are suddenly inside the completed gummi ship*

**Chip:** *is standing on the _outside_ of the ship with Dale for some reason* Kablams! Yo Donald, check if this thing can actually fly or not.

**Donald:** By pressing the History Eraser Button, right?

**Goofy:** I'm gonna fucking kill you.

**Dale:** I don't think that worked.

**Chip:** I think it did, but we have to go into space _now,_ or it'll explode again.

**Dale:** But what about the King? And also the two of us who are _outside the fucking spaceship that is about to go INTO SPACE._

**Mickey:** Hey guys I'm here now! And...the fuck are you two doing, get _inside_ the spaceship! *gets inside the spaceship himself*

**Chip and Dale:** *follow him inside* ...Why didn't we do that to begin with.

**Mickey:** C'mon, let's go back to our own planet that as far as Union has gone so far will probably never be included on mobile. *blasts off into space with the other four*

**Noriko:** ...That happened.

**Chirithy:** It sure did, didn't it? And now that the aspirin has finally kicked in, I can look back on those guys with fondness instead of annoyance. Also they have a mouse as a king. Sure.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles a...wait, no, this is the same fucking spot, the hell.~

**Moogle:** *standing next to a giant gummi Moogle* It's finally complete, kupo! Now to sell my bullshit in every corner of the universe, kupo! Aaaaaaand I just realized that in my haste to create a giant version of me, kupo, I didn't build a fucking cockpit, kupo. Okay, kupo, that's a complete do-over, kupo...

~Well at least that's the only gummi content we have to put up with in this game.~


	3. Monthly Busywork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trans rights are human rights and black trans lives matter, why the fuck does basic human decency have to be spelled out like this:** That one song by Rev Theory, _Nier: Automata, The Hobbit,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Airplane!,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Archer, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Silent Hill 3,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~I like how they sprinkle in only the tiniest amount of plot in between all the Disney stuff. That may seem like the usual KH nonsense but at least you usually get the whole game up front...~

**Noriko:** Well those last few quests led to nothing. And now...I have no real objective so I'm just gonna murder Heartless until more plot happens. *goes to Wonderland*

**Cheshire Cat:** Weren't you looking for a white rabbit?

**Noriko:** ...Sure?

**Cheshire Cat:** Well go that way, then.

**Noriko:** … *head tilt* Okay...?

**White Rabbit:** My clock's busted. And by busted I mean the numbers have fucking disappeared. I have a feeling that's not normal. And time's such an ingrained part of our modern society that I have no way to tell what time of day it is because no one knows how to read what position the sun's in anymore.

**Alice:** IMMA HELP HIM! *runs after him* Now where could those numbers be?

**White Rabbit:** Maybe if I somehow got hold of a different watch instead of just looking for numbers on the ground...

**Noriko:** Why am I helping you chucklefucks.

**Alice:** Who cares, we apparently did the thing!

**White Rabbit:** HEY awesome guess what I'm still fucking late so see you later bye. *fucks off*

**Alice:** I wonder if he's ever going to put a restraining order on me for stalking him so often... *runs after him again*

**Noriko:** ...Well I'm just gonna kill things.

**Alice:** No but could you help me find the White Rabbit though?

**Noriko:** You have a problem and you need to talk to someone.

**Alice:** No but help me though.

**Noriko:** Why am I enabling you.

**Alice:** I'm gonna ask the Doorknob for help. *drags Noriko with her*

**Doorknob:** Haven't seen him.

**Alice:** I didn't ask anything yet but thanks.

**Doorknob:** Did you find him yet?

**Alice:** In the five seconds it took for this random stranger to murder everything around us? No.

**Doorknob:** Well in that case, I feel that the best thing to do is to show you where he lives so you can collect his fur off his pillow for your shrine.

**Noriko:** This is all kinds of horrible, why am I helping with this.

**Alice:** Because I'm only seven-and-a-half and I will probably die without your help.

**Noriko:** Fuuuuck...

**White Rabbit:** There's a giant monster in front of my house. Halp.

**Noriko:** Okay, _this_ I got no problem with. *kills Large Armor*

**White Rabbit:** The monster is suddenly, miraculously gone!

**Noriko:** Yeah. 'Cause I just killed it.

**White Rabbit:** Yeah that's nice, I'm still late so see you later bye. *runs off again*

**Alice:** Wait! Mr. Rabbit! I wanna smell your armpits! *runs after him as well*

**Noriko:** Okay, this was originally written for laughs but it's starting to really not be funny at all, why am I keeping it in aside from I sometimes like stupid dark edgy humor...

**Alice:** He's been inside his house for an awfully long time...

**Noriko:** IT'S BEEN TWO SECONDS!

**Alice:** Well I haven't found any way to break into this place so I'm going to hide under his porch because I love him.

**Noriko:** WOW that acquires a different meaning when not spoken by a dog...Hang on, I am distract.

**Cheshire Cat:** I hear voices in my head they counsel me they understand they talk to me.

**Noriko:** Good for you.

**Chirithy:** Hey, apparently I've been looking for you despite being linked to you. So can we head to Daybreak Town real quick?

**Noriko:** Will actual plot finally happen?

**Chirithy:** Sure, let's go with that.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *follows Chirithy back to Daybreak Town where the beginning of the Back Cover movie basically starts*

**Chirithy:** *starts speaking over a black screen* ..This story's getting pretty biblical right off the bat. *is floating in a test tube and slowly opens their eyes* Like, first darkness existed, then a planet basically made of light happened, and then I was created, and my master saw that it was good. *pops out of the test tube, gains blue cape and pink pouch thing, and perches atop a pillar of light* The fuck else am I supposed to interpret that shit.

**Noriko:** ...That's great, can you stick around for more than five seconds please. *goes through Daybreak Town trying to find them*

**Moogle:** Hey there, kupo, can I interest you in—

**Noriko:** Shove it up your ass, kupo!

**Chirithy:** Oh good, you found me. And you kicked ass the entire way, too!

**Noriko:** It's way easier when you understand how the fucking game works.

**Chirithy:** No kidding. Man, you're getting good with that weird sword thing. And you certainly look the part, too! Mainly because you're dressed like a version of someone who's already a Keyblade wielder! Or will be. It's not a hundred percent clear. Like the Shiki's hat addition, you look adorable. Now, exposition time.

**Noriko:** Good, that's the main reason why I'm playing this game.

**Chirithy:** *continuing the opening of the movie basically, showing silhouettes of Ava, Invi, Aced, Ira, and Gula* We pretty much start the mobile game with the Master of Masters having already died/pissed off/time traveled to the far future/who the _fuck_ even knows anymore, but before he did he finally bothered to give his six apprentices names so they could actually tell each other apart by more than their animal motifs. *book opens onto a description of a Darkside* And then the Master gave only five of them a book that can tell the future because why the fuck not at this point and also fuck that sixth one. Anyway, the five who were actually allowed to read into the future weren't exactly pleased to know that a war was gonna happen on their turf. Fans of the series, on the other hand, were actually super excited to finally gain some insight into this great Keyblade War that had been hyped up for years and years. *pages turn in rapid succession* Oh and also it would cause the apocalypse or something. *book faces and it focuses on the silhouettes again* The foretellers wanted to use the book that told exactly how the future was going to play out to try and change exactly how the future was going to play out. Evidently none of them had heard of the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy. *screen fades back to Chirithy and Noriko, still standing around in Daybreak Town* In a vain effort to protect the light, the foretellers harnessed the power of the future somehow, which explains all the Disney bullshit that all the player characters and everyone else can use to grind for levels, or at least what passes for levels. *bounces* The foretellers all basically had the same goal in mind with vastly different ideas on how to get there that none of them could agree on so virtually nothing was done. Isn't escapism wonderful? Also don't give up hope or whatever.

**Noriko:** ...Dude I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing, you just handed me a weird sword one day and told me to kill things. I'm helping out random people on random planets because aside from a generic kill order I don't really have much else to do, at least not that I know of yet. Fuck, aside from wandering around menacingly, they don't really attack anyone themselves, either. It's not until _I_ walk right up to them and draw my Keyblade that they become hostile in the first place, and that's kind of understandable self defense if you think about it.

**Chirithy:** That's nice, now get back to slaughterin'.

**Noriko:** *sigh* Work, work, work...

**Chirithy:** Aww, my little serial murderer's growing up so fast...

**Noriko:** I'm barely level fifty out of (at the time) three hundred, what're you talking about.

**Chirithy:** Oh, and if you could focus more exclusively on the Darkball breed of Heartless for this next batch of quests, that'd be _great._

**Noriko:** Oy vey. *heads to Dwarf Woodlands*

**Chirithy:** POINT!

**Noriko:** I have fully functioning vision, thank you. *kills Darkball*

**Grumpy:** The others are still lost, apparently.

**Noriko:** Huh.

**Grumpy:** Also you should kill these things.

**Noriko:** Whaddaya think I've _been_ doing?!

**Chirithy:** They're inside the mine now.

**Noriko:** Which is where the other dwarves are now, isn't it. Fan-fucking-tastic...

**Chirithy:** Man you're good at murderin'. Keep it up, champ!

**Noriko:** *continues to kill things* Not all that much to parody here...

**Chirithy:** I think we might be done with this planet for the moment. Though I am kind of wondering where this specific breed comes from, and in turn where _all_ of the different breeds come from. Anyway, I psychically know that they're in Wonderland now. Let's go.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *goes to Wonderland and murders all of the things there as well*

**Chirithy:** Aw yeah, work that booty!

**Noriko:** Who do I look like, 2B?!

**Cheshire Cat:** I'm fucking with you again.

**Noriko:** How 'bout you try that on someone who gives a fuck.

**Alice:** I got bored of sifting through the White Rabbit's garbage so I decided to observe as you slaughter the natural wildlife without mercy.

**Noriko:** That is a depressingly sound interpretation of what I am doing.

**Chirithy:** Seriously, I don't even know which breed is meant to go to which planet anymore. Anyway, Agrabah time now because I said so.

**Noriko:** You're the boss, Boss. *goes to Agrabah*

**Chirithy:** ...Okay, so there aren't actually any Darkballs in this particular quest, but—

**Noriko:** I know, I know. *continues the daily massacre*

**Guard A:** They've made it into the city! Hurry! We gotta do something! *continues to stand there motionlessly*

**Noriko:** Fuck you're useless.

**Guard A:** It's a good thing I have this small child person to do all my fighting for me!

**Noriko:** Why am I still doing this.

**Chirithy:** Okay, one more Darkball and we're done for now.

**Noriko:** Sick. *kills it*

**Chirithy:** Cool. So I think I know what happened, but I”m not gonna tell you about it.

**Noriko:** FANTASTIC.

**Chirithy:** Wanna go back to your home planet?

**Noriko:** Do I have a choice?

**Chirithy:** You do not!

**Noriko:** Then we must away, ere break of day. *heads back to Daybreak Town to find their long-forgotten gold*

**Chirithy:** Okay, I gotta see a guy about a thing, so you just kill things till I get back, okay?

**Noriko:** Fine by me.

**Moogle:** Monsters, kupo! In my shop, kupo! Help me, kupo!

**Noriko:** On it, kupo. *murders everything*

**Moogle:** Okay, kupo, now the streets, kupo.

**Noriko:** I gotta do everything around here, kupo.

**Chirithy:** Oh good, you found me. So I looked into the Darkball shit and for some reason they're more commonly found on Olympus Coliseum. GUESS WHERE WE'RE GOING NEXT.

**Noriko:** Of _course_ they put that into this game. Tell me there isn't any tournament bullshit.

**Chirithy:** Oh but there is! And honestly, I have a feeling you're actually gonna like this version.

**Noriko:** Name one reason I should care.

**Chirithy:** Cool outfits and hairstyles.

**Noriko:** ...Okay, I'm in.

**Chirithy:** Also if we visit this planet you'll get the Olympia Keyblade.

**Noriko:** Hey that one's all right. Okay, let's do this. *goes to Olympus*

**Phil:** All right, 'bout time you showed up. You nearly missed your chance to sign up! *comes outside the vestibule* Oh wait, wrong guy. Why do I keep doing that. Anyway, get outta here, this ain't the place for kids!

**Noriko:** OKAY. *turns to leave*

**Hercules:** *comes careening to a stop in front of them*

**Phil:** Ah, the person I was _actually_ waiting for is here.

**Hercules:** Sorry I'm late, I had to pet my pretty flying horsie.

**Noriko:** …

**Hercules:** HE'S JUST SO FLUFFY.

**Noriko:** ...Okay that checks out.

**Hercules:** Who's this clown?

**Phil:** Pfft, I don't fucking know.

**Hercules:** *takes a real close look at Noriko*

**Noriko:** ...Hello, welcome to my personal space, how can I help you.

**Hercules:** Yup, this random stranger I just stared at creepily should totally participate in our stupid bullshit.

**Phil:** Hmm, let me think about—no. 'Cause even if I felt like indulging you — which I don't — tournament's booked solid. She _can't_ participate.

**Hercules:** Fine, then I won't fight.

**Phil:** Surely you can't be serious!

**Hercules:** I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

**Phil:** But I thought you wanted to be a true hero!

**Hercules:** *goes up to Phil* If I _really_ wanted to be a true hero, this section would be following the plot of the fucking movie. And even then it would be implied that I already did that shit.

**Phil:** This is true. Fine, see you I guess.

**Hercules:** OKAY BYEEE! *peaces out*

**Phil:** All righty then, you now have no choice but to take part in our bullshit.

**Noriko:** Great. *kills random Heartless outside for no real reason other than they're there*

**Phil:** Stop that and fight them where I can profit on it.

**Noriko:** How, there aren't ever any spectators at these things.

**Phil:** Shut up and do preliminary rounds so we can add more quests so as to artificially lengthen the game.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *starts*

**Phil:** Keep at it!

**Noriko:** Mm-hmm.

**Phil:** Throwin' a fast one at ya!

**Noriko:** Sure you are. *goes through a bunch of matches*

**Phil:** No but this next one's really gonna be tough, though.

**Noriko:** That's fine, I've finally given up on maxing out quests in this game until I get stronger.

**Phil:** Beat this Defender and you can play in the monthly Coliseum shit.

**Noriko:** Shit, Defenders are actually pretty tough...nailed it!

**Phil:** Great job, kid! I had complete faith in you this whole time!

**Noriko:** No you didn't.

**Phil:** No I didn't.

**Chirithy:** Yay, you did a thing so you can do more things! Except now you have to go back to Agrabah.

**Noriko:** In a sec, I wanna try this shit. *starts too late and is too weak to get the entire Moogle outfit; does rock the wings though* Boy can I not wait to wake up at fucking two in the morning on the first day of each month to get as far as I can in each tournament before giving up until the next month, and for that to utterly wreck my sleep schedule once I quit as I become convinced that I forgot something which makes me anxious enough to stay awake for hours before I need to be up. Okay, it was back to Agrabah next, right? Let's go. *goes*

**Guard A:** Hey, you haven't seen a scoundrel named Aladdin, have you? He's a thief who every day robs from the common folk. Bread, laundry off of clotheslines, and even watermelons. We try to catch him, but he's always one jump ahead.

**Noriko:** ...I see.

**Guard A:** Rumor has it that this time he broke into a merchant's house and stole five golden medals. That little thief is nothing but a street rat. He must be hiding around here somewhere.

**Noriko:** I am sad now.

**Guard A:** If you see him, you tell one of us guards, got it? Good.

**Noriko:** ...There are a few sides to most stories. Imma talk to the guy himself.

**Guard A:** No but where is he though.

**Guard B:** He couldn't've gotten far. He must be hiding in one of the buildings around here.

**Noriko:** Doesn't look like it, actually.

**Guard B:** Check the desert, then.

**Noriko:** YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! *goes anyway*

**Guard B:** *barely goes into the desert* WELL WE TRIED.

**Noriko:** *destroys some monsters around Agrabah again*

**Aladdin:** YAY YOU FOUND ME! Now shut up about it, the guards are after me for no good reason.

**Noriko:** Didn't you steal some shit?

**Aladdin:** ...Well yes, but not _this_ shit. Help me clear my name?

**Noriko:** ...I mean, I guess...

**Aladdin:** Admittedly you'll have to do all the work while I hide...

**Noriko:** I immediately like this plan a whole lot less.

**Guard A:** Hey, I know you were talking to the street rat literally around the corner of where I'm standing and therefore probably within earshot of my face, but let me know if you see anything, okay?

**Noriko:** Oh if only you had the ability to take five fucking steps forward.

**Guard B:** Also, in addition to searching for Agrabah's most wanted, you have to kill monsters now.

**Noriko:** You mean that thing I've been doing this whole time?

**Guard B:** Okay great.

**Aladdin:** *singing* _Working together...solving the problems...It's gonna be fun when we solve science..._

**Noriko:** It doesn't feel like I'm moving too far beyond the same small area of this planet...

**Aladdin:** Look, something shiny!

**Noriko:** WHERE?!

**Aladdin:** Hey, one of the things I didn't steal! Imma steal it!

**Noriko:** So there's four left for you to find.

**Aladdin:** What? You'll help me find the rest?

**Noriko:** I NEVER AGREED TO THAT!

**Aladdin:** Awesome. You go that way. I'll go home.

**Noriko:** I understood that reference.

**Aladdin:** While you were out murdering shit, I found another thingy-thing.

**Noriko:** I don't know if I did or not.

**Aladdin:** One plus two equals four, right? Just one more, probably guarded by a real big and strong guy. I psychically know it's in the desert so let's go.

**Noriko:** Hurg.

**Aladdin:** Y'all ready for this?

**Noriko:** Whatever.

**Aladdin:** Welp, it's not this guy you just murdered. Must be some other guy you have yet to murder.

**Noriko:** You know you could help, right?

**Aladdin:** Enh...naaaah. *several quests later* Found you, you fucking thief!

**Bag o' jewels:** Pot meet kettle much?

**Noriko:** *yawns widely as she kills it*

**Aladdin:** Awesome, got all the medals. Now, take 'em back for me.

**Noriko:** Dine on a dong.

**Aladdin:** We going back or what?

**Noriko:** I...I'm gonna...punch your face.

**Aladdin:** *huge yawn* Man, what a day.

**Noriko:** I'm gonna kill you.

**Aladdin:** We're almost there! I can feel it!

**Noriko:** Every moment I live is agony.

**Aladdin:** Well the city's right over there, so...

**Noriko:** OH THANK MERLIN. Speaking of, I should get more medals of him at some point.

**Guard A:** The medals! So _you_ were the thief!

**Noriko:** No, it was the monsters.

**Guard A:** Monsters? *look of realization* They look like monsters to you?

**Noriko:** I appreciate that reference super hard and...frankly, yes.

~I mean, we _know_ we've been fighting the remnants of people this entire franchise, that is in no way a plot twist whatsoever.~


	4. Problematic Content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **My 30th birthday was on Juneteenth and guess who only just learned what Juneteenth was or that it was a thing in the first place the week leading up to it** _**this year:**_ A Very Potter Musical, _Silent Hill 2, Fables,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel and the Super Best Friendcast, _Monty Python's Holy Grail, Harry Potter, Buckaroo Banzai, Firefly, One Piece, The Hobbit,_ My Immortal, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Man do we suddenly get around in these quests...~

**Chirithy:** Now that those quests are over, it's to the Dwarf Woodlands for reasons!

**Noriko:** I need a vacation. *goes anyway*

**Chirithy:** Hey, you know the shit about the dwarves being trapped in the mines or whatever? GUESS WHAT THESE UPCOMING QUESTS'LL BE ABOUT!

**Noriko:** Joy.

**Chirithy:** It's that way.

**Noriko:** I FUCKING KNOW, YOU BITCH! *meets Grumpy in the mines eventually*

**Grumpy:** Oh great, you again. You wanna save those losers for me, they're over there maybe. Also monsters.

**Noriko:** Figures.

**Grumpy:** That's what I was gonna say!

**Noriko:** *bursts into song*  
 _I never met someone—_

**Grumpy and Noriko:** *sings in unison*  
 _—who thinks so much like me._  
Jinx.  
Jinx again!

**Sleepy:** Aww, a lullaby, thanks.

**Grumpy:** Okay, get to work.

**Noriko:** Sir yes sir!

**Sleepy:** Wait how did Grumpy get ahead of you.

**Noriko:** I'm not entirely sure.

**Grumpy:** I think I FOUND someone!

**Noriko:** Let _me_ check; after all, Hufflepuffs are particularly good FINDers.

**Sleepy:** What the hell is a Hufflepuff.

**Noriko:** No one really cares anymore, don't worry about it. Oh hey, Sneezy and Dopey!

**Sneezy:** I'm gonna sneeze! That's my gimmick!

**Dopey:** No you're not.

**Sneezy:** Yes I am.

**Grumpy:** Sneezy and Dopey, what're _you_ doing here?!

**Dopey:** *hops around like an idiot*

**Grumpy:** Boy did I not miss you.

**Dopey:** *runs off*

**Grumpy:** You too, snot-face.

**Sneezy:** That's mean! *sneezes again and leaves with Grumpy*

**Chirithy:** Excellent. Everything is going according to plan. Also there's a bad, we should stop the bad.

**Noriko:** Why're we even bothering at this point...

**Chirithy:** Because standard KH shenaniganry is about to reintroduce itself into the plot!

**Noriko:** Oh good, I missed that. *immediately heads off to the Dark Forest section of the Dwarf Woodlands and eventually comes across Snow White getting menaced by a Candy Apple. That sounds terrible out of context* Aw _HELL_ no! *takes it out and saves the princess 'cause I'm so big and strong*

**Snow White:** I'm pissin' all over.

**Noriko:** Maybe stop, then?

**Snow White:** No, I'm SUPER scared of the dark.

**Noriko:** Don't worry, I got this huge sword.

**Snow White:** That sword is indeed quite huge. Take me into your big, beefy arms.

**Noriko:** Fuck no, you're only fourteen and I have no clue how old I am!

**Snow White:** Well I'm eligible marrying age, so...

**Noriko:** Gross. Also it'd never work, babe, I'm from another planet and don't do long distance. Also I'm aro ace so there's no interest to be had anyway.

**Snow White:** That's fair. I'm Snow White, by the way.

**Noriko:** Yes I know who you are.

**Snow White:** Cool. Now where the fuck do I go from here. *runs off*

**Chirithy:** Hey, remember the whole Princesses of Light thing? THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW!

**Noriko:** Oh right, this is fucking Kingdom Hearts.

**Chirithy:** It sure is. So protect her at any cost, got it?

**Noriko:** No prob. Now then...where the fuck did she go.

**Snow White:** LOUD SQUEALING.

**Noriko:** Found her.

**Snow White:** There appears to be a metric fuckton of monsters.

**Noriko:** There was a WIBBLE WOBBLE here. It's gone now.

**Snow White:** Dude that was hype. So I'm a scared little poo-baby, so would you mind coming with?

**Noriko:** Sure. _This_ kind of story bullshit is the kind I came for.

**Snow White:** Please don't leave me alone!

**Noriko:** ...I mean, I kinda have to move in order to butcher those monsters, so if you could just move so as to follow me—

**Snow White:** Please don't leave me alone!

**Noriko:** Sometimes I hate this game.

**Snow White:** So many spooky spooks.

**Noriko:** Sure are.

**Snow White:** There's a clearing up ahead.

**Noriko:** Is that what that is?

**Snow White:** Look, a house! Time to home-invade!

**Noriko:** Maybe I should tell her that seven creepy old guys live here so she can avoid a possible _Fables_ disaster... _Naaaah._

**Snow White:** My 1930s housewife impulses are warring with my human need to sleep.

**Chirithy:** Okay, we just helped a fourteen-year-old child break into someone else's home! Time to save the creepy old dudes who actually own the place!

**Noriko:** I see nothing wrong with any of these choices! *heads back into the mines and eventually runs into everyone but Bashful*

**Doc:** Hey we can't find Bashful.

**Noriko:** And you need me to find him for you.

**Happy:** Basically.

**Dopey:** *jumps up and down in excitement*

**Sneezy:** Yes, we're glad he's gone too, but we still gotta find him.

**Sleepy:** We don't really wanna try too hard, tough.

**Doc:** So you go do it for us, shitlord — I mean helpful person.

**Grumpy:** Just do it. Just do it you wimp. Also I use a singular they to address you, probably to make swapping dialogue easier.

**Noriko:** … *stands there for a long time* ...Think I just figured some things out about myself...

**Doc:** Shut up with this liberal PC bullshit and use your Keyblade to move boulders already, after which that feature will never be used to drastically alter the environment again.

**Noriko:** That's not how the Force works! *does it anyway somehow* Also fuck you.

**Bashful:** Llllllladies?

**Grumpy:** Okay we got him let's go.

**Doc:** No, we have to put up a concerned facade first.

**Happy:** Yes, we should do this.

**Dopey:** *doing the dance of joy the whole time*

**Sleepy:** I'm too tired for this, let's just go.

**Sneezy:** Ah-ah-agreed.

**Bashful:** Never mind that, who's the hottie?

**Grumpy:** They saved your ass so we would shut up.

**Doc:** 'Kay thanks bye. Heh just kidding, you have to escort us out now.

**Happy:** Oh I'm so overjoyed!

**Sleepy:** Can you carry me in your big strong arms?

**Grumpy:** I'm gonna throw up.

**Noriko:** Yeeeeaah, I'm just gonna head out, you can follow me if you want I guess but I'm gonna go...

**First ever weekend raid boss event, at least that I was aware of at the time:** *happens*

**Noriko:** This is new. I think. *really only went into other party member's fights because learning game mechanics is hard sometimes*

**One of my party members:** *complained about how weak we were and how it only gave out lux and nothing else special*

**Noriko:** *went from level 102 to 124 in a single day* Oh yeah, that was _totally_ worthless. *instantly put on an Organization XIII cloak over the Moogle wings, taking off the Mickey ears and brushing back the grey Naminé hair before getting back to shit*

**Sleepy:** Me tired.

**Noriko:** Me too, actually, those kinds of raid bosses are a bit tedious after a while.

**Doc:** Me five.

**Grumpy:** Three, ya fuck.

**Doc:** Three.

**Noriko:** Hey, the time of day changed for the first time since I've been on this planet.

**Doc:** TIMING! Also there's something in our house now. Murder first, ask questions later, amirite?

**Noriko:** Uh...

**Grumpy:** Hey, get outta here, we don't need ya for this one, this freakazoid looks weak as shit.

**Doc:** No, we still need them.

**Sleepy:** For reasons.

**Happy:** Those reasons being that we're lazy pieces of shit.

**Sneezy:** Even just for this.

**Bashful:** I just like watching you get all sweaty.

**Doc:** ...He doesn't speak for the rest of us, but will you still do the thing?

**Noriko:** Sure, if something's gonna hurt the girl that I didn't tell you about, I should definitely take care of it for her sake.

**Doc:** I knew we could con ya — er, get you to help us.

**All seven dwarves:** *line up and file inside*

**One of them:** ...I think we may have overreacted.

**Another one:** What's going on, I can't see shit.

**Another other one:** Well I just felt tits, so...

**Noriko:** SHE. IS. FOURTEEN.

**Another other one:** Eligible marrying age, yes.

**Noriko:** Gross.

**Doc:** We apologize for accidentally feeling you up, but the lights were out and we legit couldn't see shit.

**Grumpy:** I demand that you leave at once, bitch! You are breaking and entering!

**Snow White:** I'm homeless though. Also I'm a wanted fugitive.

**Sneezy:** Why?

**Snow White:** Well the queen's mother wanted her to marry into royalty but she wanted to marry the stable boy and I kind of accidentally snitched on her because I didn’t understand what was going on so her mother ended up killing the stable boy — I mean she’s super jelly because I’m hotter than she is.

**Grumpy:** What a shit.

**Snow White:** Yeah, so I figure if I hide out in a place she wouldn't expect...Also I'll work for room and board.

**Sneezy:** Can you cook and clean?

**Doc:** And essentially be the perfect image a 1930s housewife should be?

**Snow White:** Well what other purpose can a woman possibly serve?

**Noriko:** *clutches Keyblade so tightly the hand holding it starts to bleed*

**Happy:** Aw yeah, let's do this shit!

**Snow White:** Okey-dokey, let's get this show on the road!

**Chirithy:** *watches the happy pretty lights from inside the cottage at night from their and Noriko's place outside* It's fine, not like I wanted to be invited anyway...

**Noriko:** For some reason I don't feel like I have any friends. Maybe I'm only doing all this stupid bullshit for all these random strangers because I'm just desperately craving acceptance from those around me, even though I have no backstory to make this feeling have any merit.

**Chirithy:** Hey, hey, look at me. There's something you need to understand.

**Noriko:** Yeah?

**Chirithy:** No matter where you go, there you are.

**Noriko:** …

**Chirithy:** Also the usual bullshit about everyone's heart being connected or whatever. *disappears*

**Noriko:** Uh-huh. *returns to Daybreak Town and meets up with Chirithy by the fountain*

**Chirithy:** 'Sup, nerd. Way to not suck so far! I can now give you a shiny that you can power up by maximizing the guilt on your medals! *gives Noriko a power bangle*

**Noriko:** ...What's it do?

**Chirithy:** Gives you a free attack-all-enemies hit once per quest, SP free. It has nothing to do with the darkness, I swear, why would I lie.

**Noriko:** That is legit useful. Why am I depressed.

**Chirithy:** 'Cause it's a little confusing at first and frankly you'll fuck up your chance to completely max out the dots on your Mowgli And Friends medal to get an extra point on your Nova attack for some time. Not to mention that the only way to increase your Nova attack is by getting more medals and maxing them out and you can really only do that more quickly, possibly at all, if you buy shit with real moneys. This is of course assuming that you get the ones you want and not a bunch of repeats because each one is random and the ones you want are usually incredibly rare, but each banner costs so much that it's really not worth wasting jewels on _unless_ you buy shit with real moneys. To spend on slots. The banners are fucking slots.

**Noriko:** And here we fucking go. It _has_ been a few chapters...

**Woolie:** According to venturebeat.com, “0.15% of mobile games—”

**Liam:** That's not the original source, is it?

**Woolie:** Yes it is, “account for 50% of in-game revenue on mobile.”

**Matt:** IT'S LOW.

**Pat:** It's a tenth of a percent, or a little higher than a tenth of a percent.

**Woolie:** The point is that you and all your friends, a number of that many people, are paying for all of the mobile in-game purchase market.

**Pat:** It's the kind of thing where you say like, you know, this app goes out to a hundred thousand people, and it's like ten people can make that game profitable, because they're spending so much money on it. Now, when I saw that news, I got really really really really pissed off, because, we've talked a _lot_ about “free-to-play” methods, like we just were, about how they're gross, and how they're predatory, and how they're just — they're _bad,_ right? And then now that I see the data, that it's not even one percent of people are the ones spending _almost all_ the money in the fucking business, I look at the fact that one percent of people in the United States, and part of probably Canada but I don't have the data on it, have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Two to five percent of people in North America suffer from issues that can be construed as gambling addictions. So, when I look at this data, I bet, I bet anything, that those numbers are higher for people who play games than there would for the otherwise normal populace.

**Liam:** Staggering parallels.

**Pat:** So the foregone conclusion is that free-to play cellphone games, and to a lesser extent PC games, have basically re-invented the gambling rackets, in a situation that has _no_ regulation, at _all,_ and is basically basing their _entire_ business model off of addicts.

**Liam:** I saw this one thing from this Chinese company, I can't remember the name of the game, where they celebrated when they got their first thousand dollar whale.

**Pat:** Ugh.

**Liam:** And when I saw that...

**Woolie:** Wow.

**Liam:** That's disgusting. _Disgusting._

**Pat:** Good job, you created a cigarette-smoker.

**Woolie:** Right? I'm sure that guy feels great.

**Matt:** Pat yourself on the back.

**Noriko:** Why am I playing this game again, I knew going in that it's predatory garbage.

**Chirithy:** Meh, you'll get over yourself eventually. And all I ask in return is that you keep that murder boner of yours nice and erect.

**Noriko:** Oh that won't be a problem.

**Chirithy:** All according to keikaku. *disappears*

**Different Chirithy:** *enters the area* What the fuck just happened.

**Noriko:** I will not notice you at all and will now go to Wonderland for no real reason.

**Chirithy:** *in Wonderland* Yo where that bitch Alice at.

**Noriko:** Iunno.

**Chirithy:** Well go get confused by the Cheshire Cat or something.

**Noriko:** I'm pretty sure this is my least favorite planet in every single game it's in. *slaughters everything all the way through Wonderland*

**White Rabbit:** I don't care in the slightest about the hoards of monsters running around my yard, I'm still late for some unspecified thing.

**Noriko:** You should look into a time management course, or possibly an alarm of some kind.

**Chirithy:** I can't find shit.

**Noriko:** Don't worry, I stumbled across him by going through the same few areas over and over.

**Cheshire Cat:** Yeah I don't know where Alice is either, that bitch is _fast._

**Noriko:** *deadpan* Ahhh, monsters.

**Cheshire Cat:** Yep, and apparently we're heading closer and closer to the part of the storyline where we include the queen.

**Noriko:** Oh boy. I can't wait.

**Cheshire Cat:** You ever think Alice _wants_ to be left alone, and that's why she keeps running away?

**Noriko:** Look, she's developing some really bad habits that I need to curb before they get out of hand.

**Cheshire Cat:** Fine, she's in a place called the Curious Room, which may or may not be the same thing as the Bizarre Room from the first game. Backtrack to the Doorknob, he'll help you out.

**Noriko:** Shiny.

**Chirithy:** Doorknob's through there.

**Noriko:** ...I know?

**Game devs:** *at some point in August* ...Fuck it, it's too hot for this shit, every quest is free now, no AP required, do whatever.

**Noriko:** Time to switch things up a little. *swaps the Moogle wings for a Straw Hat for the sake of pretending to be a Straw Hat*

**Doorknob:** WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER. Oh, you're looking for Alice?

**Noriko:** I didn't say anything—

**Doorknob:** She's through there.

**Noriko:** Thanks?

**Alice:** Help me, I'm exploding.

**Noriko:** Don't worry, I'll save this princess...who's not a princess, _damsel,_ that's the word I wanted, I'm saving a damsel in distress, not a princess, I don't know why I said that.

**Alice:** Actually—

**Noriko:** Shut up and let me fight these guys.

**Alice:** Okay, the Doorknob needs his beauty sleep, after all.

**Noriko:** ...Yes, that is the only reason I should be killing these things.

**Alice:** Well how else will they listen to reason?

**Noriko:** You're a fucking psycho, you know that? *tramples everything in her path*

**Alice:** Oh, thank you! I hope those rude little monsters learned their lesson.

**Noriko:** Well they're all dead, so I kind of doubt it...

**Alice:** Doorknob go nap-naps now! *goes running back to said Doorknob*

**Doorknob:** Everyone seems to have shut the fuck up. Huzzah.

**Alice:** Stop! Stop, we have to turn around.

**Noriko:** Whatever for?

**Alice:** I forgot my handkerchief.

**Noriko:** … *tears a piece off of the Organization Cloak* Use this. *throws it at her*

**Alice:** Nope, this is what we're focusing on now.

**Noriko:** *throws the tablet across the room*

**Fortress Crab raid boss:** *comes back for the weekend with double lux the whole day*

**Noriko:** Okay _now_ I know what I'm doing. Ish. *gets from level 158 to 210 in the space of a day, but doesn't try to tackle it again the next day because not only was there severe burnout out the day before but also because gaining levels after 200 takes a fucking long time*

**Other people in party:** *are also wearing Organization XIII cloaks after that. IT'S ALMOST AS IF GAINING A FUCKTON OF LUX IN ONE WEEKEND MAKES GETTING UP TO LEVEL 112 REALLY FUCKING EASY*

**Noriko:** *puts the Moogle wings back on as well as Jasmine's headband on the now long grey hair* Heh, describing my outfits all the time like this makes kinda sounds a little My Immortal-esque, but only prps ad posrs wold complin abot sugn aht thinlg aniway if oly rhey wold sop flmming why did I just lose my ability to spell.

**Alice:** FOUND IT! Now it's back to stalking Mr. Rabbit!

**Noriko:** AGAIN, _WHY AM I ENABLING THIS FUCKERY._

**Alice:** So when do we play hide and seek?

**Noriko:** Fuck, forgot you were seven.

**Alice:** Seven and a _half._

**Noriko:** Fuck you.

**Alice:** I wonder if Mr. Rabbit is done getting dressed yet. I wish I could watch...

**Noriko:** *pauses the slaughter to vomit*

**Alice:** I'm going in. Thanks for spending so much time with me!

**Noriko:** Believe me, it wasn't by choice.

**Chirithy:** Yeah let's cut this short, you're needed back home anyway.

**Noriko:** M'kay. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

~Can't believe how long it took me to make _that_ fucking reference...~


	5. Hallways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Fuck TERFs:** _Silent Hill, Kill la Kill,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, The Princess Bride,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Oh hey, original NPCs that will end up being useless and no one will ever care about any of them!~

**Noriko:** *goes back to Daybreak Town and immediately runs into three other random NPCs dressed as plainly as possible as if they just started the game with the most basic of avatar choices*

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** Well, well. Another wielder.

**Noriko:** Since none of us have voice actors, I immediately read you as an asshole.

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** Nah, it's cool. There's some new Heartless aboot.

**Noriko:** I know?

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** They're super tough, though.

**Noriko:** Huh boy.

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** We're thinking of splitting up and taking them out on our own. You know, like you've been doing this whole time so there'll be no change for you.

**Noriko:** G-Great.

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** Okay see ya! *leaves with Pink Mohawk Boy and Short Grey Haired Girl*

**Noriko:** Oh, Neoshadows. Neat.

**Pink Mohawk Boy:** Tough, amirite?

**Noriko:** Mildly challenging, I'd say.

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** I see you got this area covered. Awesome, now I don't have to do shit.

**Noriko:** I knew I didn't like you.

**Moogle:** KILL THESE FUCKERS, KUPO!

**Noriko:** Finally something I can agree with, kupo.

**Short Grey Haired Girl:** Fuck did these losers come from, anyway.

**Noriko:** You're asking me?

~Exactly how hard is it to give people names, especially if you expect us to care about them.~

**Chirithy:** *off by themself* Hi, Chirithy.

**Different Chirithy:** Hi, Chirithy.

**Chirithy:** Y'ever think we should have different names so we can tell each other apart?

**Different Chirithy:** Enh...naaaah. The only me is me. Are you sure the only you is you?

**Chirithy:** Whatever, how's your person doing?

**Different Chirithy:** Apathetic as fuck.

**Chirithy:** Well. That's no good.

**Different Chirithy:** Yeah, maybe I should've explained things more than not at all.

**Chirithy:** Yeah, I should probably get on that myself. I mean I gave a _bit_ of a summary, but...

**Different Chirithy:** Now I'm worried about our entire Union falling apart because of one fuck-up.

**Chirithy:** I don't know about falling apart. Gaining a bad rep, maybe.

~This is the original content I claimed to want and yet I'm bored anyway. Always a good sign.~

**Noriko:** Wonder what Chirithy's doing right now. *continues the daily slaughter*

**Short Grey Haired Girl:** This particular area seems to've been taken over by Silent Hill, it's so foggy.

**Noriko:** Oh, you're still here, are you?

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** *bursts into song*  
 _Don't lose your waaay..._

**Moogle:** Fucking Heartless stealing our jobs, kupo...

**Noriko:** And just like that I don't like you again.

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** I've taken care of the ones around here.

**Noriko:** … *looks around at the group of six Heartless directly to Brown Haired Ponytail Boy's right and slow-claps*

**Brown Haired Ponytail Boy:** You good here? Cool, I'll do nothing somewhere else.

**Noriko:** Great...

**(Different?) Chirithy:** Hey, you know how that guy told you he'd meet up with you once you were done for the day?

**Noriko:** ...Maybe?

**(Different?) Chirithy:** Well he's not. OKAY BYEEE! *vanishes*

**Noriko:** ...Well now I feel sad and alone. Also was that even my Chirithy.

~For a moment I thought I'd missed the upcoming thing with Ephemer somehow.~

**Chirithy:** *comes across a different Chirithy prone on the ground*

**Different Chirithy:** 'Sup nerd.

**Chirithy:** ARE YOU OKAY?

**Different Chirithy:** Oh, you know. My wielder disappeared into darkness, so...

**Chirithy:** ...Shit.

**Different Chirithy:** Wonder if I'll die from this.

**Chirithy:** Pretty sure, yeah.

**Different Chirithy:** ...WELL THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL BETTER, YA FUCK. *fades away*

**Master Ava:** *portals in* Holy shit everyone's doing so well with the lux collecting, at least until they max out their levels and then what would be the point aside from ranking and the very occasional prizes. Buuuut they still suck shit compared to what's coming.

**Chirithy:** Then we've already stared on the traitor plot thing?

**Master Ava:** I honestly don't believe there ever was a traitor, not really. I think that the very idea of there being a traitor is going to be the ultimate cause of the upcoming war.

**Chirithy:** Probably. *goes back to see Noriko...if that one that was just talking to Ava was indeed Noriko's Chirithy...* Hey, good job with the constant blood on your hands! C'mon, let's head back to Agrabah because I said so!

**Noriko:** Why the hell not, ain't nothin' keeping me here. *goes back to Agrabah*

**Guard B:** So it's still dangerous as fuck but we still want to help out the nonexistent people of the city. You're super competent, mind helping out?

**Noriko:** When you put it like that, not in the slightest.

**Guard B:** Also there are monsters in this one specific area.

**Noriko:** On it.

**Guard A:** Hey, thanks for the help, bro.

**Noriko:** No prob...Huh, even though I'm presenting as female I don't mind being called “bro” in the slightest. That's good to know, actually...

**Guard A:** You're doing great, but we can't let an immigrant take all our jobs.

**Noriko:** Oh for fuck's sake.

**Guard A:** Time for me to do some work, too! *stands around uselessly while Noriko does literally everything* Aw yeah, I'm the best!

**Noriko:** Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch.

**Guard A:** What _are_ all these monsters doing here, anyway?

**Noriko:** I'd explain to you but you're pissing me off and I don't feel like it.

**Guard A:** Word of advice: Don't die.

**Noriko:** As always, you've been a huge help.

**Guard A:** Almost there, I think.

**Noriko:** We better be.

**Guard A:** And apparently we were looking for possessors this whole time.

**Noriko:** Oh cool, I like that breed or whatever. *takes them out with extreme prejudice and is teleported back to basically the police station in Agrabah* OH THANK MERLIN I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK.

**Guard B:** Conglaturations on doing the thing good!

**Noriko:** Yaaay I'm done. Why am I still in Agrabah.

**Guard B:** 'Cause we got another job for you. This time some idiot couldn't hold onto their shit and it blew away in the wind.

**Noriko:** Fucking...fine.

**Guard B:** Oh, you wanna help me?

**Noriko:** Even though I know I'll be doing it for you? Sure, fine, whatever.

**Guard B:** Works for me! Less go!

**Noriko:** Fuck you in the face forever.

**Aladdin:** I'm here now, too! And I'm so happy to hear that you're helping the guards out with monster bullshit so that I can continue to raid and pillage the city in peace!

**Noriko:** Why do people like you again?

**Guard B:** This is gonna take five-ever. In the meantime, I too would like to know where these monsters came from.

**Noriko:** Well you're way nicer so I don't mind telling you. These monsters used to be people who succumbed to the darkness inside their hearts. When I kill them, I'm releasing their hearts so that, if they don't have a corresponding Nobody, I am essentially bringing said people back to life.

**Guard B:** Huh. Weird. Anyway, the sun's setting. Shit's gonna be super cold and creepy soon.

**Noriko:** Noted. *next quest takes place during bright daylight* … *slow clap*

**Guard B:** Shut up and accept my compliments of a job well done. Also we've somehow gotten all that dude's shit back.

**Noriko:** Awesome. Why aren't we instantly teleporting back to the city.

**Guard B:** We should go back to the city.

**Noriko:** ...You are doing a fine job, Shitlord.

**Guard B:** We're almost there. Come on!

**Noriko:** So when did we actually do the thing, anyway?

**Guard B:** I think I picked up that dude's shit when you were killing things.

**Noriko:** Ah.

**Guard B:** Anything else we gotta do?

**Guard A:** KILL EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!

**Noriko:** Well it's the only thing I'm good at, so...

**Guard A:** Awesome, let's go.

**Aladdin:** I'm going to stand around and not do anything to help, too!

**Noriko:** Fantabulous.

**Guard B:** They're in some random building. Go get 'em, I'll be guarding the royalty that also doesn't exist, or at least won't until Union.

**Guard A:** They're not getting past me!

**Noriko:** *fights an Armored Archer that got past him*

**Aladdin:** Hey, the city's not a huge pile of rubble. Good job I guess.

**Guard A:** Yay we did the thing.

**Noriko:** _I_ did the thing, you fuck.

**Guard A:** Yay we did the thing.

**Noriko:** Get the fuck me out of here.

**Chirithy:** Aaaaaand next planet.

**Noriko:** Thank Merlin. *goes to Dwarf Woodlands again*

**Doc:** Hey, we're all sorts of fucked up here.

**Happy:** 'Cause Dopey's such an incompetent piece of shit.

**Grumpy:** I'm gonna kill everybody and then myself.

**Noriko:** I will find your key for you instead of just using this magical key that can open anything, shall I?

**Happy:** Gee, that sure would be swell!

**Grumpy:** I'm gonna kill everybody and then myself.

**Doc:** Aaaand we found it in two seconds. You came here for no reason, good job.

**Grumpy:** I'm gonna kill everybody and then myself. They're all gonna thank me.

**Noriko:** Well good, I'm glad that there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to stick around.

~Apart from the movie plot finally happening, anyway.~

**Evil Queen:** So am I the hottest yet?

**Magic Mirror:** NOPE!

**Evil Queen:** ...But that bitch's dead, though. I have her heart and everything.

**Magic Mirror:** The movie has someone cut out an animal's heart and put it in a box for you to eat. Either the notion that animation's only for kids has always been bullshit or kids from the 1930s were way more hardcore.

**Evil Queen:** Welp, time to kill my father to enact a curse upon the entire Enchanted Forest.

**Magic Mirror:** Or you could try disguising yourself first, just to check shit out?

**Evil Queen:** Good point...I've got it! I'll make myself an ugly-ass old crone with no way of knowing whether or not the potion is reversable!

**Magic Mirror:** ...I mean I guess that works...

~It's only recently that I've wondered if the potion was reversible; she lives for so short a time after she takes it anyway that I've never thought about it until I started writing these things.~

**Evil Queen:** I'm an old woman with a poisoned apple now, forget the other two methods I was meant to have tried first. Here's hoping that no one'll be able to perform true love's kiss, since the only dude she ever met was for the space of like two minutes. Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh...

~Considering that this was the first Disney animated feature and possibly the first time this was a thing in film, I'll give her a pass for not knowing about this trope since it may not have been a well-known trope yet.~

**Sleepy:** Yaaaawn...I sure hope the plot happens soon, I don't care what it is as long as it's something of actual importance...

**Doc:** *bursts into song*  
 _High ho, high ho, this job, it fucking blows..._

**Bashful:** I'll be real embarrassed if you have to dig us outta here again.

**Doc:** Okay, everyone back to work like nothing of importance is about to occur!

**Noriko:** You guys have fun, I'm gonna check on the fourteen-year-old left alone and out of her element in a strange environment. *backtracks to the cottage*

**Snow White:** Isn't it a beautiful day where nothing could ever go wrong ever? I thought I'd gather some wood for the fireplace.

**Noriko:** Staying warm's a legit reason to need to leave the house. Allow me to accompany you.

**Snow White:** There're monsters everywhere. Please don't fuck up and die. I would be really mad if you fuck up and die.

**Noriko:** Aww, that's real sweet of you.

**Snow White:** So there wasn't any wood to be found on the edge of the forest. Maybe there'll be some wood _inside_ the forest!

**Noriko:** ...I'm sure on some planet your style is quite impressive, but your weak link is: This is Earth.

**Snow White:** Is it, though?

**Noriko:** ...Huh.

**Snow White:** Now shut up, I got everything and now I must cook things like a goodly housewife.

**Noriko:** Ah, 1937. Never change. Oh wait, no, please change. Please for the love of Merlin change.

**Snow White:** So they've been gone for a very long time. Mind going and getting them for me so I'm completely alone with no one to tell me not to be an idiot at a crucial moment?

**Noriko:** That was weirdly specific, but sure, what could possibly go wrong? *leaves for the mines again*

**Sleepy:** Good timing, we fucked up again.

**Happy:** Meh, it's not like anything important's about to happen at home.

**Doc:** Good timing, Noriko! Wanna help get us outta this yet again?

**Noriko:** Of course not, this isn't getting tedious at all!

**Doc:** That's the spirit!

**Grumpy:** I would give literally anything for something else to happen instead.

**Happy:** I agree, surprisingly.

**Bashful:** Just get us through here and we're out, looks like.

**Noriko:** Got it.

**Doc:** Awesome, now we can go home to Snow White, with nothing else happening. At all. Ever.

**Noriko:** I agree with this statement. *exits first*

**Chirithy:** HEY DID YOU EVER WATCH THE MOVIE 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW!

**Noriko:** Oh shit.

**Chirithy:** You should probably get on that. *disappears*

**Grumpy:** Yo, what's the holdup?

**Noriko:** I have a sad face.

**Sleepy:** What's that? The queen's got Snow White?

**Noriko:** How the fuck did you know that?

**Doc:** We should do something!

**Noriko:** Should we, though? *runs off with the dwarves*

**Chirithy:** *appears again* Well, I mean, it hasn't happened _yet,_ but by the time you get back it'll be too late anyway...

~This _does_ seem a little more involved than BBS was, which is nice I guess.~

**Evil Queen:** Hey, you know how every single instinct you have is making you back away from me, and every minute bit of body language is telegraphing your mistrust of me? Ignore all that and eat this apple.

**Snow White:** Why? What's so special about it?

**Evil Queen:** Bite into it and you get three wishes.

**Snow White:** That sounds like something out of a different movie.

**Evil Queen:** It's not, don't worry about it.

~Nothing will convince me that Snow wasn't a complete fucking idiot for falling for this.~

**Grumpy:** How 'bout you hurry your ass up.

**Noriko:** I'm actually doing something else right now. *is trying to go through the Coliseum tournament for the month but isn't doing so well, so is ignoring maxing out the quests in favor of speeding all the way through quest 300 to get an Orichalcum so a Keyblade can be leveled up; also takes a huge break except for daily logins and medal shit 'cause this is a lot; also also finally realizes that a lot of avatar boards have a thing that can upgrade the Keyblade cost so you can put more medals on it; is no longer in it just for the cute outfits* I'm wasting my life!

~I'm actually digging the variety they attempt to present to the player to prevent burn-outs. Not that they really worked all that well long-term, but...~

**Snow White:** I still don't know...

**Evil Queen:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Snow White:** Hmm. OKAY! *takes apple* I wish that I, a fourteen-year-old girl who only ever met one man in her life and that was only for like four minutes, could get hitched to that one random stranger before I turn fifteen and become an old maid like this hag.

**Evil Queen:** Well fuck you too.

**Snow White:** Nom. *dies offscreen as usual*

**Evil Queen:** Cute effect with the rolling apple, though I wish the hand fell into frame as well. But who cares, now I'll be fairest in the land! As long as this potion was reversible, shit... *leaves in the rain just as Noriko and the seven dwarves come home*

**Grumpy:** Kill it with fire!

**Evil Queen:** There's a fucking downpour, idiot. *leaves behind Candy and Poisoned Apple Heartless as she flees*

**Noriko:** Go! I'll catch up! *draws Keyblade as dwarves run past*

**Grumpy:** End of the movie, let's go!

**Noriko:** Presumably took care of that particular couple of Heartless offscreen. *follows them*

**Sleepy:** This way!

**Noriko:** Yeah no shit.

**Grumpy:** This way now!

**Noriko:** Here's a thought, how 'bout you contribute something of _use._

**Bashful:** She's over this way!

**Noriko:** THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FUCKING GO, THESE PLANETS ARE JUST GORGEOUSLY DRAWN HALLWAYS.

**Evil Queen:** *standing at the end of the latest hallway with a Wretched Witch Heartless*

**Noriko:** I think I've been here during the weekly evolve medal challenges. *fails to defeat her in one turn* ...I'll be doing this quest again later.

**Chirithy:** You wouldn't have to if you just bought better medals.

**Noriko:** No I think I'll just not do that.

**Chirithy:** Oh no! The folly of the mobile market shows itself!

**Evil Queen:** *sees that her Heartless has been defeated* Oh shit. *runs away*

**Grumpy:** Get her!

**Evil Queen:** *tries to crush them with a boulder*

**Grumpy:** Make sure to stay away so that we, the heroes, can't be accused of killing anyone!

**Lightning:** *can shatter cliffs now*

**Evil Queen:** *falls to her death and presumably gets crushed by the boulder*

**Noriko and the seven dwarves:** ...Huh.

**Dwarves:** *are now gathered around Snow's casket with their hats off*

**Chirithy:** *pops in off to the side with Noriko* ...Not gonna lie, a little surprised that they went out of their way to change the character models like this just for this scene.

**Noriko:** Dude we're at a funeral.

**Chirithy:** Oh, she's only mostly dead. Now mostly dead is _slightly alive._ Now with all dead, there's really only one thing you can do.

**Noriko:** Go through her pockets and look for loose change, I know. Do we need to get Miracle Max up in this bitch?

**Chirithy:** Can't, he doesn't exist on this planet.

**Noriko:** Fuck...What if I use a medal with a Cure spell? I think I have a Minnie, she's got Curaga...

**Chirithy:** Won't work, for reasons.

**Noriko:** That' super dumb.

**Chirithy:** It is. Speaking of dumb, here comes a convenient solution to all our problems. *disappears*

**Charming:** *enters the scene* Oh, the top of the casket's gone, that's super convenient. *walks up to Snow and kisses her*

**Snow White:** *stretches and looks around, seeing Charming* You! You found me!

**Charming:** *smiles* Did you ever doubt I would?

**Snow White:** *sits up* Truthfully? The glass coffin gave me pause! *allows him to pick her up bridal style*

**Dwarves:** *start throwing their hats in the air in celebration*

**Chirithy:** *pops back in* True love's kiss really does solve everything. Also something about their hearts being connected to explain why he chose now to show up.

**Noriko:** That's stupid.

**Chirithy:** Not as stupid as you presumably having the same power.

**Noriko:** Oy vey.

**Dwarf Woodlands title card:** Aww, we're implying that you're done here forever.

**Noriko:** I fucking wish.

~While I do kind of wish there was more reason to revisit worlds in most other games, at least in those games you have a _choice._ ~


	6. Actual Plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey if a person is suffering and you know a type of medical treatment will help them stop suffering and live better why the** _**fuck**_ **would you want to deny them that or leave it as a last resort when you could be helping them** _**right now**_ **(also I started Dark Road it's okay so far):** Dragon Ball Z Abridged, “Here I Come to Save the Day”, _Harry Potter, Berserk,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Star Trek, The Room,_ Pat Stares At, _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Does anyone else find it weird that there's not really any Hercules movie stuff until KHIII?~

**Noriko:** *upgrades Keyblade with the Orichalcum that was just given as a reward for completing a quest, goes through a bunch of tournament shit, and replays some of the quests that had been previously skipped through for a while before heading to Olympus once more*

**Phil:** You cut your hair or something?

**Noriko:** Think I made it grow longer, why?

**Phil:** Well try not to let it get in your face when you fight, yeah?

**Noriko:** Don't worry, my model won't let it. *fights a bunch*

**Phil:** I sure am impressed with your ability to not suck.

**Noriko:** Dude I'm literally just doing the same thing I've been doing since I got this fucking sword thing.

**Phil:** Well you're still doing it pretty good, keep it up.

**Noriko:** Okay I guess.

**Phil:** And now I'm kicking myself for not believing in you in the first place.

**Noriko:** You'd fucking better.

**Phil:** Yeah, yeah, point is I believe in you now.

**Cloud:** Why bother. *walks in, back in his partial Vincent cosplay from the first game please be unlockable in a future remake title this outfit's great if we can get a giant floofy pink dress then why not this* What's the point of it all.

**Phil:** I never did enjoy this interpretation of your character.

**Cloud:** Don't get me wrong, I'm still gonna win, but I'm gonna be very unhappy about it.

**Phil:** _Fuck_ you were so much better in the remake. Also this kid could probably kick your scrawny ass.

**Cloud:** I somehow doubt this.

**Phil:** And I am instantly unsure.

**Noriko:** How 'bout both of you go fuck yourselves.

**Cloud:** Okay. *leaves*

**Phil:** Well now that he's out of the way, how 'bout you get back to murderin' your way to the top, eh?

**Noriko:** I'll kill a couple more dudes, sure.

**Phil:** And what a fine job you're doing. I mean, it's not like you're facing _Herc,_ but still.

**Noriko:** You can also go fuck yourself.

**Phil:** Whatever, go fight more.

**Cloud:** *walks right past them*

**Phil:** I can never read that guy.

**Noriko:** I am suddenly concerned for your well-being.

**Phil:** ... _Why._

**Noriko:** Iunno.

**Phil:** Just go kick his ass already.

**Noriko:** Will do — Oooh, this'll take me some time to max out as well... *defeats Cloud after a few attempts* AH HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I win.

**Phil:** YAAAAAY you won.

**Noriko:** *turns to him* Did you see me win?

**Cloud:** Fuck this. *tries to cut Noriko down from behind*

**Hercules:** *blocks him just in time while singing*  
 _Here I come to save the daaaay!_

**Phil:** TIMING!

**Hercules:** So we shouldn't've done this tournament in the first place.

**Phil:** Why the fuck not?

**Hercules:** You check the fine print?

**Phil:** *pulls a piece of paper out of his ass since where else would he keep it* Oh, here it is. “The winner's gonna fucking die.” Well that's not an ideal prize.

**Hercules:** This must be the work of You-Know-Who!

**Noriko:** Okay who would _want_ to own _Harry Potter_ at this point.

**Hades:** *poofs in* It's only a matter of time before Disney buys out Warner Brothers as well, let's face it.

**Noriko:** And no one will be surprised.

**Hades:** True enough. Also you're right about me setting this whole thing up. The point, of course, was for Hercules over here to get skewered by the Dragon Slayer over there, but as long as some people die I still got a job, you know? So who won?

**Cloud:** Well—

**Hercules:** Neither. Cloud tried to attack from behind, disqualifying himself. The match is worthless now.

**Hades:** ...Well balls. *flames turn red*

**Cloud:** Meh, I'll claim the victory.

**Hades:** ...Okay. Name?

**Cloud:** Cloud.

**Hades:** That's a fucking weird-ass name. Hope the naming convention of naming main Square Enix characters after atmospheric events ends after your title, eh?

**Cloud:** Sure, let's bounce already.

**Hercules:** ...You do know he's setting you up to _die,_ right?

**Phil:** And that Disney basically made the Underworld hell?

**Cloud:** It's implied that I'm after Sephiroth again. Anything to make all those fucking hallucinations stop...

**Hades:** Works for me, less go! *takes Cloud with him*

**Hercules:** ...Well at least we have our next story arc lined up.

**Phil:** You are _not_ going to the Underworld.

**Hercules:** And if I am?

**Phil:** Fine, fine, but I got two words for ya: Kick that fucking piece of shit's ass.

**Noriko:** Seven.

**Hercules:** *runs off*

**Noriko:** ...So—

**Phil:** Tournament's over, kid, go home.

**Noriko:** …

**Chirithy:** Yeah, you're not strong enough for this shit yet.

**Noriko:** Don't care, it can't be tougher than Cloud just was.

**Chirithy:** ...Fine, here's a portal. Just don't die, that place sucks.

**Noriko:** Noted. *goes through portal*

**Chirithy:** This was probably a terrible idea...

**Noriko:** *in the Underworld* Well this place is dark. *butchers everything throughout the Underworld...Are all these Heartless already dead?*

**Hades:** *muttering to himself* I make him an offer he can't refuse and he refuses. Dafuq. *walks right by Noriko and does a John Cleese-like double-take* ...Can I help you?

**Noriko:** Well, I—

**Hades:** Hang on, I just realized that I don't give a shit. Smithers! Release the hounds!

**Fluffy:** *runs up to growl down at Noriko*

**Hades:** Chow time! *vanishes* I'll be up here, watching the feast!

**Noriko:** *takes a long-ass while to beat Fluffy since there's still an absolute refusal to pour real money into this game – has to actually spend time leveling up Three Wishes, switching out medals, goes back and finishes a few more quests to completion to make sure the Keyblade's strength actually increased, and eventually becomes a puppy killer*

**Fluffy:** *runs off whimpering*

**Hades:** *poofs back in* Well. That did not go as expected. *actual dialogue as hair turns red* Why is everyone against me today! *calms back down* All right, fine, fine, I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. Think, think, think...Maybe if I make _this_ chick an offer she can't refuse... *actual dialogue again* Hey, my friend, my buddy, my chum.

**Noriko:** No. To whatever it is.

**Hades:** Aw come on, you beat Fluffy! No one could've predicted that! *starts walking around* I bet a lot of people underestimate you, don't they? It's a mistake _I_ certainly won't make again, I can promise you that! And you wanna be even stronger too, don't you? I can help you out with that, you know.

**Noriko:** I...suddenly have a cunning plan...

**Hades:** Awesome, let's talk the power of darkness. Why is it the best, you ask?

**Noriko:** I didn't—

**Hades:** Because everyone's born from darkness!

**Noriko:** Usual no-one-can-see-out-of-the-womb joke.

**Hades:** Yeah sure, that too. So first I got a little test for you, if you don't mind. Find my office somewhere in the depths of the Underworld. That's it, that's all I want. I mean, you have to _survive_ the trip, but that won't be a problem for a big dick hot shot like you, now will it? *vanishes again, his voice still lingering* Hey, be quick about it, would ya?

**Chirithy:** *pops in* What the fuck are you doing.

**Noriko:** Stuff.

**Chirithy:** You do know that if you lose yourself to the darkness, you'll become the very thing you've been killing, right?

**Noriko:** Don't worry, I have a cunning plan.

**Chirithy:** ...Fine, it's your choice, and I'm not gonna try and take it away from you. *sighs* All I can do is watch. *vanishes*

**Noriko:** Guess they forgot the fact that they always force me to go to the planet _they_ want me to go to. This is the first time they've actually let me stay, it's a nice change.

**Hades:** Wow, that was quick. N-Not that I'm _impressed_ or anything, b-b-baka! Ahem. So! Your first lesson about darkness—

**Noriko:** That's great, where's Cloud?

**Hades:** Hmm. Don't know, don't care. How's that?

**Noriko:** Insufficient.

**Hades:** Well he's probably dead now anyway. Unlike you, my loyal pupil.

**Noriko:** Hrmm...

**Hades:** Hey, no worries, you got this. All you have to do is obey my every order without question, and one day you'll know true freedom!

**Noriko:** HRMMMM.

**Hades:** Look, just kill some Heartless, okay?

**Noriko:** Oh, okay, _that_ I'm comfortable doing.

**Hades:** ...So go?

**Noriko:** Right. *kills stuff*

**Hades:** Hey, you know how I promised I'd stop underestimating you? I lied, I totally didn't expect you to still be alive. You still gotta keep on keepin' on, though.

**Noriko:** Roger. *kills more stuff*

**Hades:** Have I told you how entirely made of awesome you are? How 'bout you take a break, yeah?

**Noriko:** Nah, I can keep going.

**Hades:** Well okay, who am I to stop you? Just don't get lost.

**Noriko:** How, the Underworld is just one big hallway again. *goes deeper and deeper into the Underworld until Cloud is found*

**Cloud:** 'Sup. I know you came all this way but you really shouldn't have. We gotta get outta here.

**Hercules:** And I'm here too now. Let's bounce, together.

**Cloud:** Works for me.

**Hades:** *poofs in* HI, EVERYBODY!

**Hercules:** Oh great, this ass-clown.

**Hades:** Now why wasn't I invited to this little reunion?

**Cloud:** Don't you fucking mention that word in front of me.

**Hercules:** Yeah, we're gonna go, so if you'll excuse us...

**Hades:** Or you could stick around some more so my newest lackey can get ya! Come on, kid, let 'em have it!

**Hercules:** Wait, what?

**Noriko:** *summons Keyblade* Hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I only pretended to be your lackey so I could track down Cloud without you getting in my way.

**Hades:** This is hurting my feels organ. Whichever one that is.

**Hercules:** I knew I could count on you.

**Hades:** *actual dialogue* Well, you know what they say: If you want something done right, call your mother. Short of that, do it yourself.

**Hercules:** We're gonna stop you, you know that, right?

**Hades:** Keep telling yourself, kid.

**Hercules:** How 'bout we settle this right here and now, then? *swipes at Hades* Why am I now weak as shit?

**Hades:** All according to keikaku.

**Cloud:** You used me to get to him, didn't you.

**Hades:** ...Well yes. *binds Hercules in smoke chains and poofs him somewhere else* Welp, I'm off to redecorate the Coliseum for my next tournament. Later, haters! *poofs away himself*

**Cloud:** ...Team up?

**Noriko:** YES.

**Cloud:** I'll keep fighting down here, you go get Hercules. Also keep in mind that this shit's only temporary.

**Noriko:** Whatever, let's just go already. *goes up all the way back to Hades's office thing, sees Hercules chained up on the ground, and saves his ass*

**Hercules:** Man, sure is a good thing you're here. I don't know how my storyline could've possibly progressed without you.

**Noriko:** This is not correct to do.

**Hercules:** Shut up and follow me to the Coliseum.

**Noriko:** Yeah okay. *follows Hercules back just in time to see Cloud, who has re-taken out Fluffy, get taken out by Hades*

**Hades:** How the FUCK did you two chuckle-fucks survive.

**Hercules:** *ignores him completely in favor of Cloud* You okay, buddy?

**Cloud:** ...Tag in?

**Hercules:** Absolutely. Ready, random person I just met a few days ago at best?

**Noriko:** Well why the fuck not?

**Cloud:** I miss literally everyone in my own game.

**Hercules:** Ready for a really tough boss fight that'll take you weeks to beat?

**Noriko:** Hurg...

**Hercules:** Phil! Got a patient for ya!

**Phil:** *was apparently hiding behind some rubble the whole time* Damn it, Herc, I'm a trainer, not a doctor!

**Hercules:** That's nice, Imma go fight a _god_ now.

**Hades:** You're welcome for me choosing to just stand here and not do anything while you carry out entire conversations, by the way.

**Hercules:** That _was_ nice if you. You know what wasn't? Blowing up the Coliseum.

**Hades:** Everyone's a critic. *turns red and the battle begins*

**Noriko:** *takes five-ever*

**Hades:** *turns blue again* Conglaturations on depleting my health bar.

**Hercules:** Aw yeah, we're the best.

**Hades:** Everybody betray me. I'm FEDDAP widdis worl! *poofs out*

**Phil:** You, you survived that! Oh, and you too, I guess...

**Noriko:** Thanks so much. Ass.

**Hercules:** Well _I'm_ appreciative of your help. Fist bump?

**Noriko:** Badladladla.

**Cloud:** I think the true meaning of friendship is starting to bleed through. *turns to go*

**Hercules:** Hey, how 'bout you stick around?

**Cloud:** Can't, have to continue my annoying schtick of being an emo loner.

**Phil:** But that storyline sucks and no one likes it.

**Cloud:** Not true, shallow fans like it.

**Noriko:** If you could stop talking about the me from fifteen years ago I'd sure appreciate it.

**Phil:** Two words: You're gonna clean up _all_ this shit.

**Cloud:** Six. Also no.

**Noriko, Hercules, and Phil:** *laugh hysterically for no reason*

**Olympus Coliseum title card:** That sure was a thing.

**Noriko:** *leaves the area*

**Chirithy:** Well that was fun, wasn't it.

**Noriko:** Not really.

**Chirithy:** Whatever, back to your home planet with you.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *changes outfit to long gray hair, Devious duchess dress and headband and tail, Moogle Wings, Arabian Emerald necklace, and KH 3D Sora gloves* Welp, time for some sleep I guess—Hold the fuck up, I have a _house!?_ *is suddenly asleep in a bed in what is presumably Noriko's room* I guess I do, holy shit. *falls asleep and dreams of Daybreak Town* I gotta go to other planets more often. *dreams of the foretellers chatting with the Master of Masters with Noriko in the corner before being swallowed up by darkness and jolts awake*

**Chirithy:** That must've been some nightmare I totally didn't just give you. Maybe don't wear such an impractical outfit to bed?

**Noriko:** I'm a sleepy baby today, gimme a break. Seriously, this is the first nap I've had all game.

**Chirithy:** That's fair. How 'bout you get back to it, it sounds like you could use it.

**Noriko:** Okay. *lays back down*

**Chirithy:** ...'Sup.

**Different Chirithy who may or may not have darker fur, it's hard to tell with the window closed:** Not much. Show them the plot? Why would you do such a thing?

**Chirithy:** Because they're literally only here for the story and I need to keep them interested? You should look into it, Disney worlds are only interesting if they're new, or at least go over new shit that isn't garbage.

**Different Chirithy:** NOW YOU MUST DIE. *vanishes*

**Chirithy:** ...That escalated quickly. *turns to the sleeping Noriko* Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. I think. Maybe.

**Noriko:** *slept through all that and the next morning is back to killing everything in the streets of Daybreak Town before running into a dude with tousled grey hair and a red scarf*

**Ephemer:** *takes out an Invisible before collapsing in exhaustion*

**Noriko:** *runs up to him* Dude that was sick, you okay?

**Ephemer:** Yeah. *accepts the help up* Thanks for the help. Guess I'm not as much of a sick badass as I thought.

**Noriko:** It was still pretty cool, bro.

**Ephemer:** Thanks. I'm Ephemer, Leopardus Union.

**Noriko:** I'm Noriko from Vulpes. Also I actually talk now I guess. Seriously, this is the first time I've ever spoken all game.

**Ephemer:** Aww, we're on different teams? That means we can't hang out!

**Noriko:** ...Why?

**Ephemer:** Arbitrary bullshit reasons that I don't feel like listening to because they're stupid. Wanna do something?

**Noriko:** *is suddenly self-conscious about current outfit* THIS'LL LOOK LIKE I WANTED TO DATE YOU. FUCK'S SAKE, I'M ARO ACE, I JUST WANTED TO WEAR A PRETTY DRESS. Playing dress-up with your little digital Barbies — that's where it's at.

**Ephemer:** Here, I'll distract you: We're not actually going to other planets. We're just going to giant holo-decks that make it seem like we're somewhere else.

**Noriko:** Bull.

**Ephemer:** No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet. See, the Master of Masters — the former leader of this town, or at least the guy behind the Union leaders — he placed his eye into his Keyblade and bequeathed it to one of his disciples named Luxu. By passing it down over the generations, he ensured that he would be able to see the future with this Keyblade, using that foreknowledge to write the Book of Prophecies. Using this, and using the knowledge of future planets and people that will one day exist, he and the foretellers created data versions of all those different planets for us to play around in, so that the streets of our own home world didn't get too stale while gathering lux day to day.

**Noriko:** You're fucking with me. This is all some bullshit you just came up with. Some stupid conspiracy.

**Ephemer:** Dude I'm vaguely sure that this is the only planet in existence until the Keyblade War happens and other planets get created. Thus, hologram technology.

**Noriko:** This is a work. It has to be a work.

**Ephemer:** Well it's not. Or at least parts of it aren't, I'm completely open to being wrong, this shit's confusing. I'm trying to get proof on the data and time travel stuff at least, and I think I can get it if I get my hands on the Book of Prophecies those foretellers are hogging to themselves.

**Noriko:** Okay that part I believe a little.

**Ephemer:** A lot to take in?

**Noriko:** Little bit, but it may or may not make sense, I'll have to sit on it.

**Ephemer:** Cool, now let me tell you about the part that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, namely this whole big fucking mess where we're all competing for lux for no reason. Honestly, I don't think all the Unions are on the same page when it comes to what we're supposed to be doing.

**Noriko:** This reminds me of a dream I had last night...

**Ephemer:** Should I be hearing this?

**Noriko:** No it's fine, it was just about the foretellers talking to some guy in an Organization XIII cloak, which because of Xemnas eventually fucking everything up I automatically associate it with something evil and also at this point we had no idea who the Master of Masters even was.

**Ephemer:** That _is_ interesting. Hey, I've got a cunning plan. Wanna join me on my bullshit?

**Noriko:** Sure, this is legit the first real inkling of a plot in this game, this is _actually_ what I signed up for.

**Ephemer:** Okay, so where did your dream take place?

**Noriko:** Somewhere underground, I think. *runs off with Ephemer*

**Chirithy:** *poofs in* ...You with him?

**Different Chirithy:** *poofs in, _definitely_ with darker fur* I don't think so.

**Chirithy:** ...Did you take a bath, your fur's darker.

**Different Chirithy:** Remember in 3D where you can change the color of your Spirits?

**Chirithy:** Oh yeah, completely forgot, never mind.

**Different Chirithy:** Well guess what, that's not actually what's happening here.

**Chirithy:** Oh. Shit.

**Different Chirithy:** But about your human person. They're getting a little too close to the plot, aren't they? Shouldn't you be stopping them?

**Chirithy:** …

~See, my Chirithy's psychic and knows that the plot's the only reason I ever bothered playing any of this in the first place.~

**Noriko:** I've never been in this section of town before.

**Ephemer:** You have no idea where we're going, do you.

**Noriko:** I do not, but I feel like we need to get into that castle up there.

**Ephemer:** I had that same feeling. Been trying but could never find a way to sneak in.

**Noriko:** Bugger.

**Ephemer:** ...Wanna split up? This game can't handle multiple players just yet.

**Noriko:** That is the best excuse for always fighting alone that I've heard so far, let's do this. *runs off and eventually runs into a Moogle*

**Moogle:** I'm here to tell you that sections of this planet have names, kupo! Also I'm giving you a heads up about a huge monster in Waterfront Park, kupo.

**Noriko:** I don't know where that is, kupo.

**Moogle:** I thought this was your home planet, kupo.

**Noriko:** I don't know shit, kupo. *wanders around aimlessly murdering shit* Huh, there was water in this area. It's gone now. Plus the sewers appear to be missing this manhole cover. *goes down*

**Ephemer:** *also goes down* I was following you the entire time!

**Noriko:** Oh great.

**Ephemer:** Way to find a way underground, though. Also I psychically know that there's a fuckton of Heartless around here, and also that nearly every area looks the same.

**Noriko:** Oh joy. *fights down in the sewers for a while before the plot dictates that an Invisible inflicts a stab wound* But I depleted its health bar!

**Ephemer:** I got you, fam. *uses an offscreen medal to kill it*

**Noriko:** ...I mean I guess it was established that you can kill Invisibles...

**Ephemer:** Hey, you helped me to my feet, I saved your life just now. I say we're even.

**Noriko:** Yeah, that seems about equal.

**Earthquake:** *happens*

**Ephemer:** I usually make a Quake reference here but I've not watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. since like season five, and I didn't even finish that.

**Noriko:** Me neither. Wanna see what caused said earthquake? *starts to move forward*

**Ephemer:** Hold up.

**Noriko:** Yo?

**Ephemer:** In order to artificially pad out the game and to draw out the mystery, I think we should come back when we're marginally stronger. I mean, both of us nearly died today, so...And who knows how deep this area goes, too, you know? Plus we've been gone for a while, those Union leaders who never keep tabs on us _will_ pick this one day to wonder what we're up to, you watch.

**Noriko:** That's a good point.

**Ephemer:** We know the general way we have to go now, right?

**Noriko:** Looks like.

**Ephemer:** Cool. Um, I know it's frowned upon, but...Wanna be friends?

**Noriko:** Of course I do! Wait, why's it frowned upon?

**Ephemer:** Different unions are...discouraged from mixing. We're not even allowed to form parties with members outside of our own union.

**Noriko:** Jesus Christ, how did we not realize how problematic that fucking series was sooner. Why would you permanently divide people up by personality alone, basically asking for toxic ideas about bigotry and prejudice to absolutely thrive among certain groups? And then _encourage_ infighting with each other just because your animal motif is different? And _then_ be _surprised_ when you try to preach unity but no one listens because so much resentment has already built up due to _your_ aforementioned encouragement!? Oh but it's actually about how love is the most powerful force in the world (but only if you give birth to someone does it truly count) and how we should all accept everyone for who they are rather than what they were born as, unless of course that applies to real people, what a _fucking_ monster.

**Ephemer:** I know, it sucks. But enough with the Hogwarts House comparisons for now, I'm ignoring the “don't make friends” part anyway because fuck that bullshit.

**Noriko:** I am good with that. *happily shakes his hand*

**Ephemer:** Awesome, wanna meet up at the fountain tomorrow?

**Noriko:** Sure! Got nothing better to do!

**Ephemer:** Then it's settled! See you tomorrow!

**Noriko:** See ya! *goes back home and lies on the bed* I wonder if I have parents. Or where any of the adults or children or anyone who's not around the age of fourteen are. OR if we're even fourteen.

**Chirithy:** SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

**Noriko:** I made my second real friend, this time one that doesn't just want me to do things for him but is actually capable in his own right and also can actually fight and shit!

**Chirithy:** An original canon NPC? That's awesome! Man, I wish I had friends!

**Noriko:** ...Did you not hear me say that Ephemer was my _second_ friend? I met _you_ first, you idiot.

**Chirithy:** ...W-What?

**Noriko:** You're a freaking moron, you are.

~Okay that was pretty cute.~

**Ephemer:** I don't know if this is some kind of prideful “This is something I have to do on my own so I can prove to the world and myself that I can do this” type thing, or if it's an “I don't want to put anyone else in harm's way/get anyone else into trouble” type thing. Nevertheless, sorry, Noriko, but I think I'll be missing our meeting tomorrow.

~...Dick.~

**Noriko:** All right! Here I am at the fountain a half-hour early, as usual! Time to play some Pokeymans till my good buddy gets here!

~Five hours later...~

**Noriko:** And of course my 2DS battery died like two hours ago. Good thing I also equipped Naminé's sketchbook as well...

**Chirithy:** Have you really been waiting all day?

**Noriko:** *sniffs* Mm-hmm.

**Chirithy:** ...Come on, let's go home.

**Noriko:** I don't wanna! H-He could still sh-show up!

**Chirithy:** ...Maybe his Union makes him get a specific quota of lux day by day and he's behind so he's using today to catch up?

**Noriko:** You're just pulling shit straight outta your ass, aren't you.

**Chirithy:** Pretty much. Look, we don't know what happened, but until we do, let's just give him the benefit of the doubt, yeah?

**Noriko:** DUDE I LOOK PRETTY I WANT SOMEONE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I LOOK PRETTY.

**Chirithy:** And now for some selfish bullshit of you allowing yourself to feel healthy emotions bringing down everyone around you, and _I_ don't wanna feel sad so you should repress your own emotions for _my_ benefit. Because that's what friendship is all about!

**Noriko:** ...I will accept these terms if you allow me to cuddle you like the plushy you basically are.

**Chirithy:** Whatever gets that Stepford Smile on your face.

~I particularly hate this message these games keep trying to push while being seemingly (hopefully) unaware of how dangerous it really is.~


	7. Refusing To Offer Content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Okay so I have a dark as shit sense of humor but I may have gone too far this time so content warning for implied domestic abuse and also more stalking:** _Westworld, Duck Soup, The Lord of the Rings, A Series of Unfortunate Events,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel and the Super Best Friendcast, _Harry Potter, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ “My Heart Will Go On,” _Pumpkin Head,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Oh good, more Wonderland bullshit.~

**White Rabbit:** I apparently have a wife named Mary Ann now.

**Noriko:** The fuck's going on around here?

**White Rabbit:** I sent my woman to fetch me a sandwich like a good housewife instead of getting it myself, but now the bitch is no longer following my every order without question! Also she's locked herself inside, so I can't even discipline her properly.

**Noriko:** ...Well I _was_ going to offer my Keyblade that'll open any lock, but—

**White Rabbit:** That key's too big, I need _my_ key! Which I left by that other door. You know the one. Go and get it for me, will you?

**Noriko:** I hate absolutely everything about this planet.

**White Rabbit:** NOW, WENCH!

**Noriko:** ...Meh, none of this is real anyway, at least according to Ephemer. *blinks* Why do I suddenly want to re-binge the first season of _Westworld_ and only the first season and then stop. *heads over to the Doorknob*

**Doorknob:** The White Rabbit's house keys? Haven't seen shit. Try that way.

**Noriko:** Thanks, I guess. *kills a Wizard* Found it! This random Heartless had it for some reason.

**Doorknob:** Awesome. Sure hope you get instantly teleported back to his house!

**Noriko:** You are _not_ the only one who hopes for that, good sir. *is in fact teleported directly back* Oh thank Merlin. And here's your key, you ungrateful prick.

**White Rabbit:** Why thank you, wench. *checks abnormally large pocket watch* I'M COMING FOR YA, BITCH! *goes inside*

**Noriko:** ...I'm thinking maybe I shouldn'ta did that. I'm, uh, I'm just gonna go... *starts to leave when a huge racket comes out of the house* Oh now what.

**White Rabbit:** SAVE ME, MAGICAL RANDOM PERSON WHO DOES THINGS FOR PEOPLE! *runs by*

**Noriko:** There has got to be a better way to phrase that...Oh hi, Alice. Have you put on weight?

**Alice:** *has grown so big she's bursting out of the house* How rude!

**Noriko:** Well if the shoe fits...Come to think of it, how're your clothes growing with you. *takes out the Possessers surrounding her*

**Alice:** Thanks for that, at least now I won't be murdered super hard. Kiiiinda stuck, though.

**Noriko:** And to think, for all the Final Fantasy magic included in these games, Mini is rarely one of them...

**Alice:** ...Could you take my word on this? If you grab me some food from the garden, there's a chance I'll shrink back to normal. Or grow even larger, who's to say, really. Thing is, I'm kind of stuck...

**Noriko:** Yeah, yeah, I got it. *gets it*

**White Rabbit:** I'm back now!

**Noriko:** That's nice. *gives Alice weird food stuffs*

**Alice:** Nom. *shrinks*

**White Rabbit:** Oh, now my house is back to normal. How convenient. And while I should be questioning what _this_ wench was doing with my sock drawer, but I am super late once again. *pisses off*

**Teeny tiny Alice:** *crawls out from under the door* This might've been a huge mistake, but who cares because STALKING! *runs out*

**Chirithy:** *poofs in* This planet is so fucked up.

**Noriko:** Yeah, sure am glad I'm not actually here.

**Chirithy:** 'Scuse me?

**Noriko:** Nothing. So do we still have to be here, or...?

**Chirithy:** 'Fraid so. Now the Mad Hadder's involved in this game to frustrate you anew.

**Noriko:** As long as he's still a 2D cartoon, I'm okay with that.

**Chirithy:** ...I mean, the other one's pretty animated—

**Noriko:** Who cares, those movies still sucked. *murders the way over to the tea party*

**Mad Hatter and...Other Rabbit:** *see someone coming and rush over*

**Mad Hatter:** Sorry, we can't seat you here.

**Noriko:** … *looks at all the empty seats* I think I hate you.

**Other Rabbit:** Those are reserved.

**Noriko:** Oh yeah, I'm sure a bunch of people are just _lining_ up to this place.

**Mad Hatter:** We don't want you here!

**Other Rabbit:** Yes, leave at once!

**Mad Hatter:** Get out and never darken our towels again!

**Noriko:** Okay. *turns to leave*

**Mad Hatter:** Please don't leave, we're so lonely.

**Noriko:** Shit, now I _really_ want to leave — HEY!

**Other Rabbit:** *physically drags Noriko over to a chair*

**Mad Hatter:** Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger. I've got a few bottles of the old vineyard left. 1296. _Very_ good year. Almost as old as I am! It was laid out by my father! What's say we open one, eh?

**Noriko:** Just tea, thank you. Jasmine, if you have it.

**Other Rabbit:** YOU'LL DRINK EARL GREY AND LIKE IT!

**Noriko:** Eurgh.

**Other Rabbit:** Sugar?

**Noriko:** No, I prefer just plain tea.

**Mad Hatter:** *dumps the entire sugar bowl into her cup*

**Noriko:** ...There's a _Series of Unfortunate Events_ joke here, I know it.

**Mad Hatter:** Well it's broken now.

**Other Rabbit:** You! Go get us more sugar!

**Mad Hatter:** Posthaste!

**Noriko:** Every spoonful is regret. *does it anyway*

**Doorknob:** ...Why are you doing all this stupid shit for us?

**Noriko:** Well, while shit like this makes me want to throw my fucking tablet through a meat grinder, the shit with Ephemer and the promise of more like it makes me keep coming back. The apparent fact that none of this is real also helps.

**Doorknob:** ...Sure. Sugar's on the table. Please leave now.

**Noriko:** Thanks! *is mercifully teleported back to the Mad Hatter's tea party* Here's your shit sugar, you piece of shit.

**Mad Hatter:** Will we die, just a little?

**Noriko:** Still trying to work out what the everliving _fuck_ that line's supposed to mean.

**Other Rabbit:** And now we must dance around the table.

**Noriko:** Both of you fuck yourselves. *is forcibly sat down in a different chair*

**Mad Hatter:** Tea? Or maybe something a little—

**Noriko:** GET ON WITH IT!

**Other Rabbit:** Okay, here's a fresh cup—

**Mad Hatter:** WE CAN'T GIVE HER THAT!

**Other Rabbit:** Not on her unbirthday, you're right.

**Noriko:** And if I told you it actually _was_ my birthday, whether or not it actually is?

**Mad Hatter and Other Rabbit:** We wouldn't listen!

**Noriko:** Of course you wouldn't.

**Other Rabbit:** Also we've spontaneously decided we don't want you here anymore.

**Mad Hatter:** Begone, foul demon! *helps Other Rabbit push Noriko out of the party*

**Mad Hatter and Other Rabbit:** FUCK OFF THE EDGE OF MY DICK!

**Noriko:** ...Well that was completely _fucking_ pointless.

**Chirithy:** *poofs in* You say that like it's a bad thing.

**Noriko:** *splits the surrounding trees with the Keyblade*

**Chirithy:** ...Yeah, you're right, we should go. Also you should know that Alice is the same kind of Princess of Heart as Snow. I know you hate her fucking guts and want to at least stop her stalking habit, but now you have to live your life to protect her. Aren't you overjoyed to hear this.

**Noriko:** ...Thrilled.

**Chirithy:** Okay, time to track her down again!

**Noriko:** Great...

**Chirithy:** I psychically know you want to ask the Cheshire Cat a thing.

**Noriko:** I really don't but fine. *finds him* Bitch you told me Alice would be with those shitlords!

**Cheshire Cat:** I thought you'd know better than to listen to me by now. *fades away*

**Noriko:** Get back here.

**Cheshire Cat:** Okay. *fades back in* She's with the Queen, who is conveniently located through this tree I'm sitting on. *fades away again*

**Noriko:** ...Well at least we're in a new area...

**Ace of Hearts:** We done fucked up. The queen likes red roses but we painted white ones. She'll tear us in half if we don't paint them quickly enough.

**Noriko:** Why are you telling me this?

**Ace of Hearts:** Well your sudden random objective is to guard us from these weird monsters now, so...

**Noriko:** Hurg, fine.

**Ace of Hearts:** ...Shit. The red roses have now become sentient, and thus you now have a new breed of Heartless to fight.

**Noriko:** Oh huzzah.

**Three of Hearts:** Aaaand now the Queen's calling us. *leaves with the Three of Spades*

**Noriko:** I'll come with for some reason. *follows them into the court area of the hedge maze* Oh, this scene again. I thought this game was just a touch more faithful, why are we never in the actual courtroom setting.

**Alice:** Aw yeah, doesn't it feel just as fresh as the other three times you did this shit, not counting replays?

**Noriko:** No. No it does not.

**White Rabbit:** The prisoner is charged for speaking incorrectly, and not for stalking and home invasion for some reason.

**Queen of Hearts:** Meh, those aren't very big offenses.

**White Rabbit and Noriko:** Yeah they kind of are—

**Queen of Hearts:** SILENCE!

**White Rabbit and Noriko:** Yes'm.

**Queen of Hearts:** Awesome, bring in the giant vat of acid.

**Alice:** Aren't you gonna say I'm guilty first, at least, so you're not giving basically a death sentence to a technically legally innocent person? I mean, come on, I'm white!

**Queen of Hearts:** Yeah but you're still female so I can still get away with it.

**Alice:** ...Well can you at least read me the charges first? I would at least like to know _why_ I'm being dissolved.

**Queen of Hearts:** ...Yeah okay.

**White Rabbit:** ...She entered the hedge maze when she wasn't supposed to. Not my house, just the hedge maze, that's... *sigh* that's the only place of importance...

**Alice:** But I didn't _mean_ to enter the maze! I just drank from this mysterious bottle with unclear directions without knowing what it was, kind of like any seven-and-a-half-year-old that hasn't been taught all that well would do! And then I shrank super small for some reason.

**Queen of Hearts:** Poppycock.

**Alice:** ...You live in a world with anthropomorphic playing cards.

**Queen of Hearts:** I don't see your point.

**Alice:** Help me, strange newcomer! You got into the hedge maze the same way, right?

**Noriko:** There was a random hole in a tree that lead to here that kind of just happened, yes.

**Alice:** There you have it!

**Queen of Hearts:** Prove it.

**Alice:** Well you heard her, go out and prove it. I kinda like living.

**Noriko:** Eh, you'll get over it. *goes to get proof* What am I even looking for.

**Doorknob:** That bottle on the table? Worth a shot, anyway.

**Alice:** Oh hey, record time. See? It's a Shrinking Solution! Why are comparisons and references like this still happening!

**White Rabbit:** Because we've been involved with that shit for twenty years now and it's harder to untangle ourselves than we thought. Also frankly the fact that Trevor turned into a tadpole instead of actually shrinking implies that it's more of a de-aging potion.

**Queen of Hearts:** That shit's only in fanfiction. NEXT!

**Alice:** Wait what?

**White Rabbit:** Well the cards are blaming you for the white roses—

**Alice:** Oh _fuck_ that noise! Helpful person wanna be helpful again?

**Noriko:** Meh. *kills a White Rose Heartless* Good enough?

**Alice:** Looks like!

**White Rabbit:** Can we _please_ charge her for stalking now?

**Queen of Hearts:** Absolutely not! I demand blood for something she did to _me,_ I don't give a shit about you!

**White Rabbit:** ...We also blame you for all the monster attacks.

**Noriko:** Well to be fair they _are_ drawn to her light so I guess that's not entirely inaccurate—

**Alice:** That's not true! That's impossible! Shit, that helpful person can't possibly find proof of this!

**Noriko:** And yet off I go to look, I guess.

**Cheshire Cat:** Sure, I can be a witness, why not.

**Noriko:** I don't trust you. I trust you so not at all. *heads back* Wonder if the fact that this is Quest 400 bears any significance. *looks around* WELL WHADDAYA KNOW, THE CHESHIRE CAT DIDN'T ACTUALLY SHOW.

**Queen of Hearts:** Did you just waste all of our time?

**Noriko:** BOY DID I!

**Alice:** Yeah, prob'ly should've seen this coming, huh?

**Noriko:** I tried, man.

**Alice:** I'm a girl.

**Noriko:** Shit, I apologize.

**Alice:** It's cool.

**Queen of Hearts:** What was that, random stranger? I didn't hear you.

**Noriko:** That's because I can't talk.

**Cheshire Cat:** *appears next to White Rabbit* Kept you waiting, huh?

**Noriko:** POINT!

**Alice:** I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

**White Rabbit:** My money's on bad thing.

**Cheshire Cat:** Alice is a Princess of Heart. Someone else's darkness is drawing shit in. *disappears again*

**Queen of Hearts:** ...I'm taking your word for it for some reason.

**White Rabbit:** Look, unless you let me charge her for stalking, and breaking and entering into _my_ house, I can't do shit.

**Alice:** HA! Thanks, helpful person!

**Noriko:** I've never regretted anything more in my life.

**Queen of Hearts:** Don't care, boiling her alive anyway.

**Alice:** The fuck!

**Queen of Hearts:** I really just don't like you.

**Cards:** *all line up*

**Noriko:** Okay, even I don't think murder is a suitable punishment for stalking unless it's in self-defense. *draws Keyblade*

**Alice:** My hero! *cowers behind her*

**Queen of Hearts:** Who said you could interfere?

**Noriko:** The game? I guess?

**Alice:** You go that way. I'll go home. *runs off*

**Noriko:** Hoo boy, this'll be fun...

**Queen of Hearts:** DEATH BY PAPER CUTS, LET'S GO!

**Cards:** *form a pyramid so as to form a boss that takes forever to defeat if you're bad at free-to-play games because you don't pay to win*

**Noriko:** KABLAMS!

**Cards:** Yeah, we're basically immortal. *all get up again*

**Noriko:** Oh shit. *runs away*

**Alice:** Well we magically got away through the power of mazes. Hey, thanks for the assist, by the way.

**Noriko:** Mm-hmm.

**Alice:** Man, fuck people who only use the excuse of “because I said so” for everything, amirite?

**Noriko:** Spoken like a true seven-year-old.

**Alice:** Welp, despite the fact that I should've woken up by now, I'm gonna dick around a little more, and you'll pop in to help me whenever I need it, completely getting rid of all my problems for me and ensuring that I never experience the consequences for my actions and thus never learn and grow as a person.

**Noriko:** You know what? Maybe one out of a hundred children are not worth murdering, a quote that I thought I would want to take back. But then didn't.

**Alice:** OKAY BYEEE! *runs off*

**Noriko:** Stop, don't, come back.

**Chirithy:** *pops in* Curiouser and curiouser!

**Noriko:** Fuck you.

**Chirithy:** No shut up you love it. She'll grow up eventually and when she does we can all hope that this stalking thing is just a phase. But even if it's not, unfortunately for you, you still have to keep her alive.

**Noriko:** Fuck.

**Chirithy:** Her heart needs to go on. Geddit? Do ya geddit?

**Noriko:** I thought my soul was dead, and yet it still manages to be killed even more.

**Chirithy:** Aw but references tho! *disappears*

**Wonderland title card:** And that's that storyline done.

**Noriko:** And I never have to come back, right!?

**Wonderland title card:** HA!

~Merlin am I sick of that fucking world...~

**Ephemer:** *is sitting on the fountain next to Master Ava* ...Why the long face?

**Master Ava:** It's a fox mask, it's supposed to have a long face.

**Ephemer:** No I mean why do you look so sad _under_ the fox mask.

**Master Ava:** I am under no obligation to answer any of your questions and you should really learn to mind your own business.

**Ephemer:** Aw come on, maybe I can help!

**Master Ava:** I just said no, learn to take it as an answer.

**Ephemer:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Master Ava:** Hmm. Okay! Remember that thing we talked about last time?

**Ephemer:** Clearly better than you do, yes.

**Master Ava:** About why the unions compete against each other instead of working together?

**Ephemer:** Again, I was there, I remember the thing that is still bothering me quite clearly.

**Master Ava:** Cool, 'cause frankly I have no idea why shit's like this either.

**Ephemer:** Is this the first time you've actually bothered to question what your Master taught you since you were always so adamant about agreeing with him before?

**Master Ava:** I mean, I'm still basically like that, but it doesn't exactly mean that I have to be one hundred percent happy about it. In our last conversation you evidently went on about how shit on this planet made little to no sense and that you wanted to see what was actually going on for yourself, no matter what you were told to do otherwise. I also want this for everyone on this planet. I didn't get to hear what the Master had told Invi so I don't even know that she seems to be the only one with the freedom to decide things for herself and to choose her own path. I want that freedom of choice for myself, and for everyone else on this planet.

**Ephemer:** ...So even those in positions of power who always seem to know what they're doing have their moments of doubt and directionlessness at times. I don't know why but that makes me feel a bit better about my own life. Now tell me everything about the Book of Prophecies.

**Master Ava:** Fuck you.

**Ephemer:** I implore you to reconsider?

**Master Ava:** Not gonna work every single time.

**Ephemer:** Yes it will!

**Master Ava:** Yes it will. Except this time because, again, fuck you.

**Ephemer:** I guess that's fair.

**Master Ava:** WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST GET ALONG AND BE FRIENDS AND AGREE TO DISAGREE ON WHAT THEIR FAVORITE ANIMAL/FURSONA IS, FUCK'S SAKE.

**Ephemer:** Ooooh, great segue! I actually met someone from another union today and I think we're friends now! They don't talk much; I don't know if they're actually mute or if UX is meant to have a silent protagonist except for certain quests where it turns out they can not only talk but are quite verbose, but they certainly didn't talk to me at all and I'm fine with that. Whenever they're ready, you know? Anyway, we're planning to meet up again tomorrow unless I decide to do something stupid on my own which I will.

**Master Ava:** ...So you won't assume a stranger's pronouns and will respect their desire to not speak if they don't want to, but you'll get all up in a woman's personal business and tell her to smile more.

**Ephemer:** Apparently!

**Master Ava:** Dope. Now to disguise me desperately wanting you to fuck off and leave me alone as a request for you to be well rested for meeting your friend tomorrow.

**Ephemer:** Done and done! *gets up and starts to run away before stopping and turning back* Glad we got the chance to talk again! *bows* You know, you really _should_ smile more, you'd be more approachable that way.

**Master Ava:** I will literally profit from your dead body.

**Ephemer:** OKAY BYEEEE~! *runs off*

**Master Ava:** I just remembered that he's part of my super secret group of super secret children and now I fear for the future even more. *watches dandelion seeds float along in the breeze* SAID SUPER SECRET GROUP OF SUPER SECRET CHILDREN IS CALLED THE DANDELIONS, 'CAUSE I'M HOPING THEY'LL FLOAT AWAY TO ANOTHER PLANET AND START FRESH OR WHATEVER. GEDDIT!? DO YA GEDDIT!?

**Unchained X title card:** HEY this is still the title of the game you're playing.

~Why yes I _did_ just copy and paste that from the previous parody! The fuck're you gonna do about it?~

**Ephemer:** *meets Noriko at the fountain* Hey remember when we met up?

**Noriko:** I do not but I am good with this.

**Ephemer:** Awesome. Wanna get back to fucking with the foretellers?

**Noriko:** Sure, any “planet” I go to would just be a hallucination, right?

**Ephemer:** Now you're catching on! And look, we're already where we left off last time!

**Noriko:** Oh how I love teleporting.

**Ephemer:** ...Yep, we're still not doing this yet. Later! *vanishes in a cloud of dandelion seeds*

**Noriko:** *wakes up in bed at home* WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT.

**Chirithy:** Noriko, ARE YOU OKAY?

**Noriko:** NO I'M FUCKING NOT. Damn it, he wasn't even there! He was _never_ there! It was just my subconscious making it as though things happened the way I wanted them to!

**Chirithy:** Okay, calm down—

**Noriko:** Fuck you, I'm gonna go track him down and beat some answers out of him if I have to!

**Chirithy:** But that means—

**Noriko:** Yep, and you can't stop me.

**Chirithy:** Look, you really shouldn't—

**Noriko:** Ask me if I give a fuck.

**Chirithy:** Would you at least watch the movie? The foretellers are kinda going through some stuff right now.

**Noriko:** That's nice, I too am going through some stuff and I'm going to actually do something about it. *makes a break for it and gets as far as the bridge in front of the tower before Chirithy catches up*

**Chirithy:** Would you fucking stop.

**Noriko:** Where's the way in again?

**Chirithy:** I”m not helping you, you know.

**Noriko:** Fuggit, I gotta talk to people. *runs off*

**Chirithy:** Where are you going now!?

**White boy with generic as hell outfit but later-game hairstyle:** ...Now that you mention it, I haven't seen Ephemer lately at all. Meh, he was probably killed like the rest. Or he has some IRL stuff going on and hasn't logged on in a while, it happens.

**Noriko:** *has logged in every single day since the beginning to at least get the daily jewel thing if not actually play* I don't get it.

**Boy in blue Spring Bunny costume:** Whenever you're not there, there've been a lot of weird meetings around the fountain for some reason. I wonder if it'll be plot relevant later.

**Noriko:** Shit, the actual sewers are flooded and I can't get to them anymore.

**Bob cut white haired girl in Blue Moogle Outfit thing:** Hey didja hear that one of the Masters is recruiting the more badass Keyblade wielders among us?

**Teal haired boy in one of the adventurer outfits:** I think it's the head of Vulpes. I wonder what that Union's up to...

**Noriko:** Huh, I'm in that Union and yet I haven't been invited. Probably because I suck.

**Pink, long-haired girl in Autumn outfit:** Ephemer? That kid with the silver hair, right?

**Noriko:** *standing there with also silver hair* Yes.

**Pink, long-haired girl in Autumn outfit:** Yeah, he and Master Ava are pretty tight, he never misses a meeting with her by the fountain.

**Noriko:** I'M NOT JEALOUS YOU'RE JEALOUS.

**Pink, long-haired girl in Autumn outfit:** ...Yeah, so I heard he's in Agrabah right now. You should go look for him. And get away from me.

**Noriko:** I will go do that, yes. *goes to Agrabah*

**Pumpkin Head:** Yes, can I help you?

**Noriko:** Yeah, I was wondering if Master Ava recruited you for anything?

**Pumpkin Head:** So you want to know about Master Ava?

**Noriko:** Yes, that is exactly what I just finished describing to you.

**Pumpkin Head:** Well you know that tower you tried checking out before? You should go right back there and try to find a way in, like you wanted to in the first place.

**Noriko:** Oh good, this was all a big fucking waste of time apart from the Ava tie-in, great. *goes back to Daybreak Town*

**Chirithy:** *follows Noriko down into the sewers* I still don't think this is a good idea — Oh no...

**Master Ava:** 'Sup, nerds. You're...Player Character Name, right?

**Noriko:** My name is currently Noriko, yes.

**Master Ava:** Cool. So. What exactly are you doing here?

**Noriko:** Looking for Ephemer.

**Master Ava:** And why does this concern you?

**Noriko:** You seem so much less cold in the movie. Possibly because you have a voice. Anyway, it concerns me because he's supposedly my friend and if he's really not then I'm gonna get him to say it to my face. And/or find out whether or not he's still alive. Everyone says he hangs around you a lot, so if you could tell me literally anything...

**Master Ava:** You'd listen to a bunch of random strangers?

**Noriko:** Well they kind of lined up with this dream I had...

**Master Ava:** Look, you're possibly at that age where when a person likes someone else—

**Noriko:** Fuck's sake, woman, I am aromantic asexual and every dream I've ever had without clothes on was an embarrassing or frightening nightmare. Ephemer wanted me to come down here with him so we could find out what all of _you_ were up to, because we don't want to blindly follow your orders without context anymore! I've been flying blind since I got this Keyblade and I just want to understand what the fuck's going on in this game!

**Master Ava:** Is that so. Well tough, we need to extend this so people'll play for longer and we can continue to profit from them with our shitty slot machines.

**Pat:** If you look at the casino business, which is _really_ highly regulated now, and about one percent of their customers accounts for 33% of all casino revenue in the US. Okay? Now that is a combination of addicts and rich motherfuckers. Okay? And it's the same thing we're seeing in the “free-to-play” thing. I don't have the data, this is just my extrapolation from statistics. But you see people like Michael Pachter talking about how, “Ah, I'll blow fucking whatever on Candy Crush.” Yeah, Mike! You make fucking a million dollars a year! No shit you don't care about putting a hundred bucks into fucking Candy Crush. And at the same time, guy who says, “Man, I really need to get to Candy Crush 'cause I need to, 'cause I _need_ to...”

**Woolie:** But you, as the game's developer, you can go to sleep at night, just going, “No, they're all rich people.”

**Pat:** And so you get these monetization directors, which I have no doubt most of them have no idea, have not given a thought to this — they're essentially discovering ways to addict people to feedback in a “free-to-play” game with money as the in.

**Liam:** The fact that you would celebrate a whale, like that's—

**Pat:** Gross.

**Liam:** Regardless of mental disorder, you're celebrating a man spending a thousand bucks on your one dollar microtransaction, you have a _problem._

**Woolie:** And based on how little your goal of like your fish in your net, how few fish you need in your net to actually it profitable—

**Matt:** As long as you have a whale.

**Woolie:** —you can make that app as addictive and as horrible and as shameless and as garbage as you need to, because you're gonna get that one, two, three, four guys that'll keep it afloat. And there's no incentive to change that or to modify it to something that is less scummy.

**Pat:** Until it gets hit with regulation like the casino industry. They need the same regulation the casino industry is, and they need to show that they're not actively trying to ensnare addicts.

**Noriko:** I honestly thought I'd be referencing these conversations far more often in this...Anyway, I'd much rather get to the fucking point of this game as quickly as possible, if you don't mind.

**Master Ava:** … *walks a ways* So you thought he got caught up in the problems we foretellers have been having lately.

**Noriko:** Dude I don't know what's up with the movie, I've just been experiencing vivid hallucinations of me traveling to other planets.

**Master Ava:** Ah, but you're aware that I'm the one who saw him last.

**Noriko:** Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

**Master Ava:** Why do I get the feeling that you're gonna end up being super important to the plot later. Still, like I said, we're dragging this shit out as long as we possibly can. *summons Keyblade*

**Chirithy:** ...I'm peeing my shit over here.

**Master Ava:** You should get that looked at. *waves her Keyblade around a little while Chirithy panics* Come at me, bro.

**Noriko:** Well this sucks. *tries several times but Ava's so powerful that for the first time the decision to use Continues is made, wasting three hundred Jewels in the proccess*

**Master Ava:** *allows her Keyblade to fade away as Noriko collapses from exhaustion* Conglaturations, you managed to mostly deplete my health bar without depleting your entire collection of the currency that actually matters in this game. So here's some constructive criticism for you. Stop feeling lonely and sad over having virtually no friends and having one of the two you do have vanish under mysterious circumstances that I can readily tell you about but won't.

**Noriko:** ...You do know that it's healthy to have emotions like sadness, right? And that expressing them is _good_ to do? Has anyone making this game _seen_ Inside Out!?

**Master Ava:** Nah, that's Pixar, we only do Disney.

**Noriko:** I AM POSTING THIS IN A POST-KHIII WORLD.

**Ava:** No, stop feeling sadness forever.

**Noriko:** If I can't feel sadness because you're telling me not to, and I can't feel joy because of the circumstances in my life, then fear, anger, and disgust will take over and I can very easily see my way to not being able to feel at all about anything, which is a much better way to describe depression than just being overly sad about something.

**Master Ava:** ...Have you tried getting more friends?

**Noriko:** YES! I HAVE A PARTY! BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT? THEY'RE NOT STORY-RELEVANT! _MEANING THE FUCKING GAME WON'T LET ME GET MORE FRIENDS THAT COUNT WITHIN THE NARRATIVE!_

**Master Ava:** You still have Chirithy.

**Noriko:** Yeah, they're great, but I apparently hold one of those personalities where I want a fuckton of friends, or at least more than one. And Ephemer seemed like someone I could really hang out with. Can you tell me _anything_ about what's happened to him.

**Master Ava:** Leave now and never come back.

**Noriko:** Go fuck yourself. *leaves in disgust*

**Master Ava:** I WONDER IF THIS PERSON WHO TECHNICALLY DIDN'T SAY A SINGLE WORD OF DIALOGUE IS THE QUIET KID EPHEMER TOLD ME ABOUT.

~...Nah, that can't've been it.~

**Ephemer:** I don't know if this is some kind of prideful “This is something I have to do on my own so I can prove to the world and myself that I can do this” type thing, or if it's an “I don't want to put anyone else in harm's way/get anyone else into trouble” type thing. Nevertheless, sorry, Noriko, but I think I'll be missing our meeting tomorrow. *hears a noise* 'Ello? Who is it?

**Shadowy figure:** Hey.

**Ephemer:** You?

~...Was that also a dream, or...?~

**Chirithy:** Well that was fun, let's never do that again. Except to eventually max out that mission if/when you're strong enough.

**Noriko:** Oh believe me, I'll have no trouble beating that bitch up again...Zzzzz...

**Master Ava:** Yeah, that would not be good for me.

**Chirithy:** OH GOD YOU'RE GONNA KILL US IN OUR SLEEP.

**Master Ava:** ...No? Also why did you show them that dream of Ephemer.

**Chirithy:** I didn't.

**Master Ava:** Oh. Then maybe Ephemer himself did.

**Chirithy:** ...Or maybe people just have normal dreams sometimes?

**Master Ava:** Not one this plot relevant. Anyway, Ephemer's almost figured out everything that's going on. I know he's in another universe right now and that's about it. Maybe his heart reached out and contacted Noriko's. Problem is, doors open both ways. There's a chance they might get dragged down there themself soon. Whether or not they continue down that path is up to the script. Chirithy, it is your duty as a Spirit to protect Noriko from the Nightmares, something that is only hinted at until the truth is revealed at the beginning of Back Cover. But yeah, they're one of the hearts I want to eventually survive the events of this game. *vanishes*

**Chirithy:** ...No pressure, got it.

~Seriously, I almost don't recognize the kind, warm, borderline-childlike Master Ava from Back Cover as compared to this pragmatic woman portrayed here.~


	8. Update Glitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **HEY a day late because the days all blend together and time has no meaning YAY PANDEMIC:** _Lassie, West Wing,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Harry Potter, Archer, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~YEAH AN ENTIRE LEVEL DEVOTED TO MY SECOND FAVORITE ANIMATED DISNEY MOVIE LET'S GO.~

**Chirithy:** You still look pretty down. I know what'll cheer you up!

**Noriko:** I told you, until I know what happened to Ephemer, I don't think I'm physically capable of feeling joy right now.

**Chirithy:** So you _don't_ want to go to Beast's Castle?

**Noriko:** I NEVER SAID THAT. *quickly unlocks the Avatar Board with Belle's outfit* OKAY LET'S GO. *goes* Oooooh, spooky castle.

**Chirithy:** Yes, quite. But who cares, we kinda gotta go in regardless.

**Search Ghost:** *appears right behind them*

**Noriko:** POINT!

**Chirithy:** Huh? Timmy's stuck in a well? *looks behind them* Yeah, whatever you're looking at either disappeared or it wasn't there to begin with.

**Noriko:** And _this_ is why I prefer hanging out with Ephemer.

**Chirithy:** Let's repeat this gag two more times!

**Noriko:** Let's not.

**Chirithy:** OH SHIT A GHOST! Oh, it's just a Heartless. OH SHIT A HEARTLESS! Sic 'em!

**Noriko:** Fuck yourself. *barges into the castle, a scenario that I'm sure will bring no consequences whatsoever*

**Chirithy:** W-Wait for me! *follows*

**Beast's Castle title card:** Yeah that live action movie was whatever but THIS WAS THE SHIT THOUGH.

**Noriko:** *destroys the Search Ghost in one hit* Why can't I do that all the time?

**Lumière:** Sacrè bleu!

**Cogsworth:** Why're we immediately running up to this person who just barged in, we kind of don't do that.

**More Search Ghosts:** *appear*

**Noriko:** Oh for fuck's sake.

**Beast:** *comes downstairs and slaughters them all*

**Noriko:** Hey, thanks for the assist — HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU! No, don't animate me backing away in fear, I love this guy!

**Beast:** So, you've come to stare at the Beast, have you?

**Noriko:** ...Kinda, yeah!

**Beast:** Okay, lifetime in prison, let's go.

**Noriko:** Uh... *is locked up in the tower* ...Not exactly how I wanted to spend my evening...

**Chirithy:** *pops in* Man, what a monster!

**Noriko:** Hey now!

**Chirithy:** What, he's super strong, I call anyone like that a monster! I called _Master Ava_ a monster last night!

**Noriko:** I bet you did. EYYY!

**Chirithy:** Nah, not really into that.

**Noriko:** Oh, I apologize.

**Chirithy:** *takes a look around the dungeon* I wonder why we always get into these kinds of situations.

**Noriko:** Maybe people don't like it when we break into their homes and loot all their shit.

**Chirithy:** Nah, that can't be it. Anyway, remember depression is bad and you can't get sad at any cost no matter what happens.

**Noriko:** I AM IN THE 2D BEAUTY AND THE BEAST MOVIE, HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE SAD!?

**Chirithy:** Well there's a chance that Beasty-Boy'll show you first hand what happens when you feel sad for too long.

**Noriko:** Oh yeah, missing a friend who blew me off and feeling eternal confusion about my purpose in life is _totally_ comparable to being trapped in a non-human form for ten years.

**Chirithy:** Hey don't give me that comparison bullshit, how you feel is how you feel.

**Noriko:** THEN WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOT TO.

**Chirithy:** You should destroy all of the Heartless on this planet.

**Noriko:** DON'T CHANGE THE FUCKING SUBJECT!

**Chirithy:** No shut up, though, you have a magic key that can open any lock, why are we still sitting here.

**Noriko:** Because I'm never allowed to use it in this fashion so I forgot I could. *summons the Keyblade and goes to unlock the door*

**Chirithy:** And you can't do it here either because someone's coming.

**Noriko:** Fuck's sake...does the fact that I chose to present as female have an effect anything, am I a candidate for Beast's affections now, I mean I already proclaimed my love for him—

**Chirithy:** GOTTA GO BYE! *vanishes*

**Belle, Lumière, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, and Chip:** *all enter*

**Noriko:** *squees internally*

**Belle:** This the one?

**Cogsworth:** ...Do you see anyone else!?

**Belle:** Good point. Hello, my name is Belle, and these are my friends.

**Noriko:** Yes I know who you are.

**Belle:** Well I heard you got rid of some of those freakazoids for us. That must've been super badass of you and honestly aside from trespassing on private property I see no reason to lock you away like this.

**Cogsworth:** Yes, we'll see what we can do about that. But first, introductions.

**Noriko:** I already said I know who you are!

**Cogsworth:** Oh. How.

**Noriko:** ...I'm a crazy person who's convinced you're all holographic images wired into my brain?

**Lumière:** Okay, your story checks out.

**Mrs. Potts:** Indeed, what could go wrong?

**Chip:** You mean aside from everything?

**Belle:** Nice to meet you, Noriko.

**Noriko:** While I didn't say anything, this _is_ a hologram, so whatever I guess.

**Belle:** Can I ask what you're doing here?

**Noriko:** Those monsters I killed? It's basically my job to take 'em out. Also here's a quick rundown of what Heartless even are.

**Belle:** Huh, that explains a lot, actually.

**Cogsworth:** I am disbelief. Mainly 'cause I don't want to point fingers at anyone in the castle.

**Noriko:** Dude. Literally everyone but this girl here is to blame. Everyone but her has darkness in their hearts.

**Lumière:** Yeah but it's probably the Master, though.

**Cogsworth:** Yeah, really wanted to keep living in denial a bit longer...

**Mrs. Potts:** And here I thought Belle's arrival changed everything.

**Chip:** Please, describe how. Loudly. Within Belle's earshot.

**Mrs. Potts:** No.

**Belle:** But I want you to continue that line of thought.

**Noriko:** Enh...

**Belle:** You're saying that the Beast is justified in his anger and is really just lashing out because of his present circumstances?

**Noriko:** ...Well yes. Doesn't excuse his actions by a long shot—

**Belle:** —but it does make them understandable. If' it's true, Imma find out for myself. West Wing, let's go.

**Noriko:** I could watch that show again, sure.

**Cogsworth and co.:** Instead of warning you frantically away from there, we're encouraging this for some reason!

**Belle:** ...So the way's got a fuckton of monsters blocking the way—

**Noriko:** Not a problem, I'm getting better at this.

**Belle:** Okay, is it too pushy for me to ask you to do it quickly?

**Noriko:** Nah, I know you want answers.

**Belle:** Wow, you really _are_ good at this!

**Cogsworth:** For some reason I'm more concerned about how they're mucking up the place than the fact that they could kill us all at any time.

**Noriko:** PRIORITIES!

**Cogsworth:** Well it's okay because you're awesome at murder.

**Noriko:** You're not unright.

**Belle:** Okay, we're here!

**Beast:** Hey, you know where you shouldn't be?

**Belle:** ...Here?

**Beast:** DING DING DING! WE HAVE A FUCKING WINNER!

**Belle:** Hey, how 'bout you calm your shit.

**Beast:** 'Kay.

**Noriko:** Wolves already happen, then?

**Beast:** Me no likey the monsters. They tried to take my magical floating rose of magical magic.

**Belle:** Well you still have it, that's good, right?

**Beast:** Yeah. *sees Noriko* You! You, who is clearly a person! GTFO, you monster!

**Belle:** ...Dafuq, bro.

**Noriko:** Yeah that was incredibly uncalled for, dude.

**Belle:** *bursts into song*  
 _Working together..._

**Beast:** Don't sing a song.

**Belle:**   
_Solving the problems..._

**Beast:** Don't sing a song! No one likes music.

**Belle:**   
_It's gonna be fun when we solve science._

**Beast:** I'm gonna kill you. And I can't leave my room now that there's an active threat against the thing that may or may not be holding the castle together.

**Belle:** Well if you bothered explaining that more than not at all I wouldn't be so disappointed in you right now. C'mon, Noriko, let's go.

**Noriko:** You already know you're in an enchanted castle. There is a floating rose that is more closely guarded than anything else in this castle. This is not that hard to figure out.

**Beast:** Nope, coming with. Castle won't be worth protecting if everyone in it is dead.

**Noriko:** That logic is also sound.

**Belle:**   
_Working together—_

**Beast:** STAHP IT!

**Wardrobe, Lumière, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, and Chip:** We're all here too now!

**Cogsworth:** For some reason we think we stand a chance.

**Lumière:** Well fire's actually effective against _some_ of these guys, so...

**Chip:** I'm just glad to be included.

**Mrs. Potts:** I suppose I can throw boiling water in their faces...

**Wardrobe:** WARDROBE SMASH!

**Beast:** Boo yah. Don't fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die.

**Cogsworth:** Dying is bad!

**Lumière:** Yeah!

**Mrs. Potts:** Life is good! Choose life! Because dying is bad! Let's do the things—

**Chip:** That makes us not dying!

**Wardrobe:** Yeah!

**Lumière:** I'll stick around and guard the rose for now, though.

**Noriko:** Good plan.

**Lumière:** Psych! I've been following you this whole time!

**Noriko:** Oy vey.

**Lumière:** But where'd they all come from, though?

**Noriko:** I ALREADY EXPLAINED IT TO YOU, YOU FUCK!

**Cogsworth:** Still more freaked out about the fact that all these murderous creatures are tracking dirt everywhere.

**Noriko:** I never did like you.

**Beast:** I want every single one of these monsters gone and dead for good.

**Cogsworth:** Ahh...Finally, some peace and quiet.

**Noriko:** … *stares at the multitude of Heartless scattered about the entrance hall* I hope when I grow up I get to be as fucking clueless as you.

**Beast:** I think we're done for now. Imma go check on Belle.

**Noriko:** M'kay, I'm gonna go level up this new Divine Rose Keyblade I just got, I love this one. *does so and then does like seventeen million other quests just to get back to the West Wing*

**Belle:** Holy shit you actually survived.

**Beast:** Always the tone of surprise.

**Belle:** And thank you, fellow home invader, for helping in the slaughter of the other home invaders that weren't me.

**Beast:** Yes, that was good to do. Also I'd like to thank Belle for letting me know that not everyone outside of the castle is a massive pile of dogshit.

**Belle:** Aww, shucks.

**Beast:** And now to do what previous Kingdom Hearts games never did and actually do something from the movie.

**Belle:** Oh yeah? What's that?

**Beast:** Probably the main reason they decided to cast Hermione Fucking Granger as your replacement regardless of singing talent.

**Belle:** *happily squees and does the dance of joy*

**Screen:** *fades to black*

**Belle:** DO IT. IMPRESS ME WITH MATERIAL GOODS, YOU BASTARD!

**Beast:** All right, check out how cute the library looks in this art style!

**Belle:** Oh and we're just repeating movie dialogue now! This is awesome! Except it's “I've never seen so many books in all my life” and not “I've never seen so many books _before_ in all my life.” I don't even have to watch the movie again to know that, is that sad?

**Beast:** Eh, it's become commonplace to rewatch a thing right before we decide to parody it to get us in the mood even though there was no real need this time.

**Belle:** 'Cause of course I'd remember it anyway.

**Beast:** Totally. Library's still yours, by the way.

**Belle:** *continues the dance of joy*

**Lumière:**   
_Well who'd have thought?_

**Mrs. Potts:**   
_Well bless my soul!_

**Cogsworth:**   
_Well who'd have known?_

**Mrs. Potts:**   
_Well who indeed?_

**Lumière:**   
_And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own?_

**Mrs. Potts:**   
_It's so peculiar!_

**Lumière, Cogsworth, and Mrs. Potts:**   
_We'll wait and see_   
_A few days more_   
_There may be something there_   
_That wasn't there before_

**Cogsworth:**   
_You know, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before._

**Chip:** What?

**Mrs. Potts:**   
_There may be something there that wasn't there before._

**Chip:** What's there, Mama?

**Mrs. Potts:** I'll tell you when you're older.

**Chip:** No you won't.

**Mrs. Potts:** No I won't.

**The Beauty and the Beast:** *are suddenly doing the big dance number from the movie*

**Lumière and Cogsworth:** *are kind of just there*

**Chip:** *can barely stay awake*

**Mrs. Potts:** WHY AREN'T I SINGING.

**Noriko:** Seriously, I even liked the live action version of this scene. Still, this is way too iconic, as much as I want to observe from every angle I know this is a private moment so I'm out. *leaves*

**Chirithy:** Aww, that was so cute. Nice to know we're wrapping up at a truly heartwarming moment!

**Noriko:** ...You've never seen the movie before, have you.

**Chirithy:** No, why?

**Belle:** *leaves the castle in a hurry, not even bothering to acknowledge Noriko on the way*

**Chirithy:** What the hell's going on here?

**Noriko:** Wow, it's like it's super obvious or something—

**Chirithy:** We better follow her and find out!

**Noriko:** You're a fucking moron, you know that? *goes out into the blizzard and eventually runs into Belle and Maurice getting attacked by Search Ghosts* Oh shit! *kills them all*

**Belle:** You're just helping everyone today. So the reason I left—

**Noriko:** I know already, and it's astounding that this mobile game is pointing out a serious flaw in the main games like this.

**Belle:** I know, my father's probably super dead in the main storyline by now. But yeah, I'm gonna go take my dying father back home now.

**Noriko:** Good idea. I know that my Sweetheart Beast medal has a Cure spell but I don't really feel like using it. _Loving_ all this new Beauty and the Beast shit going on, by the way.

**Belle:** ...Can you do me one more huge favor?

**Noriko:** 'Sup? Want me to escort you and your dad home?

**Belle:** No, I think I can handle it.

**Noriko:** So they didn't design and or implement your house into the game, is what you're saying.

**Belle:** Basically. But yeah, mind backtracking and checking on Beast for me? I know I saddened him by leaving.

**Noriko:** Sure, I can do that. *takes another metric fuckton of quests to get back into the castle*

~While I'm glad they inserted original KH stuff with Xaldin, I did kind of miss the fact that I never got to kick the shit out of Gaston until the mobile game.~

**Heartless:**   
_Light your torch_   
_Mount your horse_

**Gaston:**   
_Screw your courage to the sticking place_

**Heartless:**   
_We're counting on Gaston to lead the way_

~...What, you think I'm _not_ gonna include every song I can?~

**Noriko:** *sees the state of the enchanted rose* Aw, there's only one more petal left. WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.

**Mrs. Potts:** Pardon me, Master—

**Beast:** Leave me in peace.

**Mrs. Potts:** But sir, Gaston's stealing Shan Yu's gimmick of replacing all his henchmen with Heartless!

**Noriko:** I'm just happy to see him in one of these games, to be honest.

**Mrs. Potts:** What shall we do, Master?

**Beast:** It doesn't matter now. Just let them come.

**Noriko:** Phrasing.

**Mrs. Potts:** Can you believe this shit?

**Noriko:** DO YOU HAVE _ANY_ IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM TO BE PLAYING THIS GAME RIGHT NOW. THE ONLY FLAW IS THE LACK OF OLDSCHOOL DISNEY MUSIC.

**ShieldEcho:** HA, totally typed “magic” instead of “music” just there, that was Freudian.

**Noriko:** *finds a way back outside, slaughtering everything in sight and taking out yet another Search Ghost in one hit* WHY CAN'T I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

**Chirithy:** Oh look, the movie's happening.

**Beast and Gaston:** *are fighting on one of the higher towers*

**Chirithy:** Dude this is so awesome.

**Noriko:** I know right.

**Chirithy:** Looks like Beast is losing.

**Noriko:** Wait how did Gaston get by me.

**Belle:** I don't know but what did I miss — Oh shit.

**Gaston:** What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back?

**Belle:** Wait. Stop don't.

**Enraged Elk:** *bursts from Gaston's body, making him a Nobody suddenly? I'm confused*

**Maurice:** Wow, he really does use antlers in all of his decorating.

**Noriko:** You go that way. I'll go home. *waits for Belle and Maurice to pass*

**Enraged Elk:** *for some reason lets them pass and also for some reason isn't helping Gaston's Nobody(?) kill the Beast but instead is going super nuts*

**Noriko:** *only wastes 100 Jewels this time on a single Continue* Huh, I'm getting good at this.

**Enraged Elk:** Oh I am slain!

**Chirithy:** ...You know, I always wondered how and why Gaston would know that Macbeth quote in the mob song if he hates reading so much.

**Noriko:** Huh, never thought about that.

**Gaston's Nobody(?):** *is still up on the roof looking at the thankfully silent gargoyles* Come on out and fight! Are you in love with her, Beast? Do you honestly think she'd want you, when she had someone like me?

**Beast:** Awkward and literally paper thin reenactment of the movie fight, go! Ah shit, I fell.

**Gaston's Nobody(?):** It's over, Beast! Belle is mine! And this would've been so much cooler if the lightning struck as soon as I said that and not intermittently throughout the quest like it's been doing...

**Beast:** Yeah no. *turns the tables around on him completely until he's holding Gaston's Nobody(?) up by the throat over the edge of the roof*

**Gaston's Nobody(?):** Huh, I just realized the player character never fights Heartless up here, meaning they specifically added this area for this scene and nothing else. Also here's me begging for my life like the huge coward that I am.

**Beast:** Tell me, have you ever read the works of Shan Yu?

**Gaston's Nobody(?):** ...The villain from Mulan?

**Beast:** Quite possibly. _**You wanna meet the real me now?**_

**Gaston's Nobody(?):** *quietly shits himself*

**Beast:** …The real me is far kinder than you'd think. *backs up and places him back down on the roof* Get out.

**Belle:** Such a good movie. Also BEAST! It's only at this point that the creators realized that they didn't give you a name and any name they tried to give you after the fact sounded false!

**Beast:** Yeah, I know, the PC game gave me the name Adam but there's an interview somewhere that says that's not it either. *goes up to her* You came back.

**Gaston's Nobody(?):** *stabs him in the back while he's distracted, loses his footing, and falls to his death...which, if that _was_ his Nobody, and I just killed his Heartless...does that technically mean he's fine?*

**Belle:** *helps drag Beast onto the balcony as Noriko, Lumière, Cogsworth, and Mrs. Potts all show up, and not Chip or Maurice for some reason*

**Noriko:** Hang on, since the game's updated, the battle theme from Aladdin's been stuck on loop from some glitch or other, gimme a sec. *starts listening to the “Transformation” track from the movie just to fit the theme better*

**Beast:** You...You came back.

**Belle:** Of course I came back. I couldn't let them...Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner.

**Beast:** Maybe...it's better...it's better this way—

**Belle:** Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now, everything's gonna be fine, you'll see.

**Cogsworth:** Not a lotta satire going on right now, is there?

**Noriko:** People wanna see this scene ruined, they can go watch the live action remake, I ain't touching the greatest climax Disney ever created in a 2D animated film.

**Cogsworth:** That's fair.

**Beast:** *puts his paw through Belle's hair* At least...I got to see you...one last time... *dies*

**Belle:** No, no! Please! Please don't leave me! *buries her face in his chest* I love you.

**Last petal:** *falls*

**Rain:** *starts to shine with light as Beast rises up into the air, glows brightly, and turns him instantly back into a human with little to no fanfare*

**Noriko:** ...Well that was anticlimactic, excuse me while I rewatch the original again right now...trust Kingdom Hearts to downplay the gravitas of the original scene every goddamn time they try until KHIII does Tangled, which I really liked actually...

**Beast:** Belle...It's me.

**Belle:** *slowly creeps forward, fiddles with his hair, and finally looks into his eyes* It _is_ you!

**Beast:** *kisses her as the demonic furniture dances for joy and the scene is immediately changed to the prince and the princess dancing in the ballroom with only Maurice watching and no one else besides Noriko on the upper level*

**Noriko:** ...Wait, where was Maurice when the climax was happening, he was definitely here in the game version at least, what gives.

**Chirithy:** *pops in* I wanna know why there aren't any other people here. What, they could spare a chibi character design for Maurice and Human!Beast but not Human!Everyone else, that's just lazy. Oh, I've been meaning to inform you—

**Noriko:** Belle's a Princess of Heart, I know, I figured that out for myself.

**Chirithy:** Well, good, then.

**Beauty and the Beast:** *are still dancing*

**Beast's Castle title card:** Be sure to try this section again once the music's fixed. And also when you're strong enough to, you know, actually kill the thing.

**Noriko:** Oh I will. Continue to use my own music because as much as I love and worship Yoko Shimomura I miss the original music.

~Not gonna lie, I still tear up every time I listen to “Transformation,” it's so fucking good.~


	9. Plot Dump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The KHIII parody is going to be forty-five chapters long what is my life:** _Firefly,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _The Simpsons,_ Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged, _Harry Potter, Sword Art Online, Scooby Doo,_ Sword Art Online Abridged, the Rifftrax for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, _Hamilton, JoJo's Bizarre Adventures,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh good, more forced backtracking.~

**Chirithy:** *back in Daybreak Town suddenly* Now that that vaguely important shit happened, back to our day jobs!

**Noriko:** M'kay. *goes to Dwarf Woodlands* Damn it, I thought we were done here. In fact, aside from new Daybreak Town shit, we've kind of hit all the important story points of every planet we've “been” to.

**Chirithy:** We sure have!

**Noriko:** What, padding out shit again to waste our time before the actual plot can kick off again?

**Chirithy:** Basically!

**Noriko:** Great...

**Snow White:** *is in the cabin* Hey, remember how I got rescued by my prince and then went away to live with him? Well I think the excuse is that I'm visiting 'cause they're good friends of mine maybe. I will be pissing off shortly, though.

**Noriko:** All right, good to see you again. *goes outside*

**Doc:** Oh good, we needed a beekeeper.

**Noriko:** Whatever happened to those murder hornets, anyway, that was such a big deal and then suddenly wasn't at all, weird.

**Doc:** Fucking right? You get back to murderin', I gotta return to my soul-crushing existence — I mean my job.

**Chirithy:** You might wanna follow him for the sake of more death.

**Noriko:** You're the boss, boss.

**Happy:** I scared!

**Grumpy:** I'm glad you scared. At least one of us scared.

**Chirithy:** I psychically know we're done here, let's check Wonderland next.

**Noriko:** As long as there's a complete lack of story again. *goes*

**Ace of Hearts:** Hey, you know how bees need to pollinate flowers in order to help them grow? Well we're trying to put a stop to that, mind helping?

**Noriko:** Why not, I love fucking up the ecosystem, climate change is a myth anyway.

**Chirithy:** Well that was fast. We have to go. Our planet needs us.

**Noriko:** Fine by me. *goes and continues the massacre*

**Chirithy:** *meets them at the fountain* You have been _killing_ it lately. Here's a shiny bracelet that will have no negative repercussions associated with it whatsoever.

**Noriko:** IT'S SO SHINY!

**Chirithy:** ...Calm your tits, dude. It's a practical artifact, anyway. It'll protect you when you're in the Corridors of Darkness, which is where we're going next. Don't blame me, take it up with the foretellers.

**Noriko:** Then why didn't you give me this when I was heading to the Underworld?

**Chirithy:** Because shut up. So...Yeah. Do things.

**Noriko:** I will do these things.

**Chirithy:** Hooray.

**Noriko:** Wonder if just wearing my Organization Cloak would have the same effect... *starts going through portals* This legit looks awesome, I really like the design of this place. *eventually runs into a Darkside five million times stronger than any raid boss of the same breed so far in the game* Pfft, I'm not finishing _this_ in two turns any time soon.

**Chirithy:** You could. If you wanted to.

**Noriko:** Nope.

**Chirithy:** Come on, what's fifteen bucks a week?

**Noriko:** It would be way more than that to get the amount of medals that I would want. Each banner/slot machine/loot box is a gamble, even ones that are supposed to be guaranteed within a certain number of terms. Now I know me, and I would not stop until I maxed everything out. And furthermore, what am I supposed to do with all the medals I got repeats of and _don't_ use!? Just sell them for munny? THAT'S NOT FUCKING MONEY, NOW IS IT!?

**Chirithy:** ...Granted...

**Noriko:** I'm of the opinion that this is just a larger experiment to see just how far you can push people, and there's totally a line, and that line is different for each group of consumers. For me personally, the reason that I don't dump _any_ money into this is that I know myself enough to _not trust myself._

**Chirithy:** That's...bizarrely mature of you.

**Noriko:** Thank you. And frankly I'm surprised I didn't need a Continue to beat this quest this time. Thanks, Sweetheart Beast medal! *exits the Corridors of Darkness*

**Chirithy:** Conglaturations on surviving that shit. Let's go sleep-sleeps. Prepare for more of this shit in the future, 'kay?

**Noriko:** Uh-huh.

~...Wait was that just done for the sake of a scenery change without actually going to another planet?~

**Chirithy:** Probably definitely Noriko's Chirithy this time.

**Master Ava:** Huh, figured you would be mine. Also excellent, everything is going according to plan. *walks over to the Master's desk*

**Chirithy:** Question. Why'd you send them on that mission?

**Master Ava:** Needed to know whether or not they could survive it. And they did, meaning they will again.

**Chirithy:** And this is important because...?

**Master Ava:** 'Cause the universe is gonna end soon, meaning the ancient Keyblade War will finally happen, we've been over this. I need to create as many survivors as possible. I need to believe _some_ kind of life will carry on after the inevitable heat death of the universe.

**Chirithy:** Don't let it set in, got it.

~...Oh good, this part...~

**Dude With Green Hair:** Hey.

**Noriko:** Hey, wanna be friends, I'm kind of desperate.

**Dude With Green Hair:** Nah.

**Noriko:** That's fair, I came on too strong, I understand.

**Dude With Green Hair:** No, I don't make friends, I just play to win.

**Chirithy:** “Play to win”? This isn't a game, you know.

**Dude With Green Hair:** …

**Noriko:** …

**Dude With Green Hair:** …

**Noriko:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Chirithy:** What?

**Dude With Green Hair:** ...I'm going to go...not talk to you anymore... *addresses Noriko directly* The foretellers have pushed this whole House rivalry to the point that I don't believe people from other Unions can even hope to hold a civil conversation, let alone be friends. Also it's implied that I'm one of those players that never joined a party. I like seeing that HUD empty, I don't want any other players slowing me down. *leaves*

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Damn it, missed him again.

**Noriko:** You with Kirito over there?

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** How did I never put that together.

**Chirithy:** This character archetype bores me.

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** I half think it's a half-assed attempt to get people who haven't joined a party yet to start trying it.

**Noriko:** Then BOY is it wasted on someone like me who's been teamed up with the same awesome group of people since quest thirty-something.

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Yeah but he's a real swell guy though. Trust me, the person you known for five seconds. Imma follow Kirito now. Byeee! *leaves*

**Chirithy:** Okay, forget about reestablishing the central message of this franchise that friendship is the greatest magic of all, y'all gotta get back to killing shit!

**Noriko:** I. Am. _So_ bored of that shit. Imma go investigate this _new_ shit now. Try and stop me.

**Chirithy:** All right, fine, whatever. *leaves with Noriko*

**Moogle:** Why they gotta be like that, kupo.

**Noriko:** *murders shit around Daybreak Town looking for those nerds*

**Dude With Green Hair:** Hey, get outta here, this is my lux farming spot, trying to pop a guard Armor. I'm up to level 57 and we ain't even that far into the month yet.

**Chirithy:** Hang on, Noriko's technically a silent protagonist, I have to do all their talking for them.

**Noriko:** And fuck you too.

**Dude With Green Hair:** ...The power of friendship in all its glory, I see.

**Chirithy:** Speaking of, your friend was looking for you, Kirito.

**Dude With Green Hair:** Wha — How _dare_ you compare me to that trash!

**Noriko:** Oh shit, we're sorry, seriously, we are unironically sorry. We promise we'll stop. The moment you stop acting _exactly like him._

**Dude With Green Hair:** ...Look, just tell that other guy to stop stalking me, it's getting creepy.

**Noriko:** Dude. I have seen stalking. This is not stalking.

**Dude With Green Hair:** Whatever, there's a new breed of Heartless just begging to be killed. Toodles! *runs off*

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Damn it, I am bad at this. You see where he went?

**Chirithy:** Not really, but apparently there are new monsters aboot.

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Okay, I'll just check in with my Chirithy to find out where.

**Noriko:** You have your own Chirithy?

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Dude. Literally everyone in this game has their own Chirithy.

**Chirithy:** It's true, they do.

**Noriko:** Then why do I never see any others?

**Chirithy:** BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE CAN TALK FOR THEMSELVES YOU FUCKING BITCH!

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Welp, I psychically know he's at Beast's Castle now. Laterz! *leaves*

**Noriko:** ...

**Chirithy:** …

**Noriko:** …

**Chirithy:** ...Yeah okay.

**Noriko:** Yay! *goes*

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** Hey, thanks for the assist!

**Noriko:** No prob, wanna be friends?

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** The kind of friends who never learn each other's names and who you'll probably never see again after this segment? Sure!

**Noriko:** ...Fine, I'll take what I can get.

**White Haired Red Jacket Guy:** All right, gang, let's split up and look for clues!

**Noriko:** M'kay. *checks the castle*

**Belle:** *is still in her ball gown for some reason* 'Sup, nerd! You say we have more home invaders? Well aside from the usual monsters that we didn't get rid of after all, I'd say we have nothing to report.

**Noriko:** About that, why does the castle still look evil and menacing, I thought it changed back after the spell was broken.

**Belle:** HOW 'BOUT YOU CHECK THE FOREST.

**Noriko:** I WAS JUST THERE! *goes anyway*

**Dude With Green Hair:** WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME. Are you a stalker, too?

**Noriko:** ...I met a seven-year-old who would not leave a grown-ass adult alone no matter how much he begged her to do so. She followed him to his home, his place of business, and everywhere else he tried to go, despite everyone telling her to stop. This wasn't because she was concerned for his safety, but because she wanted to. Because she felt entitled to know everything about this random stranger who passed her by once. Because she _could._ Me, I'm just trying to make sure you're still alive and that you don't die.

**Dude With Green Hair:** ...Okay, here's the totally expected truth. I'm just selfishly trying not to let my own heart get broken. Then...Then White Haired Red Jacket Guy has to go come and save me from this really tough boss. He's recovering now in Daybreak Town, but—

**Noriko:** Oh, like how we all magically recover completely at the end of every quest?

**Dude With Green Hair:** … *runs off*

**Chirithy:** This is what happens when you apply logic to this game.

**Noriko:** That's nice, Imma go fight a boss now.

**Chirithy:** Huh boy, how many Jewels are we gonna waste this time.

**Noriko:** Probably still less than five hundred.

**Chirithy:** Okay...

**Huge Snowman:** *is running through the forest*

**Dude With Green Hair:** *bursts into song*  
 _Do you wanna kill a snowman?_

**Noriko:** *also bursts into song*  
 _C'mon, let's go and plaaaay~!_  
*helps him fight it*

**Dude With Green Hair:** I mean, what do you expect from me, it's not like I _care_ about any of this! I mean why would I care? I _shouldn't_ care. I _DON'T_ CARE!

**Noriko:** Shit, need a Continue, hang on a sec.

**Dude With Green Hair:** DAMN IT!

**Noriko:** Sorry, this guy's tough!

**Dude With Green Hair:** ...You know something? I _really...hate...people._ They're _selfish, ignorant,_ loud, obnoxious _pricks_ with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever! I mean really! Look at all they've achieved! Genocide, global warming, reality TV — it's just a never-ending parade of failures and fuck-ups! They are, without question, a complete _write-off_ of a species, _**AND HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THEM!**_

**Noriko:** *kills it after a second continue* ...I kind of agree with a lot of that, but I still like the few people who don't think I'm a waste of space, so...

**Dude With Green Hair:** ...I need a minute. *leaves*

**Chirithy:** Awright, let's never speak of this again.

**Noriko:** Done deal. *goes back to Daybreak Town* Oh, you're still here, are you?

**Dude With Green Hair:** Yeah, about all that shit that just went down...

**Noriko:** I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say your old guild died and you've been reluctant to form new connections based on your past trauma.

**Dude With Green Hair:** Nah, they're all fine, I just didn't want to be around for when that exact scenario inevitably _did_ happen so I just left. Was a real dirtbag about it too so they wouldn't miss me. Unfortunately they were still free to follow me around anyway, like White Haired Red Jacket Guy.

**Noriko:** Boy would it be easier to care about this side plot if you two had names.

**Dude With Green Hair:** I have now learned my lesson, and that lesson is that FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL. *leaves*

**Chirithy:** Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate...leads to the darkness.

**Noriko:** Um, Chirithy, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that?

**Chirithy:** What a guy. I love him so.

**Noriko:** That's nice for you.

~Why is it so hard to name people. They don't have to be important, but you can't expect me to care about them if you don't bother creating a _person._ ~

**Chirithy:** Okay, back to the mindless slaughter.

**Noriko:** Excellent, I'm already bored. *heads to the Dwarf Woodlands, dicks around for a while, psychically knows when it's time to move on, checks out the Underworld, gets even more bored, goes back to Daybreak Town, and sits on the fountain, ever so fucking bored*

**Chirithy:** Been meaning to say, Nice new fur coat and gloves, it goes well with your brown-haired Moana Style and your Mrs. Claus: Earmuffs.

**Noriko:** Thanks, it's the first time I've been super satisfied with my look in a while.

**Chirithy:** So what up, fam?

**Noriko:** Well, let's see. I still don't really know why I'm doing all this shit, I hate blindly following orders, I still don't know if Ephemer is alive or dead or even if we're still friends regardless, and I don't even remember when I hit the level 300 cap but it was a while ago and it kind of killed my desperate scramble for lux by a gargantuan margin. So.

**Chirithy:** Shut up and keep doing the thing, otherwise the other Unions'll outdo Vulpes, and I can't think of anything worse ever in the history of anything!

**Noriko:** WHY DO WE STILL CARE ABOUT THAT GARBAGE.

**Skuld:** You took the words right outta my mouth. *enters through a portal of light*

**Noriko:** How'd you make your voice do that?

**Skuld:** It's not a hundred percent clear. I do agree that House rivalry is bullshit, though. Shouldn't we all work together to save the universe? Wouldn't that be _good_ to do?

**Chirithy:** The fuck're you supposed to be.

**Skuld:** *puts away her Keyblade and sits on the fountain next to Noriko* I'm Skuld. You're Noriko, right?

**Noriko:** Y-Yeah!

**Skuld:** Nice to meet you!

**Noriko:** How do you know who I am?

**Skuld:** Ephemer.

**Noriko:** He's alive?!

**Skuld:** Bugger if I know! We used to be in the same party, proving apparently that I'm in Leopardus as well. Invited him early into my own playthrough, it was great, his use of stickers was masterful and he always had something funny to say in chat. But then one day he just wasn't in the party anymore. No explanation, just abandonment.

**Noriko:** I know that feel.

**Skuld:** Yeah, I felt really betrayed for a while, but then I had a dream about him!

**Chirithy:** Should we be hearing this?

**Skuld:** Well he told me to find you, so...

**Noriko:** For real?

**Chirithy:** But why?

**Skuld:** Iunno. Do you know?

**Noriko:** I do not.

**Skuld:** Well, he told me to stick by you, so...'sup, I guess.

**Noriko:** I had a dream about him a while back, too. He didn't mention you, though, sorry.

**Skuld:** That's okay, really, that's fine. Not like I'm _jealous_ or anything, b-b-baka...

**Noriko:** He _did_ give me an approximate location as to where he might be, however. A foreteller kicked my ass outta there, but I'd be willing to try again with backup.

**Skuld:** Let's fucking go, then!

**Chirithy:** Hey, I got a better idea. How 'bout you go fuck yourself instead. How 'bout you just do that and leave us alone.

**Skuld:** Yeah, that kinda makes me want to go more.

**Chirithy:** But Master Ava kicked us out and told us not to!

**Skuld:** And now I _really_ want to go. Sorry, but I tend to trust my friends over ambiguous authority figures. Aaaaand now the ground's shaking.

**Noriko:** Yep, definitely done with the Blame Daisy Johnson For Everything jokes.

**Skuld:** Pity, it's the first time I'm hearing it.

**Chirithy:** Oh thank fuck, a distraction.

**Noriko:** I'm getting sick of those, too.

**Skuld:** At least this one's plot-relevant. *summons Keyblade* Let's go, Noriko! Hee hee, that rhymes with your chosen name. *runs off*

**Noriko:** *summons own Keyblade and follows her*

**Chirithy:** This'll all end in tears, I just know it.

**Noriko and Skuld:** *are making their way downtown, walking fast*

**Masters Invi and Aced:** *are fighting on the rooftops above them*

**Skuld:** Oh, it's _that_ part of the movie, huh. Good to know when these quests line up.

**Chirithy:** ...Well this ain't good.

**Skuld:** But yeah, back to that dream I had. Ephemer told me that the game was gonna end soon.

**Noriko:** Good, I've sunk more hours into this than any other game and need to move on with my life. And by that I mean to a different game or maybe to another franchise entirely.

**Chirithy:** ...She's only talking about Unchained, dude, you still have to do Union after this. GET HYPE!

**Noriko:** Also I am _sick_ of being told how to feel by you, you subhuman piece of garbage.

**Skuld:** They're kind of right, we have literally who knows how many quests left in total, all of them incrementally released in between long stretches of time.

**Noriko:** FUCK.

**Skuld:** Also something about this planet imploding and an implication that Ephemer's already dead or close to it.

**Noriko:** ...Let's go.

**Skuld:** HOLY SHIT YOU CAN TALK!?

**Chirithy:** That's a record of two sentences I've ever heard them say out loud.

**Skuld:** Fuck, just for that you're in charge.

**Chirithy:** Hold up, that might not be the best—

**Noriko:** So not listening to you. *struts off with Skuld in tow*

**Chirithy:** ...Well I'm not doing my job very well, now am I?

**Noriko, Skuld, and Chirithy:** *run onto the bridge when a bunch of Darklings pop out of a Corridor of Darkness* Exclamation point!

**Darkling #1:** The foretellers made us so obsessed with collecting lux that it was our last conscious thought before we succumbed to darkness.

**Darkling #2:** This is the equivalent of a student in their death throes at the Battle of Hogwarts still going on about House points.

**Darkling #3:** Now prepare to feel the same gravitas at this revelaiton as the end of the original Nier even though you went into this game knowing _exactly_ how Heartless are created.

**Skuld:** Nah, Nomura isn't nearly as good as Yoko Taro.

**Darkling #1:** Fuck you, he totally is!

**Noriko:** *wastes another 300 Jewels on Continues to beat them with Skuld's help* Hey remember how we thought Darklings would show up in KHIII because there was a gargoyle in the shape of one on the box art? Remember when that amounted to fucking _nothing?_

**Darklings:** Conglaturations, you destroyed our collective health bar. *run off*

**Nightmare Chirithy:** *poofs in to prevent Noriko and Skuld from following them*

**Chirithy:** ...Well this ain't good.

**Nightmare Chirithy:** You're just saying that because I'm blatantly evil now.

**Chirithy:** Basically, yes. You Ephemer's or what?

**Nightmare Chirithy:** Pretty sure I'm not. Also I had the cunning plan to take away the thing everyone's fighting for. Eliminate the House Cup — I mean lux, eliminate any and all competition. I'd say it worked out pretty well.

**Chirithy:** Too bad you're a Nightmare now.

**Nightmare Chirithy:** Why, got a problem with purple?

**Chirithy:** Only 'cause in this universe it signifies that you've been corrupted by evil.

**Skuld:** Le gasp!

**Nightmare Chirithy:** Who ever said that we're evil? Maybe from my point of view the Keyblade wielders are evil, you ever think about that?

**Skuld:** Oh not that Episode III shit again, I thought we were done after BBS!

**Noriko:** Actually we hardly included any references in that one.

**Skuld:** Because the references didn't need to be made, I know.

**Nightmare Chirithy:** See, we've been over this dozens of times. Even the “heroes” have made the argument that the brighter the light, the longer the shadow. You _cannot_ have one without the other; both are needed to balance each other out. It's all two sides of the same coin. Light and darkness, day and night, Black and White, Sun and Moon...You can't get the full Pokédex unless you know someone with the other game, do you understand? We all have light and darkness inside us. They went dark. There is nothing wrong with that.

**Chirithy:** WAIT YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THOSE THREE HEARTLESS USED TO BE _PEOPLE!?_

**Nightmare Chirithy:** ...Like all Heartless, yes.

**Noriko and Skuld:** EXCLAMATION POI—wait we knew this.

**Skuld:** No, the big reveal is meant to be that these three were _wielders_ who succumbed to the darkness 'cause they were bad at their jobs or whatever.

**Nightmare Chirithy:** You say that, but you know how you guys need to fight with medals in order to be any good at all? These guys _don't._ I mean, they physically _can't,_ granted, but you saw how powerful they were just now! The one in the fur coat died three times, didn't ya?

**Noriko:** It's true, I did.

**Nightmare Chirithy:** See what I mean? And those guys _sucked_ before, I don't think they even knew how to evolve medals! And look what the power of darkness did for them. Isn't it awesome?

**Chirithy:** Nooooo! It's against the rules!

**Nightmare Chirithy:** But as you well know, sometimes one must break the rules in order to serve the greater good. Also for fuck's sake get out of your safety bubble once in a while and learn something for yourself, like how most of what you're taught barely applies in the real world.

**Chirithy:** Okay, I actually have no idea who you belong to. Who are they and what are they up to.

**Nightmare Chirithy:** Wouldn't you like to know. *poofs away*

**Skuld:** ...Place you last saw Ephemer?

**Noriko:** Place I last saw Ephemer. I wanna change for no reason first, though.

**Skuld:** Go for it.

**Noriko:** *changes into Tink's Fairy Set with blue Aqua style* BEST HAIRSTYLE IN A VIDEO GAME UNTIL I FIND A BETTER ONE.

**Skuld:** OHMAHGAWD YOU'RE SO ADORABLE!

**Noriko:** Okay I'm ready let's go. *goes down into the sewers and goes through a bunch of levels that all look the fucking same*

**Skuld:** Hurry, bitch!

**Noriko:** I'm working on it! Hookay, pretty sure this buncha gears was it.

**Skuld:** Okay, uncharted territory, let's go.

**Chirithy:** I am still super opposed to all of this.

**Noriko:** *pets their head reassuringly* There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

**Chirithy:** Does anyone ever listen to you when you say that?

**Skuld:** You work for them, right? So you know your way around their base, _right?_

**Chirithy:** ...Yeah...

**Skuld:** Awright! It's time for Operation Bust-A-Base!

**Noriko:** HA, forgot about that shit, that's some good shit!

**Chirithy:** It's not, it's dumb and it's lame.

**Noriko:** Which is why it's awesome.

**Chirithy:** Fine, whatever, I'll do the thing. But we're not bustin' no base, we're taking a quick look around and then leaving! Got it?

**Skuld:** Got it! *follows Noriko and Chirithy deeper in*

**Noriko:** *fighting a few Darklings along the way* Why're these ones way less strong than the other ones.

**Chirithy:** *finally guides them down to the room where it happens*

**Skuld:** This the room where it happens?

**Chirithy:** Yep, the room where it happens.

**Noriko:** ...Why do I get the feeling that I saw this place in a movie once.

**Skuld:** 'Cause you did. *walks farther in, taking it all in* You think Ephemer made it this far?

**Chirithy:** Iunno. But look, these aren't the droids you're looking for, you can go about your business, move along.

**Skuld:** ...Kinda expecting more than just a few bookcases and a desk at the end of all this. There can't be anything important down here apart from the abundance of volumes that most likely contain the information we've been seeking this whole time.

**Noriko:** I'm gonna die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy.

**Master Ira:** Is that the faintest whiff of sheer stupidity I smell? Aced, you down there?

**Noriko, Skuld, and Chirithy:** Exclamation point!

**Chirithy:** Oh hi Master Ira.

**Master Ira:** *walks in* Do you think this unicorn mask makes me look effeminate?

**Skuld:** On the contrary, the fact that you're secure enough in your gender identity to go around wearing that makes you look like a sick badass. Also we were looking for a friend of ours, you seen him?

**Master Ira:** *ignores her completely* Chirithy. The fuck.

**Skuld:** Oh that's nice, I'm sure this guy's great.

**Chirithy:** Look, they wouldn't stop asking questions, I'm just trying to prevent more kids from falling to the darkness over here.

**Master Ira:** *walks right by them*

**Skuld:** Fuck, glad I'm not in _his_ Union.

**Master Ira:** Met another kid down here a while back. He with you as well?

**Noriko:** Maybe, if you offered any kind of descriptors so we can truly make sure we're talking about the same person.

**Chirithy and Skuld:** I KEEP FORGETTING YOU CAN TALK.

**Skuld:** And I'm just gonna take it for granted that we're all talking about Ephemer since who else would it be.

**Noriko:** That's fair.

**Master Ira:** Well I did see him, but I don't like the reason why his Union's collecting lux.

**Skuld:** As a member of that Union, I can tell you that we're following the orders of the leader of our Union, just like _literally everyone else in every other Union._

**Master Ira:** You should know that I firmly believe that Ephemer befriended you so that he could get his hands on more information about what we're doing here. Also he's gone now.

**Skuld:** ...As in fell to darkness or is fookin' ded?

**Master Ira:** It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Chirithy:** ...You okay, Noriko?

**Noriko:** …

**Skuld:** THE FUCK, BRO!?

**Master Ira:** What're you gonna do about it?

**Chirithy:** Ignore the quest requirements that spoil the outcome of this cutscene and leave, of course! I accept full responsibility—

**Noriko:** Belay that.

**Chirithy:** What are you doing and why is Dearly Beloved playing.

**Noriko:** _I_ was the one who wanted to look for Ephemer, and also to see out new information about what the fuck the point of this game is. I utterly despise “free-to-play” games with no plot or point to them, because without characters and a story I personally don't see the point in playing except to waste time, and I highly value my time. This game has recognizable characters here and there, but very, _very_ few original ones. As for the plot, when we're not plowing through old and often tired Disney shlock (aside from Beauty and the Beast which I quite enjoyed 'cause it was NEW to Kingdom Hearts), whenever we're teased that there's something more going on, it gets ripped away from us. The first original character that wasn't Chirithy or Ava, one that we got to spend time with, is now gone before we really got a chance to know him. I've maxed out my levels, have slowly been accumulating a decent stockpile of usable medals, most of my Keyblades are pretty strong, I've completed a shitton of adamantite challenges, and I've resisted the urge to spend real-life money into this game; that last one was easier than I thought it would be because _I don't know why I'm playing this game._ Is it to find out about the Keyblade War that's been alluded to for so long in the main franchise? Because I got news for you: I thought that was what BBS was gonna be. And it wasn't. So why should I expect this to finally give me answers when _you people keep denying us at every turn. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE ACTUAL KEYBLADE WAR ITSELF WILL BE ENTIRELY SKIPPED IN THE MOBILE GAME FOR YEARS ANYWAY._ *pauses* Also I still kinda believe that Ephemer and I truly were friends, or at least working toward a mutual goal, 'cause I kinda felt that I was using him to get information too. Though if he _did_ end up either dying/falling to darkness, it _would_ explain why he didn't show the next day...Oh, that's right, _you_ did that, didn't you? *steps forward* Guess what? I feel grief over the loss of my friend, and I'm not gonna just smile through that. Not for a long time. As for how I feel about you? I believe you need to be punished for what you've done. There's a fine line between justice and revenge, and I don't really care about the difference right now. I don't care how many jewels I waste on Continues. If I can land even one physical wound on you that will make you understand how my emotional ones are making my chest ache, that will be enough for me. *gets into a battle stance* So. Let's do this.

**Master Ira:** *summons Keyblade* Come at me, bro.

**Chirithy:** Huh boy.

**Noriko:** *wanders around the office before attacking, completely breaking the mood* Wonder if that's the Book of Prophecies just lying around on the desk behind him. Apparently I no longer really care due to my roaring rampage of revenge. *needs 400 jewels to defeat Ira; then again only 300 was actually needed but I got kicked out of the app after using the first Continue so that's that first one hundred wasted on nothing* WORTH IT. YAY I BEAT HIS HEALTH BAR why am I only now regaining consciousness outside the room where it happens.

**Skuld:** I don't know, but did you like how I didn't back you up at all?

**Noriko:** Yeah, no, that was great. *sits up*

**Master Ira:** *vanishes his Keyblade* Conglaturations, that wasn't completely terrible. *glows brightly for a sec* You thought you were fighting Ira, BUT IT WAS ME, AVA!

**Chirithy:** GASP!

**Master Ava:** Yep. *heals Noriko*

**Noriko:** ...Thanks I guess. I'm still mad and sad, though.

**Master Ava:** Oh good, this should make things worse, then. You know those holograms Ephemer told you about? That whole fight was just that, as was the Room Where It Happens.

**Skuld:** Hey, I got a great idea, how 'bout you go fuck yourself.

**Master Ava:** Hey, hear me out. This planet is gonna explode pretty soon. Now I can't save everyone, but I am bound and determined to save as many as I can. I've been rounding up those with what I believe to be this world's strongest hearts, capable of withstanding any implosion, uncaring what their favorite animal was at the start of all this.

**Skuld:** Does not compute, does not compute, abort, retry, fail. Also Ephemer, please tell me you were lying about him, too.

**Master Ava:** Welp, like Noriko, he's not a complete fucking idiot, so he too went in search of the plot, confident that Square Enix would make it just as convoluted and impossible to understand without charts as the rest of the series. So, in point of fact, I named him my successor, since I personally don't plan to make it out of this whole mess. He's leading all the guys I've recruited. I calls 'em the Dandelions.

**Skuld:** Well that explains the party names of nearly everyone in first place for lux collection week to week.

**Master Ava:** Doesn't it? But to finally answer your question, Ephemer's fine, he's busy helping me save as many as I can.

**Skuld:** YOU COULD'VE LED WITH THAT.

**Master Ava:** Yeah, ain't I a stinker? Doesn't change the fact that this planet's gonna implode soon, though, and there are still so many people we can save.

**Skuld:** Okay, I'm convinced. You convinced, Noriko?

**Noriko:** Mostly. I still find myself caring for those left behind, though.

**Master Ava:** ...That Keyblade War you're so desperate to learn about? They're all gonna be in that.

**Skuld:** ...Well this sucks.

**Master Ava:** Yeah, we figure that any attempt to stop it would just result in a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway, so...

**Noriko:** But at least then you'd be making some sort of effort. *sighs* I wanna live, but I also have a saving-people-thing that'll make me feel super guilty about _any_ life I don't save.

**Skuld:** That's a fair argument, but I'm on the side of you can't save absolutely everyone so try to save everyone you can.

**Master Ava:** Both valid points. Take all the time you need to make your decision, I say as we steadily run out of time to even exist. Just don't tell anyone, all right? Unnecessary panic could lead to the final battle happening _way_ fucking sooner.

**Noriko, Skuld, and Chirithy:** Yeah, no, totally.

~Wonder if Ava beats the shit out of everyone she recruits.~

**Chirithy:** *sitting on the fountain with Noriko and Skuld* ...No but why aren't you joining the Dandelions though. I thought the whole point was to see Ephemer again.

**Noriko:** That was like thirty percent of the point. The rest of it was figuring out the point of this whole fucking game, and now that I hear that it will be leading up to the Keyblade War I'm like five million times happier. Finally, a few more questions as to what exactly happened will be answered even as it's completely denied to us since the jump to Union will skip it entirely but for a side quest that'll only show up literal years after I've stopped playing.

**Skuld:** Story time!

**Noriko:** Oh good.

**Skuld:** I decided to start my own party when I became a wielder, but no one ever joined. Guess no one got my _JoJolion_ references because no one had read that far yet. Except Ephemer. He requested to join instead of me begging other people to join. And eventually, once they noticed that it wasn't just the one lonely person, others consented to join as well, so it was no longer just me and Ephemer running around the HUD. I don't know if anyone else got the references, but enh. We got a _shitton_ of lux, let me tell ya, enough that none of us used to chat as much as we used to. Then one day, that little red exclamation point pops up on my HUD next to the chat icon, I tap it, and Ephemer's sent the Peter Pan “Bye!” sticker. *sighs* Guess with one party member leaving, just like with one joining, that enabled the other sheep to just...follow the real leader, I guess. Pretty soon, it was just me again, alone on the HUD. And I still managed to kick all kinds of ass, even getting sick party prizes even though I was the only one in my party. And then Ephemer proves he still gave a shit because he enabled us to meet, and we're totally besties now, right?

**Noriko:** Of course!

**Skuld:** Yeah...I think I'm more attached to Ephemer since I've known him longer, so I'm gonna go ahead and join the Dandelions so I can hang with him again.

**Noriko:** Sounds fine by me, I may or may not join you eventually.

**Skuld:** Got it. *shakes Noriko's hand* Now get outta here so Ava can recruit the rest of us.

**Noriko:** Okay BYEEE! *flees*

~Usually I'm able to absorb most of the shit in _JoJo_ by reminding myself that the word “Bizarre” is in the fucking title, but recent _JoJolion_ chapters broke my fucking brain. That series is so stupid I love it.~

**Master Ava:** *is standing in front of the fountain and addressing a bunch of really basic NPC characters and also Skuld* Our secret club will now speak in broad daylight about our activities. I already told Invi about this so Ira won't bother us but I don't know what you're gonna tell any of the other random kids that might walk by and overhear this, and frankly I don't really care, this is more important. You kids are our hope for the future, that life may continue on after the apocalypse.

**Skuld:** After hanging out with Noriko all day I'm a bit saddened to see maybe like two people here with a slightly darker skin tone, what's up with that.

**Master Ava:** Now, everyone wants to protect the universe from its inevitable implosion, but no one knows the best way to go about doing that, and thus will escalate immediately to violence in order to defend their beliefs, considering that the brain registers an alternate argument as an actual physical attack if you disagree too strongly with it on a fundamental level. I want you to stay out of that conflict as much as possible, but beyond that I honestly don't know how much I can do to help. Anyone can succumb to darkness, and I've only chosen all of you because you're _less_ likely to do so. Everyone's a loser in their own way, except for this group right here, who will stay out of the conflict altogether and fuck off to space, hopefully finding a new universe where you'll be able to repopulate. So don't fuck this up, let all your friends outside of this group die, and may your hearts be your guiding keys.

**All of the children:** ...Well that was cheerful.

~Still can't believe _this_ is where the fucking movie ended...~


	10. Loose Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Dentist appointments during pandemics are fun, easy, and completely stress free:** _Scooby Doo,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, The Hobbit, Harry Potter, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ “War Isn't Cool” from Aunty Donna The Album, _Doctor Who,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Oh yeah, we should wrap this up, shouldn't we.~

**Aladdin:** *wakes up at night in the middle of the desert* The fuck did I get here and how am I not frozen to death. Also I still miss mah pet-pet.

~I'm pretty sure that if this was the only thing happening with Agrabah or if they'd just done the movie right from the get-go, I wouldn't be so annoyed with this section.~

**Noriko:** I appear to be here now. GUESS WE'LL JUST IGNORE ALL THAT IMPORTANT PLOT SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED! BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL, APPARENTLY! Damn this makes more sense if shit was spaced out over several months like it was when it was released; it does _not_ work as well when you're going through the whole story in one go while editing. *is still rockin' the brown Moana style, but has also changed to the Shiki Misaki outfit with Aqua sleeves and no hat. And that is the outfit they will be finishing this game in. Not too shabby*

**Guard B:** Looking for Aladdin, huh? That street rat's usually holed up in the alley past the bazaar. Check there.

**Noriko:** I didn't ask but thanks I guess.

**Guard A:** Just go west through the bazaar to get to the alley. But be careful. It ain't exactly safe.

**Noriko:** Everyone's psychically helpful today, that's nice. Whoa, new area, nice! *takes a weirdly long time to get to Aladdin's place* Hey, Aladdin!

**Aladdin:** Hey. I have no fucking idea where Abu is. *pulls out random shiny rocks*

**Noriko:** Damn, thought that would be the lamp. And not a pile of bullshit.

**Aladdin:** Yeah, I thought these would act as like a homing beacon for some reason. I don't even know what that is.

**Noriko:** Maybe use them to go find him?

**Aladdin:** Tried that, nearly died out in the desert. And if I die, then no one can look for Abu.

**Noriko:** That's a good point. I was gonna offer a half-hearted “git gud,” but—

**Aladdin:** I NOW HAVE THE CONFIDENCE I NEED TO SUCCEED.

**Noriko:** … *head tilt* Okay...?

**Aladdin:** Help me though.

**Noriko:** Oh, okay, that makes more sense.

**Aladdin:** Okay, let's split up and look for clues!

**Noriko:** M'kay. *goes to look around*

**Guard B:** Hey you look like you're busy, wanna do this thing for us instead?

**Noriko:** Why not, I don't have friends to save.

**Guard B:** Okay, there's a bunch of monkeys in the oasis—

**Noriko:** THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR THANK YOU AND GOOD-BYE. *goes back to Aladdin* Yo. Al. Thing.

**Aladdin:** Aww, Abu may well have tried to return to his own kind. Let's steal him back again!

**Noriko:** Why is theft always your go-to move?

**Aladdin:** 'Cause I steal everything? *bursts into song*  
 _I feel that it's my duty_  
 _To steal, 'cause stealing's an art_  
 _I'll steal clothing and shelter_  
 _Whatever I lack_  
 _Candy from babies_  
 _The shirt off your back_  
 _Credit, identities_  
 _Thunder and scenes_  
 _Intellectual property_  
 _Whatever that means_  
 _And if you look closer_  
 _This poor little orphan_  
 _Will steal your heart!_

**Noriko:** ...Suddenly I wish to be less helpful.

**Guard B:** Hey, no monkeying around. Geddit? Do ya geddit?

**Noriko:** Fuck you. *makes it to the oasis* Oh, they finally put Powerwilds in the game, that's what they meant, okay, yeah we should save Abu.

**Aladdin:** THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN FUCKING SAYING. Aaaaaaaand he's still not here.

**Noriko:** Dude we just got here.

**Aladdin:** I know, there's more desert where the layout is purposefully made to be confusing and makes the “kill everything” quota for each quest super hard to get. Wanna try it?

**Noriko:** Meh, why the fuck not.

**Aladdin:** All right, great.

**Noriko:** Damn it, these areas _are_ hard to keep straight in your head — Oh _fuck_ this Cannoned Camel, that's another hundred Jewels wasted...Wait, did the entire game just fucking change?

**Game:** ...I mean, yes, but since the original browser game finished up the shit with Abu before, y'know, _actually ending,_ can we hold off on incorporating shit until then?

**Noriko:** ...Yeah sure. *goes through the story quests before trying Union Cross's new shit, but not before changing into the Miss Bunny set with the Happi Coat: Sash and Timothy whispers because it was around Easter at the time of this update so fuck you the previous outfit went back on once the holiday was over; also with the update came new skin tones so switched to the second darkest with freckles and changed the eye color to the last blue one on the list* Finally, a blue-eyed option I like! Now if only more hair styles had blue as a choice, I like blue...

**Aladdin:** Well that was a bust. *leads Noriko back to his pad where a bunch of Bandits are waiting for them* Well, this doesn't bode well.

**Noriko:** Why do they have the same rubies you have?

**Aladdin:** 'Cause those're mine. AND NOW THEY'RE LEAVING great, that was my one lead...

**Noriko:** Want me to kill 'em?

**Aladdin:** Please.

**Noriko:** M'kay.

**Aladdin:** You go that way. I'll go home.

**Noriko:** You fucking _are_ home, you fuck.

**Guard A:** Yo shit's bad now, we need to guard the location you'll never get to see.

**Noriko:** That's nice for you. *kills the appropriate Bandits eventually and meets Aladdin back at his place...that sounded wrong*

**Aladdin:** It's great that we got the rubies back—

**Noriko:** _We!?_

**Aladdin:** —but I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Maybe if I wish on them — HOLY SHIT THAT WORKED!?

**Noriko:** Anything to avoid actually inserting the Genie until an insane amount of time later, huh.

**Rubies:** *fly out of Aladdin's hand and float away*

**Aladdin:** ...We should follow those now.

**Noriko:** Okay, but only because it's narratively convenient. *watches Aladdin run off*

**Chirithy:** *poofs in* ...I know the lamp wasn't red, but do some elements of those rubies make up the material and/or magic of the lamp?

**Noriko:** Fuck're you asking me for, I don't know shit.

**Chirithy:** ...Well do the thing, I guess?

**Noriko:** I'm really starting to hate this stupid monkey, and I was never a huge fan of him to begin with. *leaves as Chirithy poofs away* Wow, we teleported to the desert right quick, didn't we.

**Aladdin:** IT IS NIGHT NOW. And now the rubies are fucking everywhere, lighting up the sands. I _could_ start taking a bunch of 'em to try and pay for food and water for me and Abu when we get back, but...enh...

**Noriko:** *cannot kill all of the things as usual does because it's super hard to _find_ all of the things in order to kill them* Am I gonna have to look at fucking walkthroughs for this shit or what?

**Aladdin:** Oh look, what should be the Tiger Head cave that is really just a cave with no Tiger Head whatsoever showed up, without either of the scarabs needed to summon it, as per usual. Sure hope Abu's a diamond in the rough! Come on!

**Noriko:** ...Sure hope _I'm_ a diamond in the rough...How the fuck can Heartless get down here, are _they_ diamonds in the rough!? *goes down like four different staircases and through like four different doorways, or so it seems from the number of quests*

**Aladdin:** Look! A doorway!

**Noriko:** You mean like the ones we just came through?

**Aladdin:** Hey, if Abu wasn't through this one, why would there be a cutscene?

**Noriko:** I don't know, how 'bout you go back and ask me that during all the other times you thought we found Abu.

**Aladdin:** Well guess what, here's that one specific Red Bandit again.

**Noriko:** ...You know what, fair enough. Can I kill?

**Aladdin:** You can kill.

**Noriko:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! *uses a borrowed Illustrated KHII Kairi medal with the Second Chance ability* ...HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T CONTINUE THIS TIME I LOVE THIS MEDAL!

**Abu:** *comes out of the cave and attacks the Not Quite Dead Red Bandit*

**Aladdin:** BUDDY! HUGGLE BUGGLES!

**Abu:** HUGGLE BUGGLES! Wait, who's that bitch?

**Aladdin:** The person who helped save your fucking life?

**Abu:** ...Oh.

**Aladdin:** Yeah.

**Abu:** Well now I'm just jealous.

**Aladdin:** Why? She doesn't even go here, and you're my designated Disney animal sidekick™.

**Abu:** I'm instantly sated.

**Aladdin:** Good. Noriko, Abu, Abu, Noriko.

**Abu:** Hey.

**Noriko:** Hey.

**Aladdin:** OKAY LET'S LEAVE NOW.

**Abu:** This is a good plan, and I am interested in your terms.

**Noriko:** *follows them back to the bazaar*

**Aladdin:** Must you away, 'ere break of day?

**Noriko:** In all honesty, I expected more princess shit as compared to searching for your dumb pet that no one likes when he's not an elephant.

**Aladdin:** OKAY BYEEEE!

**Abu:** Yes, please leave.

**Aladdin:** You'll still be back to farm shit and eventually continue the actual movie plot, right?

**Noriko:** That reminds me, I should take this month of zero AP to farm for fairy medals... _Naaaah._

**Aladdin:** You have fun not doing that. *runs off with Abu*

**Chirithy:** *poofs in* THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS WHAT REALLY LED THE WAY IN THAT DARK DESERT, BECAUSE _FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF—_

**Noriko:** Go fuck yourself.

**Chirithy:** No, don't you see? By following his heart, Aladdin was able to find Abu!

**Noriko:** Yes, because that's how missing persons cases are solved. By _following their hearts._ And if it fails, they just didn't care enough about the other person. What a great lesson to teach the kids.

**Chirithy:** Dude, I'm trying to make you feel better by saying you'll run into Ephemer again, work with me here.

**Noriko:** No.

**Chirithy:** …

**Noriko:** …

**Chirithy:** ...Wanna wrap up Unchained X?

**Noriko:** Yes. Yes I do.

~A few months later...~

**Rain:** *pours down*

**Tiny grey hearts:** *rise up into the sky*

**Noriko:** *laying on the ground in the middle of the Keyblade Graveyard* I wonder if this is foreshadowing anything.

~A few days ago...Like, after the few months but not quite at that scene yet I guess...~

**Noriko and Chirithy:** *are walking down a set of stairs in Daybreak Town*

**Noriko:** *sees two people fighting by the fountain* Huh boy.

**Chirithy:** It's implied that fighting amongst ourselves has become commonplace. Doesn't make me like it any more, though...

**Noriko:** Then let's try and stop them.

**Chirithy:** Nah. Not worth bothering with.

**Noriko:** ...You're kind of a piece of shit, you know that?

**Chirithy:** See, if we don't fix anything, then they'll keep arguing.

**Noriko:** THEN LET'S INTERCEDE.

**Chirithy:** You know this is kind of an MMO, right, people are argumentative dicks on the internet all the time, just get used to it.

**Noriko:** Or we could take steps to reduce toxicity levels—

**Chirithy:** Nah. Too hard.

**Noriko:** Man _fuck_ you.

**Two randos they were watching argue:** *draw their puny Keyblades indicating that they didn't get all that far in the plot or at least never bothered upgrading*

**Chirithy:** Exclamation point!

**Noriko:** Stepping in. *steps in and blocks them from attacking each other*

**Chirithy:** I SAID DON'T GET INVOLVED, DIPSHIT! Actually, it'd be great if all of this could just stop — we're supposed to be fighting Heartless, not each other! And friendly sparring matches between friendly friendship friends are just utterly unheard of!

**White-haired person:** Yeah but they stole our Lux! And we all know House Points are the only things that matter!

**Brown-haired person:** And could you explain to me exactly _how_ one steals Lux? Could it just be that your Union has fewer members and that everyone else is in Vulpes? But enough about logic, I'm just going to randomly accuse your entire union of falling into darkness. Good job, loser.

**White-haired person:** Hey! Them's fightin' words!

**Two randos:** *gear up to fight each other*

**Noriko:** Or we could _not_ do that... *gets in between them again*

**Chirithy:** Oi! Didja ever think all this infighting might be the thing that sends you spiraling into darkness?

**Brown-haired person:** Unpossible!

**Skuld:** *runs in* STAHP!

**Noriko:** Hey! Boy is it good to see _you_ again!

**Chirithy:** Maybe if we check their Chirithies, we can see whether or not they have slightly darker fur/have turned completely into Nightmares...

**Brown-haired person:** THERE'S NO TIME! Also what's your Union, so that I may blame you for everything if your favorite animal is different from my favorite animal.

**Skuld:** ...Oh yeah, now I _really_ want to tell you. Can't we all just murder Heartless?

**White-haired person:** I'm still convinced that Lux is being stolen to make up for my Union's constantly shitty performance.

**Skuld:** That is not how this game works! Either git gud or transfer like everyone else!

**Four other randoes:** *rush in*

**Long-haired person:** I DESIRE THE SIGHT OF HUMAN BLOOD!

**Skuld:** ...Well this got dark.

**Aced:** It was always going to be. This is a prequel, after all, with recognizable survivors that can be counted on one hand probably.

**Noriko, Chirithy, Skuld, and all six randos:** Exclamation point!

**Aced:** House pride is the only thing that matters in this world. Anyone in a Union other than your own can go fuck themselves. And as for those who have fallen into darkness — it's impossible to tell unless you look at their Chirithy, which we're not going to do because fuck you. And stop fighting over Lux; you can be super strong and just not really feel like grinding that week because after you hit level three hundred it really doesn't feel like it matters all that much apart from rankings which few really care about in the end. No — what matters is whether or not you can completely max out any and every mission that comes up, especially in Proud mode. Actually being able to kill any Heartless you encounter...that is strength within this game.

**Noriko:** Well you're not wrong.

**Aced:** And a strong Union is proof of justice.

**Noriko:** ...Okay, you lost me.

**Skuld:** Me too, frankly. *steps forward*

**Aced:** How do you not get it? You're a Dandelion, aren't you? Didn't Ava hand-pick you as one of the strongest of your Union? Because she wants to lead _all_ Unions, one of them being the best of the best, just so she could show off.

**Skuld:** ...Did you not see Back Cover? That was the role _your_ Master gave to her, just like he told you to take over for Master Ira should he fuck up down the line!

**Noriko:** *also steps forward* Time to speak aloud for the first time since...well, since the last time I hung out with you, Skuld. Anyway, I turned down the Dandelions, but I'm still friends with Skuld, and with another person not even in my Union. I don't care which animal we all thought was the coolest when we'd started; they're my friends regardless.

**Aced:** You don't look like one of mine, because we keep _such_ close tabs on every one of our members. Whose are you?

**Noriko:** ...Still Master Ava's. I'm from Vulpes.

**Aced:** And for that you must die. *summons Keyblade*

**Noriko:** ...This looks like a three hundred jewel fight right here...Or it would be if I were to actually play it and not just watching gameplay from the original. I mean, it _will_ cost me three hundred when the flashback dream of this moment happens, but that won't be for like a hundred more quests.

**Aced:** *technically wins regardless*

**Noriko:** *is knocked to the ground*

**Skuld:** Dude, you good?

**Aced:** *bursts into song*  
 _You're unsuited for_  
 _The rage of war_  
 _So pack up, go home_  
 _You're through—_

**Ira:** Oh fuck off with this shit. *walks through the small crowd toward Aced*

**Aced:** Oh. _You._ Here to tell me off again, are you?

**Ira:** ...Yes! You're supposed to be one of the leaders, and here you are, beating up children with only a year's experience tops to make yourself feel superior!

**Aced:** *vanishes his Keyblade* I don't _need_ to feel superior, I _am_ superior! I didn't _need_ to fight this child, I just wanted to!

**Ira:** _Which is part of the problem._ I'm only here because I was afraid you weren't going to stop!

**Aced:** And why should I? We can't stop the coming conflict, you know that as well as I do. So why not just get it over with already? Invi, Gula, Ava...even you, Ira. All of you are becoming increasingly obsessed with getting the most House Points. The House Point system _itself_ is what started this whole conflict, and all of _you_ were the ones to aggravate it by encouraging all this open rivalry.

**Ira:** So your solution, again, is to beat up a bunch of children to make yourself feel stronger?

**Aced:** Ish. I'm not bothering with House Points anymore; all my Union members are evidently maxed out. And I plan to gather more soldiers than anyone else, I don't care how many members Vuples had at this point in reality. And once everyone's switched to _my_ Union, well, there really only needs to be one leader if everyone's in the same group, wouldn't you say?

**Ira:** Is that a threat?

**Aced:** Hell yeah it is, I want you four _gone._ Then everyone else can finally relax and do shit without having to worry about fucking House Points. And you always thought _I_ was the dumb one when I'm the one who came out with the bestest smartest plan.

**Ira:** We only think you're dumb because you _are!_ You're so obsessed with gaining raw, physical strength that you've forgotten that FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST—

**Aced:** Oh none of us have been friends for a while now, not since you accused one of us of being a traitor. I'll see you at...I don't know, some deserted landscape somewhere, probably somewhere on this planet, it's _this_ world that's meant to end after all. *creates a Lane Between and leaves*

**Ira:** Stop, don't, come back.

**Everyone but Noriko, Chirithy, and Skuld:** *also leaves*

**Skuld:** ...I feel like I'm missing out on a whole bunch of context.

**Ira:** BOY ARE YOU. *turns to her, Noriko, and Chirithy*

**Skuld:** ...Master Ava mentioned the planet imploding, but she didn't say how. We gonna have a big fight, or...?

**Ira:** Yep, the “Ancient Keyblade War” is finally gonna happen. Cool, right?

**Skuld:** No, war _isn't_ cool! War isn't cool! War is only bad and it makes me sad!

**Ira:** Does it though?

**Skuld:** Yes! Vietnam?

**Skuld, Norkio, and Chirithy:** Not cool!

**Noriko:** World War II?

**Skuld, Norkio, and Chirithy:** Not cool!

**Chirithy:** The Boer War?

**Skuld, Norkio, and Chirithy:** Not cool!

**Skuld:** World War Z?

**Skuld, Norkio, and Chirithy:** Script problems!

**Ira:** Oh get over yourselves, it's _fine._

**Skuld:** *gets up* It's a fucking _war!_ Master Ava basically said everyone would die! And now I'm finding out that everyone is going to _kill each other!?_ Over _fucking HOUSE POINTS!?_

**Ira:** I also wish there was a less stupid reason for this conflict, but there isn't. *begins to walk away but stops* Look, I've pretty much accepted my own possible demise or at least time displacement some time ago. I suggest you either piss off with the rest of the group Ava's been building or accept your own coming deaths as well. *also leaves through a Lane Between*

**Noriko:** ...Nope. *collapses fully to the ground*

**Skuld:** Oh great.

**Noriko:** *standing in the middle of the Keyblade Graveyard* ...The edges of the screen are fuzzy so this is probably a dream. *looks around and sees a bunch of hooded figures* ...'Kay...Everyone getting their Organization cosplay on, I see...Hold up, all of the Keyblades are already here, am I actually seeing the end of KHIII begin or something!?

**Screen:** *fades to black*

**Noriko:** Exclamation point! *screen fades back in and everyone's gone*

**Massive beam of light:** *shines overhead, illuminating Noriko*

**Noriko:** ...That's straight up meant to be Kingdom Hearts: Ultra Moon, isn't it.

**Chirithy:** My desire to let them sleep is warring with my desire to elbow drop them.

**Skuld:** Please to refrain from the elbow drop.

**Noriko:** *is laying in bed with Skuld on a chair beside them and Chirithy on the sill on the other side of the bed*

**Chirithy:** Hey thanks for dragging them back here for me, they are _heavy._

**Skuld:** No prob. Honestly, I was worried about what would've happened if I'd left them there. Fights are breaking out everywhere, everyone's more toxic than ever, and they're presenting very femininely most of the time; I know first-hand how fucking hard that is to deal with, and I never get the option to change anything about my appearance. Of course they should be able to wear whatever they want and still be accepted, but...sometimes it just seems easier to do something else just to avoid getting hassled, you know?

**Chirithy:** It depends on whether you're more concerned with make other people comfortable or if you want to allow _yourself_ to feel comfortable.

**Skuld:** I have a feeling it's not that simple in most circumstances...Anyway, this is depressing me so I'm gonna change the subject: How're the rest of the masters doing right now? We saw Aced and Invi fighting a while back and I don't think I've seen Gula once the entire game so far.

**Chirithy:** Yeah, shit's fucked. I don't think I know about the missing page or the suspected traitor, but things are _not_ great.

**Skuld:** I feel like it would have been so much better to have to interact far more with our Union leaders, and as tensions continued to rise amongst the five of them, said tensions would bleed over to the rest of the wielders since children are remarkably adept at picking out things like that. I don't think I would've minded this escalation so much were that the case; instead we're all gonna die over fucking House Points.

**Noriko:** ...You think Ephemer's falling for any of that shit?

**Chirithy:** ...How long have you been awake.

**Noriko:** Long enough.

**Skuld:** I'm sorry if I overstepped at any point.

**Noriko:** You did not, don't worry. Also have you at least _seen_ Ephemer lately?

**Skuld:** Master Ava's got him on some secret mission, so no. Hell, I've been busting my own ass to make sure as many Dandelions avoid the fight as possible.

**Noriko:** Even though you just learned it was gonna be a fight?

**Skuld:** I knew there was an event that I had to make people avoid. Now that I know what it is...I honestly don't know if this'll make the process easier or much, _much_ harder. I mean, it's not like we have nuclear power so how's a giant war meant to destroy the planet, unless the whole end of the world thing was actually a metaphor for everyone dying this whole time...Also Ava's recently disappeared, so we're all scrambling without a leader ourselves.

**Noriko:** That's not a good.

**Chirithy:** No it is not. But considering she protected Gula from Aced for an extended period of time, there's a chance that he might know something. Hell, he might be returning the favor right now for all we know. He might _have_ to return the favor, considering how Aced was talking about the Dandelions earlier...

**Noriko:** *sits up* Let's get Gula finally involved in the game, then.

**Chirithy:** *hops onto the bed* And how exactly do you think that'll make any difference at all?

**Noriko:** *gets off the bed* THERE'S NO TIME! Also who cares, plot stuff.

**Skuld:** Welp, can't argue with that!

**Chirithy:** YES YOU CAN!

**Noriko:** *pats Chirithy's head* I implore you to reconsider.

**Chirithy:** Hmm. Okay!

**Noriko:** And now I'm outside in Daybreak Town because we have to take our sweet time getting there. Hooray for padding!

**Chirithy:** So Gula doesn't really use the tower all that much considering that's the first place Aced would look for him and prefers squatting in whatever empty houses are available.

**Noriko:** Good to know. *meanders around town until they run into Skuld in the browser game, whereas when they finally added it to the mobile game they just said fuggit only do cutscenes*

**Skuld:** Hey, I found an empty house!

**Chirithy:** No, I did. Wait which version is this.

**Skuld:** Who cares, what's important is that it's not home invasion if no one lives there, right?

**Noriko:** Who knows. *goes in with Skuld and Chirithy* ...This is a dark room which immediately makes me think it'll be important in the future.

**Skuld:** It's just a quiet, dark room, they don't all look the same.

**Noriko:** *steps a little further in* You're right, that lamp will not be in the scene I'm thinking of, never mind.

**Gula:** Pity, it's a nice lamp, isn't it. *steps out of the shadows*

**Chirithy:** Master Gula! You're alive!

**Gula:** Always the tone of surprise.

**Chirithy:** Hold up, is this that warehouse from the movie?

**Gula:** Don't think so, I don't think this desk or lamp were there. So. There aren't any Heartless here, and if there were I would've dealt with them, so clearly you're not here for House Points. Are you a couple of Ava's Dandelions?

**Skuld:** I am, yes.

**Noriko:** …

**Gula:** Which means you'll be wondering where Ava is.

**Skuld:** Exactly!

**Gula:** Cool. Why.

**Skuld:** Because, since Aced's on the fucking warpath, I'm pretty sure we have good reason to be worried about her! And also—

**Gula:** And also you want to ask if there's a way to _not_ have the entirety of the planet's population murder themselves over trivialities? Because I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the rest of us pretty much gave up on trying to change anything a while ago, lest we risk a self-fulfilling prophecy. Which is why it's kind of pointless to tell you anything, honestly, since none of us will be able to change any of it.

**Skuld:** But we're all Keyblade wielders! We all presumably have some form of saving-people-thing! We can't just sit back and watch everyone die when we have the power to do something about it! Besides, the whole point of the Dandelions is to grab as many people as we can to get them _away_ from the coming conflict!

**Gula:** Which means that Ava's fulfilled her role. You and she are, like, the exact same person character-wise, way to have female characters have diverse personalities, Nomura. But there is one thing that every hero must learn at one point in their lives, and that is that you cannot save everyone. I mean, _maybe_ the Master could do it, but—

**Skuld:** Wait, what're you talking about, _you're_ a Master. Which means _you_ can—

**Gula:** No, _not_ me, I'm talking about the Master of Masters. Our old boss.

**Skuld:** Great, where are they?

**Gula:** Oh, he—

**Skuld:** He, sorry.

**Gula:** It's fine, I don't think he would've minded. But no, he dead. Probably. I mean, there wasn't a body, but when is there one, you know? Anyway, if he _is_ alive, Luxu might know.

**Chirithy:** Oh yeah, he exists, I keep forgetting. And then the twist of who he was the whole time slams into my brain again.

**Skuld:** *long-suffering sigh* And Luxu is?

**Chirithy:** There are five Unions but there were six students of the Master of Masters. Luxu didn't get to pick an animal motif for some reason; he only ever wore an Organization cloak, just like his Master. He fucked off too, didn't he?

**Gula:** Yep, and he actually left as opposed to whatever happened to the Master.

**Skuld:** So where'd he go?

**Gula:** You Ava's relative or something? Merlin...

**Skuld:** Ava's searching for Luxu, then?

**Gula:** Yep, she wants to know if the Master really _can_ stop shit. And also if he's even still alive, kind of an important detail there...

~Thought it was Gula's plan by the end of the movie to bring back the Master of Masters, but I guess it's Ava's now.~

**Luxu:** *is chillaxing on that one grassy cliff overlooking Daybreak Town*

**Ava:** Hey Luxu.

**Luxu:** Hey Ava.

**Ava:** I thought you were meant to be dragging that black box across a wasteland or some shit.

**Luxu:** Well, watching over the black box is my main role, but I also have to watch everything.

**Ava:** Thought that was Invi's job.

**Luxu:** That was meant to be focused on the other four of you. My shit's a bit broader.

**Ava:** Are you allowed to explain? Since I'm not even supposed to know about the black box?

**Luxu:** ...Guess so. *stands up* The Book of Prophecies was only able to be written because I'm to live out my very long life in the future and basically report back through some wibbley wobbley timey wimey nonsense.

**Ava:** ...Fucking _what?_

**Luxu:** Yeah, you thought I was gonna try and stop the Keyblade War, didn't you? You thought I could find the Master and put an end to this bullshit. *turns away* Sorry. Not gonna happen.

**Ava:** ...What the fuck.

**Luxu:** I know Gula knows about the lost page, but I don't think it says much about the Master's own role in all of this.

**Ava:** ...Was the Master's role sewing discord amongst us in order to cause all this bullshit? Fuck, did he _want_ the planet to implode!?

**Luxu:** *turns back to her* My role is to live on, observe, and keep my mouth shut about most of what I know. The Master gives not one fuck about this planet anymore. His role was to ensure that mine was carried out.

**Ava:** ...You and the Master have been working against us the entire time. You set this up, you manipulated us with all these special roles to keep us occupied, all this shit with the lost page...I'd expected the obvious Aced or even Invi since we barely see her...I never thought for a second that _you_ were the traitor!

**Luxu:** *summons No Name ominously*

~Hey wouldn't it have been great if Unchained χ or even just χ had been treated as an entirely separate game from Union Cross so we could've avoided all of this pointless confusion?~


	11. Sequel Bait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Only one more complete game after this and then it's on to taking notes and editing forever because the mobile games are never gonna fucking finish:** _Silent Hill 3, Harry Potter, Zero Wing, Family Guy,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Pokémon, Metal Gear Solid, Doctor Who,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~A few months later again...~

**Hundreds of silhouettes of Keyblade wielders:** *meet up on a deserted landscape under a stormy sky and split into four groups, forming the locations where their Keyblades will be placed in due time; it's still not a hundred percent clear if this is the same planet as Daybreak Town or if they decided to meet up somewhere else for the final confrontation*

**Ava:** *leads a fifth group to the center of the area while the other four pick a corner of the screen to lurk*

**Noriko:** ...I guess I'm here as well. Also the Foretellers are arguing again maybe but no one can hear shit. Something tells me everyone would've been more riled up than they already were anyway.

**Surrounding wielders:** *all raise their Keyblades, let out a silent battle cry, and charge forward*

**Noriko:** I'd never been on a battlefield before and almost couldn't breathe just from the amount of people surrounding me and the excitement and fear the entire landscape appeared to be bathed in. The memory of this cruelty is...forever _burned_ into my mind. There was no time to think about how all these children were all excited and impatient to murder each other over fucking House Points. The game wants me to think about how I'd much prefer fighting Heartless instead of my own comrades, but if I'm being honest idiots who think competition is more important than human life deserved to at least be banned from playing or something, _Christ_ this is getting out of control.

**Random Wielder number 1:** Action shot!

**Random Wielder number 2:** Better action shot!

**Random Wielder number 3:** My group's animal motif is better than your group's animal motif!

**Random Wielder number 4:** All your lux are belong to us!

**Noriko:** Aww, this game thinks I considered these people my friends when it made things pretty clear that I was only ever close with Chirithy, Skuld, and Ephemer.

**Hearts:** *start to rise into the sky as more and more children die*

**Noriko:** I have been proven wrong about things before and have had my mind changed by opening myself up to less privileged points of view, so honestly I do not understand the mentality of insisting that you can never have been wrong or made a mistake and holding onto the notion that being wrong feels bad to the point that you would kill other people or even die yourself before you admit that you weren't in the right. Why is this topical. Why is this _always_ topical.

**Rain:** *starts to pour down as a storm begins*

**Noriko:** *sighs* I could be kayaking right now and instead I have to do this shit. Also how is my Keyblade not a lightning rod.

**Aced:** You got me.

~And now back to that earlier conversation that I really think this section should've started with since I kinda don't like it when media skips around to different moments in time anymore.~

**Ava:** ...You and the Master have been working against us the entire time. You set this up, you manipulated us with all these special roles to keep us occupied, all this shit with the lost page...I'd expected the obvious Aced or even Invi since we barely see her...I never thought for a second that _you_ were the traitor!

**Luxu:** *summons No Name ominously*

~...BUT ENOUGH OF THAT I GUESS!~

**Gula:** Oh, right, we were still talking. Ahem. “The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches—” No, no, that's not it, sorry, force of habit, it's too fucking ingrained... “The one unable to get over how much this sucks, who got real pissy at the thought of everyone dying and lost sight of what mattered...The one who will misinterpret everything and start getting real secretive in a way they're not meant to...”

**Skuld:** Hey can we go back to the part where you explain what the hell you're talking about?

**Gula:** I really gotta go through this whole thing with you people, don't I. Okay, there's this thing called the Book of Prophecies, and everyone's copy except mine is missing a page. I just recited a part of it for you. I just described the traitor the rest of us have been trying to find this entire time.

**Luxu:** And _I'm_ doing that thing where I clearly tell the person in front of me the name of the person we're talking about, except that we're not going to tell the audience so we can drag this charade out even more than before!

**Ava:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects— _WHAAAAAAAAAA?_

**Luxu:** Shocking, isn't it?

**Ava:** I'd have to say so, yes.

**Luxu:** Really? I mean, THAT PERSON hated the idea of the world ending, didn't think much about what would come after, totally misinterpreted the way things are supposed to go down, and, well, there's that reunion at the end of KHIII to consider, isn't there? And since you already know that you can't change THAT PERSON'S mind, you know the only way things can end, sadly, is through violence. Also frankly the Master is way more interested in what comes next than all this bullshit, anyway.

**Ava:** Luxu, you're interpreting the Master's words in your own way.

**Luxu:** Oh you mean like all six of us have been doing the entire time?

**Ava:** I am still refusing to believe the Master would let a bunch of children die for this stupid, stupid-ass reason.*summons Keyblade* Therefore I'm convinced you're manipulating me further and that you just made all this up to fuck with me.

**Skuld:** *back inside that one house* Okay, great, the fuck does any of that even mean.

**Gula:** It means that the world's only gonna end because of this one person fucking up, and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by trying to stop the bad thing from happening like the rest of us have been saying this entire fucking time.

**Chirithy:** I bounce!

**Skuld:** That's nice for you.

**Gula:** So frankly we all thought it was Aced, so when you two saw Invi fighting him that was our piss-poor attempt at stopping him. And also Aced's probably just a giant red herring anyway.

**Skuld:** Yeah, he never did anything secretly. _You_ were in hiding for a while, though, plus there's the fact that since the Lost Page isn't in front of us you could be making all this up right now.

**Gula:** That's a fair assessment, and if not for the fact that the Master gave me the Lost Page, probably to deliberately sew distrust so the real traitor could carry out their betrayal unnoticed, I wouldn't blame you for thinking it was me. *drags himself over to a chair and slumps into it* If I may continue... “With a single strike, toll the bells and herald the end...bringing war upon us, as fate did intend.”

**Noriko and Skuld:** Well it sure would suck if that were to happen right as we're learning about it, wouldn't it—

**Ava:** HAVE AT YOU! *swings down on Luxu, who blocks*

**Wind:** *blows harshly through the plants and flowers in the town*

**Clock:** *clicks a minute forward, pendulum starts swinging, and bells start ringing*

**Chirithy:** No for real, is it okay that you're telling this to a bunch of losers like ourselves?

**Gula:** Probably not, but I honestly don't care anymore.

**Noriko:** Oh hey, bells.

**Gula:** Exactly. Those bells are implied to have never worked before. I don't even know if the clock itself worked despite all the gears turning within the tower. But hey, final battle time, who's hyped?

**Skuld:** LITERALLY NO ONE!?

**Gula:** I think you mean literally everyone. Now you three piss off, your Union leaders'll want to talk to you and psych you up before the big fight.

~...AND THEN THEY LEFT I GUESS.~

**Skuld:** ...Yeah, Imma go off with the other Dandelions and _not_ fight...Please come with? I know you don't want to fight either.

**Noriko:** I'm hoping that my silence conveys my desire to hopefully stop the other children from killing each other on the battlefield itself.

**Skuld:** I think I got that. Except that I want you to survive and come with us because you're my friend. And Ephemer will be there! He's your friend too, right?

**Noriko:** I _did_ raise my head when you said his name just now.

**Skuld:** Just think about it, okay?

**Noriko:** ...Yeah.

**Skuld:** ...WELL SEE YA! *vanishes her Keyblade and holds out her hand*

**Noriko:** *vanishes their own Keyblade and shakes Skuld's hand*

**Skuld:** *smiles one last time and runs off*

**Chirithy:** ...You good?

**Noriko:** NO I'M NOT FUCKING GOOD! I've been looking forward to hearing about the end of the Keyblade War for literal years and now I'm finding out that it's largely a childish fight over House Points! Do you have any idea what a letdown that is!? Also something about not wanting the world to end or whatever.

**Chirithy:** Yeah that's great, you down for a nap? Let's head to your room, yeah? *goes up a nearby set of stairs*

**Noriko:** ...Chirithy?

**Chirithy:** YOU CAN TALK!?

**Noriko:** What happens to Spirits when their humans die?

**Chirithy:** Also death.

**Noriko:** Ah. Shit.

**Chirithy:** So if you could _not_ die, that'd be great.

**Noriko:** ...Do you want me to join the Dandelions?

**Chirithy:** … *goes back down the stairs* I just don't want _you_ to die. And I'm only partially saying this out of self-preservation because I want you to live for your own sake, too. I don't care if we're not supposed to be friends, because apparently that was a rule the whole time.

**Noriko:** Well that's fucking dumb. Also I'm gonna hug you for that one. *picks Chirithy up*

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** What a bunch of pussies.

**Noriko and Chirithy:** Exclamation points! *run until they find the Nightmare!Chirithy*

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** You're really just gonna run away like the rest of those crybaby snowflakes, aren't you?

**Chirithy:** Oh for — the Dandelions are ensuring humanity's survival, you fucking idiot!

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** Yeah, but what about the ones that _aren't_ going to survive? Do you really just want to...leave them behind to die?

**Noriko:** Okay, who even are you so I can punch the person you're attached to.

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** Heh, you know that bangle you got after a certain quest that allowed for one free attack per quest and that the Foretellers totally signed off on?

**Noriko:** ...Yeah?

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** Yeah, that was the power of darkness. It was even called “guilt.” And you only made that “guilt” stronger by leveling up your medals so you could make number go up. You know how there's gonna be a point in Union Cross with the Dalmatian medals that you're gonna go insane over because you'll want to make number _big_ go up? That's just gonna increase the strength of the darkness you've been using. The Foretellers thought it'd be okay because it started off as just a little darkness that could be used to traverse Dark Corridors and kill more Heartless; I bet they never expected things to progress this fucking far! Or maybe they did, who knows?

**Chirithy:** ...Fuck.

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** Also the Master wanted everyone nice and pissy so they'd be more likely to kill each other when the time came, but I'm sure you already figured out that part.

**Chirithy:** But I thought the bangle emitted a light attack...it even glows when you activate it...

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** And yet! *does a flip* Have you figured out where I'm from yet? *poofs out of existence and reemerges on the closest roof top* You better punch yourself in the face, sweetheart, 'cause I came from _you._

**Noriko:** I don't really like being called pet names when I don't know a person well—

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** But we _do_ know each other well, little girl little girl!

**Noriko:** Nor do I like being called girl. Bitch or the C-bomb's fine, weirdly enough—

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** Well then, _bitch,_ I _adore_ being the bearer of bad news, and you've been dressing insanely femininely this entire game.

**Noriko:** Just because I dress a certain way doesn't mean that my identity is invalidated. No one has to conform to your narrow views of how you think someone should present themselves, which is why I feel most comfortable identifying as a non-binary person.

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** ...But you've been answering to female pronouns for a good chunk of this game.

**Noriko:** I mean, I'll _answer_ to she/her, out of sheer fucking _habit,_ but if you _**actually want me to smile more**_ you'll go gender neutral. They/them specifically, not too fond of it/its, personally, if that's your thing then you do you. Which is kind of the whole point...

**Chirithy:** Can I just say, I'm so proud of you for finally being true and honest with yourself?

**Noriko:** Aww, thanks!

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** And I just think you're hopping on the bandwagon for attention. See, I'm the evil Chirithy, which means I represent all the bad things you think about yourself.

**Noriko:** Motherfucker, I have been having arguments with my mother on this subject for over a decade and a half now. She basically _accused_ me of being transmasculine at several points, which would _not_ have been the ideal reaction regardless of whether or not I was. Do you have any _idea_ how much easier my life would have been had I known about all of the third options back then!?

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** I tire of this. *summons a Lane Between which is honestly surprising since I was expecting a Dark Corridor*

**Three Darklings:** *emerge*

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** If you're not gonna fight your former comrades, why not fight, well, your former comrades? Also I love how the line is “I'll show you a dream you'll never forget” when we all know that you will be made to forget all of this anyway.

**Noriko and Chirithy:** Well balls.

**Noriko:** *reflexively summons their Keyblade and gets into a battle stance*

**Chirithy:** Why are you like this!?

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** You Spirits are all about friendship being the greatest magic of all, while we Nightmares know how much more relaxing it is to just have everyone leave you the fuck alone so you can be free to do whatever you want without judgment or feeling like you have to wear a disguise all the time so no one'll get mad at you for just existing the way you'd prefer to.

**Noriko:** ...Fuck, they _are_ my Chirithy.

**Chirithy:** Shut up, I think I just realized the two of us are Dream Eaters.

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** ...You're not that smart, are you. You, too, really are _her_ Chirithy.

**Noriko:** Okay I'm just gonna fight these guys now, excuse me... *depletes their collective health and makes all three of them collapse onto the ground*

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** *poofs in amongst them* Looks like you don't completely suck after all. Good for you. *makes all the Darklings hover* Now check out _this_ shit. *rises into the air and absorbs all the Darklings into themselves, growing into a giant winged cat-like Nightmare*

**Noriko:** OKAY THAT IS AN AWESOME DESIGN.

**Chirithy:** It sure is. You should kill it.

**Noriko:** Oh Imma kill it. *kills it; were this actually included in the original mobile game where it was supposed to be placed in the timeline, I'd estimate it at around a 300-400 jewel boss fight on at least the first go*

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** *devolves into their far more adorable state and falls to the ground* Good news...I'm not your Chirithy anymore...I'm not part of you at all anymore...

**Chirithy:** ...You gonna die, then?

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** Probably. At least until your nightmares start up again...

**Chirithy:** You're telling me there's still more story after this chapter's obvious finale!?

**Nightmare!Chirithy:** DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THIS SHIT RAKES IN. *rises up and vanishes*

~Okay we're sticking to the final fight from now on.~

**Hearts:** *are still rising into the clouds as the storm continues*

**Noriko:** Huh, must've been flashing back that entire time. Boy do I wish self-doubt and other negative emotions could be that easily dealt with in real life...Oh right, I was gonna fight Aced.

**Aced:** You sure were.

**Some other wielder in the background:** Don't mind me, just looking for some more of my colleagues to murder!

**Aced:** *points his Keyblade at Noriko* The fuck you doing here, I thought I told you to pack up and go home 'cause you were through.

**Noriko:** *readies Keyblade* Sure are a lot of stragglers we're ignoring, aren't there.

**Aced:** Oh, you wanna fucking go? Then come at me, bro!

**Noriko:** How fitting that the music from the final events of BBS is being used here...Also am I even beating you?

**Aced:** You're doing so well that I want you to switch over to my Union 'cause you're a badass!

**Noriko:** Uh... *slowly backs away*

**Aced:** But, since I know you won't, I think I'll just kill you instead. Wouldn't want that friendship crap infecting the rest of my Union, after all! *knocks Noriko to the ground and then beats them repeatedly while they're down, confirming him for worst Master, before being blocked by Ira* DAMN IT, WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE YOU.

**Ira:** It doesn't _have_ to be, I can't help it if your only character trait apart from stupidity is that you're jealous of my job! *leaps away with Aced*

**Noriko:** *gets to their feet* ...Time for a short break, methinks... *slumps a bit as other children pass them by* ...Fuck...think I just realized that everyone's so bloodthirsty because they probably didn't or weren't able to get rid of their own Nightmare!Chirithies...If I can I should try to prevent at least _some_ of these deaths...

**Invi:** *is standing in the middle of the battlefield*

**Noriko:** ...Or.

**Invi:** *turns to them* Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it?

**Noriko:** Can I just cut in and say that I _really_ like your Keyblade?

**Invi:** Aww, thanks! Just for that, I'll give you a quick death!

**Noriko:** Wait what — oh. Guess we're fighting now. Shit. *manages to survive I guess*

**Invi:** ...I'd like to compliment Ava for training you so well, except that all five of us are pretty hands-off when it comes to teaching you folks literally anything... *vanishes her Keyblade* Hey. Try not to die. *slowly walks off*

**Noriko:** _Fuck_ my endurance is garbage. *slumps again and sees Gula walking toward them* OH FUCKING GREAT.

**Gula:** *has his Keyblade casually hanging over his shoulder* Oh hey. How're you doing after that chat we literally just had? Still reeling, I bet.

**Noriko:** Yeah, the situation is...not great.

**Gula:** Totally. *readies Keyblade*

**Noriko:** ...For real?

**Gula:** I mean, yeah. Final battle and all that.

**Noriko:** Dick! *manages to outlast him as well*

**Gula:** Damn your awesome! Aaaand I'm done. Got something of a reunion I'm gonna go prepare for. See you, maybe! *leaps away*

**Noriko:** I have to fight all the Union leaders, don't I... *watches someone's heart float up in front of them and falls on their ass in despair* This is akin to seeing a dead body and it sucks. *gets up and sees Ira slowly approaching them*

**Ira:** Yeah I don't know if any of us are targeting any other children apart from you, but I would also like to give you a quick death.

**Noriko:** With my level of exhaustion, I feel like I would welcome it at this point. *somehow survives this fight as well* I don't even think I'm doing any real damage to you shitbirds...

**Ira:** Yeah you're pretty much just running out the clock. Also way to not suck. But unfortunately, you don't not suck enough. *raises Keyblade but has to block a sudden swipe from Aced*

**Aced:** Yo we gonna do this or what!?

**Ira:** I thought we'd sorted things out by the end of the fucking movie, what the shit!

**Aced:** Turns out no! The Master said that I could take over if I thought you were doing a bad job, and I have decided that you are doing a bad job!

**Ira:** Like you could possibly do any better!

**Both of them:** *leap away*

**Noriko:** *falls face-first onto the ground* Just a quick little nap...

**Keyblades:** *start to fall and embed themselves into the ground, forming the Keyblade Graveyard proper at long last*

**Noriko:** ...These are all the weapons of dead children who died for the dumbest fucking reason. Fantastic. *gets up one last time and sees Ava slowly approaching them* ...Oh fuck.

**Ava:** Yep.

**Noriko:** But why're you even here, though? I thought you'd be getting the Dandelions safely away to what'll eventually be Radiant Garden or at least some kind of alternate data dimension or whatever the fuck's going on in Union—

**Ava:** Yeah no we're fighting now.

**Noriko:** ...Are you even Ava and this is a final test to see if I'm worthy of your super special group, or did Luxu already start body-hopping.

**Ava:** It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Noriko:** Well it's not like your character's been all that consistent anyway when it comes to Back Cover versus this game, so this could very well be normal for you for all I know.

**Ava:** Can I kill you or what?

**Noriko:** ...Sure, fine, whatever. *manages to survive this onslaught as well, somehow* Well the fight's over but neither of us are dead yet so can I ask why you decided to fight as well?

**Ava:** Some things aren't for you to know.

**Noriko:** ...Is that another way of saying that I have to keep playing KH games and maybe I'll find out sometime before 2040 if the human population doesn't cease to be by then?

**Ava:** Probably. Now go join the Dandelions last minute, 'kay? Okay byeeeeee~! *leaves*

**Noriko:** ...I'm done. I'm fucking done. *collapses onto the ground in a heap*

**Storm:** *rages overhead as hearts continue to ascend*

**Noriko:** *is still laying on the ground amongst all of the discarded Keyblades, of which there are a hell of a lot more now and the final scenes of BBS and KHIII just got simultaneously so much sadder and so much dumber*

**Chirithy:** *appears next to them as they turn over onto their back*

**Noriko:** *turns over* Yo. *reaches out a hand and touches Chirithy's cheek*

**Chirithy:** Noriko. Look at me. It's going to be okay. *collapses onto Noriko's chest* You can rest now.

**Sky:** *clears*

**Shaft of light:** *shines down on the two of them*

**Chirithy:** *gets up as the entire Keyblade Graveyard is engulfed in light*

**Noriko:** ...Is that Kingdom Hearts: Ultra Moon? I can't see...Wait...That's not...

**Skuld:** OH THANK FUCK YOU'RE NOT DEAD. *goes over and kneels down*

**Noriko:** *smiles* Skuld...No wonder I actually have lines...

**Skuld:** Oh fuck off.

**Noriko:** ...Son of a bitch...

**Ephemer:** *bends down in Skuld's place as she stands up and as Dandelion seeds float around them* Kept you waiting, huh?

**Noriko:** Douche. *tears up* You ditched me at the fountain, you know.

**Ephemer:** Blame Ava, I was busy doing her dirty work.

**Noriko:** And you couldn't've left a message of any kind!?

**Ephemer:** Apparently not. *reaches out his hand as the game is suddenly voiced in the Japanese browser version which let's be real is still the only version of this game* Issho ni ikou.

**Chirithy:** ...I'm actually crying.

**Noriko:** Same. *sniffs* Of course I'll go with you. *reaches out their hand as it fades to white*

~THIS IS HONESTLY SO SATISFYING AS AN ENDING AND I EARNESTLY WISH THE GAME HAD STOPPED HERE.~

**Credits:** *are pages turning in presumably the Book of Prophecies while screenshots of the game happen, only with Skuld and Ephemer taking the place of the player character for some reason and making me realize that I would've much preferred choosing one or the other to play as like in Pokémon instead of this overly indulgent self-insert bullshit*

**One more page:** *is turned, revealing the stained glass image of the five animals*

**Game:** Hey. Hey you. Put this game down, go out into the world, and do what you can to make the kind of world you want to see.

~THAT IS SUCH A FUCKING POSITIVE MESSAGE HOLY FUCK I ACTUALLY LIKE UX NOW wait why are things still going what is this.~

**Noriko:** *cycles through a bunch of flashbacks of them together with Ephemer and/or Skuld, slowly opening their eyes with their hand outstretched above them* ...If this all turns out to have been a dream I'm gonna fucking lose it.

**Light:** *fades*

**Noriko:** *finds themself in the Enchanted Dominion with Chirithy asleep on their chest* _**FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.**_ *gently pushes Chirithy off of them and stands up* Fucking great. Just fucking _perfect._

**Chirithy:** Hey, did you have that nightmare again?

**Noriko:** EAT MY ENTIRE ASS.

**Chirithy:** That _is_ usually your reaction. Man, you've been having that nightmare a _lot_ lately. Wanna talk about it?

**Noriko:** ...I might've asked this before, but when did this start?

**Chirithy:** Remember when we met Skuld and she went to join the Dandelions and you didn't? Around then.

**Noriko:** ...Then why'd I fall asleep here, and don't say because it's the Sleeping Beauty planet.

**Chirithy:** Nah, you just fell asleep while waiting for a raid, it happens, that shit's at weird times. Sleep's important, though, and I'm glad to see you've been getting more of it. *ambles away* Yo, check this shit out!

**Noriko:** *sigh* Coming! *joins them and sees a fuckton of thorny black vines* Great...

**Chirithy:** Yeah, most Keyblades are blunt and I don't know if you have enough medals with a fire ability to make it all the way through. What do you say we go home for the day and think of something later?

**Noriko:** I'm always down for some procrastination.

**Crow:** *flies overhead*

**Chirithy:** I WANNA FLY.

**Noriko:** I don't know why but I think you getting wings would be a very bad idea.

**Chirithy:** Oh what do _you_ know. C'mon, let's head back already.

**Noriko:** M'kay. *leaves with their friend*

**Maleficent:** *on the other side of the vines because of course she is* So how'd it go?

**Crow:** *caws*

**Maleficent:** Excellent. We'll be left alone for a while, then. This is a planet where Sora and the others have never been able to go to, after all. And it's all thanks to wibbley wobbley, timey wimey bullshit! Maniacal laugh! Maniacal laugh! Maniacal laugh! *walks up to the castle with the bird on her shoulder*

**Reconnect Kingdom Hearts message:** *appears*

~...Fuck's sake, Nomura.~


End file.
